Kathy's New Adventure

Deal with It!

2012-01-23T12:23:00.000-08:00

It has been two and 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with breast and then kidney cancers. At the time, I listened to options, changed my plans about teaching in India, and went ahead with two surgeries (lumpectomy, kidney removal). I pushed ahead "like a good camper".

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I got emotional over chemo, its effects, radiation, another surgery, etc, etc, etc. I have this awful sense of survival, meaning push ahead, stay strong, deal with it, all will be fine. It is easy to skip the processing and grieving of what was lost. Last Monday, I even heard myself say, "But I still don't know why not India." Grief is like peeling an onion, a layer at a time. But, I'd like to suggest that you start allowing feelings to come in (or out) at the beginning. If you are like me, you always have another set of ears at each appointment. So, then, take time for the word "cancer" (or "divorce" or "foreclosure") to soak in...hear it...say it...feel it. Your friend will hear and write down the details so that you can be objective about treatments.

Someone once told me that if they started to cry, they may never stop. We will. You will. I will. That is where faith, hope, and trust come into the process. The Lord doesn't say life will be rosy if you are a Christian. He does not say that you do not need to grieve. He did not say crying means that we have no faith. Jesus cried and felt anger:

When Mary arrived and saw Jesus,

she fell at his feet and said,

“Lord, if only you had been here,

my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping and
saw the other people wailing with her,

a deep anger welled up within him,

and he was deeply troubled.

“Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.”

Then Jesus wept.

The people who were standing nearby said,

“See how much he loved him!”

But some said, “This man healed a blind man.

Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb,

a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance.

“Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them. But...

John 11:32 - 39 NLT

If Jesus, our Lord, felt emotions (love, joy sadness, anger) then we can too. Do not just "deal with it". Feel it, again and again and again. That is how we heal.

Watch Out, Wind Ahead

2012-01-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

While sitting and reflecting about my relationship with God this week, a little green hummingbird flew by testing the few flowers that were in the yard. Winds were gusting, grey clouds were in the sky, and the rain was coming. Yet, this tiny bird was still doing its job: gathering nourishment.

In western Washington, snow, ice, freezing rain, and wind have taken their toll this week. In San Jose and the Bay area, rain and wind are going to be pelting us for a few days. This storm system has left people without electricity and flooded several areas. But, many people up north went to work if they were able to get out of their neighborhoods. For those stuck in their houses, they still did their job of nourishing their children and themselves. Some helped shovel cars out of the snow and others helped sandbag around homes and businesses. Those who were able brought warm meals to elderly people.

When other types of storms come into our lives, we can remain safe...strong...secure. Yesterday and today, my body has been weak, but, for one hour last night, I was able to go walk in the mall. It was a little walk but it was still exercise for me. Yesterday was a good day! Why? Because I received a gift from God that evening. I love His touch. I love seeing His presence. I love hearing Him in nature. The energy, the hummingbird, the rain on the window are all signs of His love.

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise,

like a person who builds a house on solid rock.

Though the rain comes in torrents

and the floodwaters rise

and the winds beat against that house,

it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.

Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

Your home won't collapse, if it is built on bedrock, a strong foundation.

Tunnels on the Path

2012-01-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

Do you know what "spelunking" is? The past few days I have been making a book of my pictures of paths, stairs, and tunnels. While looking up sites about tunnels, the word "spelunking" came up so I googled it. It is a term used for cave explorations. That seemed interesting and yet frightening: going down into the unknown darkness.

Sometimes our daily life feels like we are going into unknown places without a guide, without light. This week there have been several prayer requests for people at the end of their lives or those facing horrendous challenges. One thread that seemed to connect them was the need for strength, comfort, wisdom, peace, timing, and salvation. They are in a tunnel, cold, dark, unknown and needing light. And, this immovable tunnel is right on their path.

A young mother can be at home with a screaming baby or child and feel like she is being pushed beyond her endurance. As she gets closer to the edge of the tunnel, she stops and calls for help.

A baby is born prematurely and must stay in the hospital's incubator when his mother goes home. The whole family stops and calls for people to pray.

An elderly man has been told that there is nothing left to be done for him. Respite care is called in to help. Some of the family is out of state and wanting to see their father one more time. The church is called and the prayer chain is called into action.

In the cold, dark, unknown tunnels in life there is an end. When we enter the tunnel, we may not be able to see what is ahead, but we do know our Guide. We may not like what is inside the dark situation, but we do know our Counselor. We may not be able to change the situation, but we do know our loving Shepherd. There will be cracks in the tunnel where light breaks thru, even if just for a minute: trust. It is called "TRUST".

The LORD is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to His name.

Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for You are close beside me.

Your rod and Your staff

protect and comfort me.

Psalm 23:1 - 4 NLT

My Shelter

2012-01-11T02:03:00.000-08:00

But as for me, how good it is to be near God!

I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,

and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.
Psalm 73:28 NLT

The last two days have been difficult for me. I have had no energy today and one or two hours yesterday. My poor body has no reserve so when it is fighting a stye or cold or anything, that is all it can do. I spend most of the time sleeping except for times on the computer or my cell phone.

As I'm going to sleep, I do pray which is a blessing to me. Two urgent prayer needs today were a premature baby whose heart rate dropped. Then a man in his 70s has blood cancer and began chemo. The list is long for other needs. Military needs as several of my friends have children in the service right now. Those young men and women who have served in war zones need prayer too as they are physically or emotionally wounded. One lady from our church and another friend have regular transfusions which means they are fatigued before going to get the transfusion. My step-mother's 97 year old sister passed away. A friend's husband has ALS and it is beginning to slow down his daily routines. Then there are my children and their personal needs, as well as other family members (and caretakers). On and on and on. I am so thankful and blessed for this time to spend in prayer.

Tonight, as I go to sleep, I will be praying for many people. The Lord will wrap His loving arms around me, be present as I pray and fall asleep. Thoughts of Heaven will surround me as I drift off to sleep. He is so real, so loving, so compassionate, sovereign, and wise.

Stronger

2012-01-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.

Do you judge how you are doing by looking at the year, month, week, day, hour, or minute? At this point in life, I must break it down to smaller units. Today the morning was rough and I could accomplish very little. I did stay up for four hours at the computer, about one and a 1/2 hours on my bed, sorted some clothes, took a shower, made an easy meal, and am now on the computer again. Was today a good day?
Breaking down my day to smaller units, I would definitely say this evening has been a very good time - not the whole day - this evening. When I start to get discouraged at what I can't do, I will break down the day into hours and minutes. I will focus on His promises and my relationship with the Lord.

“Be strong and courageous,

for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land

I swore to their ancestors I would give them.

Be strong and very courageous.

Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you.

Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left.

Then you will be successful in everything you do.

Study this Book of Instruction continually.

Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it.

Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.

This is my command—be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid or discouraged.

For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:5b - 9 NLT

The only thing that I need to do is take each day minute by minute and hour by hour. God is with me and wants me to be strong, be courageous, and listen to what He has said and is saying. How are you evaluating your life and what are you doing with your time?

Can You Believe?

2012-01-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

Can you believe that it is 2012? It doesn't seem like it was 12 years ago that the KY2 scare had everyone talking. Wow! That went fast.

Can you believe that it is time to make new resolutions? I do not usually make new year's resolutions because I like to reflect and adjust regularly. I don't wait for the new year. With cancer, it is easy to reevaluate life, goals, and priorities frequently.

This week has been an odd week for me because I'm winding down from our LA trip. While going to sleep I think of a list of things to do tomorrow...yea, right! Later, waking up is hard. And then, reality kicks in: little energy. Thankfully my mind is strong. So, I review my "bucket list" which we all need whether we have a disease or not. My conclusion is that family, friends, and my relationship with the Lord are my priorities. How I accomplish those priorities is what can take a different turn. Travels and experiences and accomplishments can happen but the focus is the Lord, my kids & extended family, and friends.

To help me live in reality, I have been reading American Cancer Society's articles on RCC and will read the Cancer Center information too. I have read about the medication that I am taking and keep checking to see if there is anything new too. But, when all information is studied, it comes back to "I am an individual" and God knows the plan. The next question is "Can you believe that God has everything in control?" Does He?

We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

In Him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in His Holy name.

Psalm 33:20 - 21 NLT

A New Day, A New Month, A New Year, A New Song

2011-12-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

Amen! The LORD has done that for me. In the year 2011, I was recovering from a lobectomy, seriously reacted to the chemo drug for RCC (kidney cancer), was hospitalized for six days, had a serious infection that put me back into the hospital for four more days, and has moved me to San Jose. I had to retire from teaching, rent out my townhome, move two states away from family and friends, and make adjustments to my physical way of life.

Despair? Depressed? Discouraged? Maybe at times but this Almighty God lifted me, set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked each day. This is for real in my life. I do look at life differently but maybe the way we should always live life. I have prioritized what is important to me: family, friends, relationship with the Lord, praying, reading/studying His Word, writing, reading, pausing to look all around me, bringing joy to others, and encouraging anyone who is brought into my life.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

This past week I have been blessed with visiting my nephew and his family in the LA area. Every other day I was able to do things with them. Then I would "crash" for a day and be able to get up and go again. I even went to Disneyland! I have been blessed with contentment for little steps or activities, and a brother and sister-in-law who will assist me. Our Lord shows me the positive steps and makes me cherish life around me. HE cares about me, loves me, and walks each step with me.

Many will see what He has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,

who have no confidence in the proud

or in those who worship idols.

Psalm 40:2 - 4 NLT

We all have struggles. Some are financial, constant pain, loss of a family member or friend, or rejection. You may have a teenager who is out of control or a friend who is making poor choices. Someone you know may be in a coma or battling a disease. Our gracious loving Lord knows and can be trusted. As we say goodbye to Saturday, to December, to 2011, to our troubles, trust the all-knowing, ever-present God. There is joy in trusting Him.

Advent is About the Nativity

2011-12-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

And there was the Baby, lying in the manger.

After seeing Him,

the shepherds told everyone what had happened

and what the angel had said to them about this Child.

Luke 2:16 - 17 NLT

The shepherds went, saw, and told others. We can go toward Him this Christmas and see Who He is and what He is. Just like the shepherds, we will not be disappointed.

As I am writing this it is Christmas Eve. I am at home unable to go to church. For the first time in a long time, it really bothered me and I teared up. My brother's family's Christmas Eve tradition is to go to their favorite Chinese restaurant and then to church. I was really looking forward to going to both. Last night was the play, "Christmas Carol" at the repertoire theater. I also could not go. My meds make me fatigued and I've had three migraines (vision, numbing, nausea) in the past week. No energy. Head hurts. Breathing is difficult.

That is not where I am supposed to be or stay, emotionally. This weekend is not about me. This is about our Lord and all that He gave up for me - you - us. So, instead of throwing a pity party, I need to look around at the reminders of why I wanted to go to church, why I want to celebrate, why I want to bring joy to others. It is totally because of our Lord Jesus Christ and His sacrifices.

If you are like me and did not get to do what you wanted or expected, focus on the manger, on others, on God. Now I am glad that the others got to enjoy the play, dinner, and church.

The shepherds went back to their flocks,

glorifying and praising God

for all they had heard and seen.

It was just as the angel had told them.

Luke 2:20 NLT

(I did get a plate of food from the restaurant. Yum!)

Advent is All About Others

2011-12-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

During the past 2 1/2 years of my cancer battle, it has been a joy to see people "give" to me in a variety of ways. I have had to learn the art of receiving which was difficult for me. But, once each person's individual gifts became visible, I relaxed. Like my brother said, "This is the journey the Lord has for us too." My reaction was, "Daaahhh! I should know that" and not feel guilty that others are helping. The Lord is working in their lives too. So, when my sister and later a friend moved in, their sacrifices were huge. Now when I look back, it was a season of growth for them as well as a blessing for me.

During Advent, how do we give to others or put others first? As our Example, the Lord thought of us when He came in human form. When He healed the leaper, it was His compassion for the man. When He made the lame man walk, it was because of His love for this person as well as to glorify His Father. When He healed the Roman officer's young servant, it was because the Lord saw His strong faith. (Matthew 8)

For even the Son of Man

came not to be served

but to serve others

and to give His life

as a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45 NLT

This is a time for us to focus on why Jesus was on earth, what He would like us to do for others, and how He is coming again. Advent may be coming to a close but ADVENT, preparing for His return and our meeting with Him, is a daily choice. Holidays are difficult for those who are alone, some who are single, those who are jobless, the homeless who are hungry and out in the cold, those who are grieving loss, and those who are sick. Let's think of them and act. One serves because of compassion. One gives because of love for others. One sacrifices because of our Example. Remember:

For a Child is born to us,

a Son is given to us.

The government will rest on His shoulders.

And He will be called:

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6 NLT

And, He is our wonderful counselor, a mighty God, everlasting Father, and our Prince of Peace. That is why we serve:

“Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth

to those with whom God is pleased.”Luke 2:14 NLT

Advent is about Jesus, those He loves, and our giving to those around us. HE gave, so we give.

Advent Preparations are Intentional

2011-12-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

As I was taking my nap, I could hear whining in my room. Maggie, my niece's dog, was in my room trying to get me out of bed. To get there, this loving pet had purposely pushed the door open, walked down the hall, and into my room. She had done it willfully, with the intention of having me meet her needs. Maggie deliberately set out to get attention.

Because I have limited energy, I must be intentional about where to use it. My doctor is intentional about keeping my blood counts stable. My oncologist is intentional about balancing quality of life with quantity of life. Those in the retail businesses are intentional about catching our attention and making us need what they are selling.

What is intentional in our celebration of Advent? What is intentional in our Advent preparations? What is intentional on our December calendars? Yesterday, we discussed our traditions when celebrating our Savior's human birth. People purposely choose which family traditions are giving them the focus they desire. For me, the manger scene, music, and Luke 2 put my focus on the true meaning of this December holiday. Some willfully give service or gifts to strangers so that they can make another person smile. For me, single moms, homeless, or families dealing with mental illnesses are people I want to help smile. Others deliberately decorate their yards to share their joy with neighbors and visitors. For me, including lights, a manger scene, and an angel have been my past choices to focus on the true source of joy.

The Almighty God intentionally got our attention using all of our senses: vision - bright star and radiant angels, hearing - angels speaking, touching - Mary putting Jesus in snug pieces of cloth, smelling - barn, cows, and sheep have their own odor, tasting - the shepherds were staying in the fields and would milk the sheep and make cheese, and emotions - excitement of what is coming and concern about no room for the baby's birth.

That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby,

guarding their flocks of sheep.

Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them,

and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them.

They were terrified, but the angel reassured them.

“Don’t be afraid!” he said.

“I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people.

The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today

in Bethlehem, the city of David!

And you will recognize him by this sign:

You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth,

lying in a manger.”

Suddenly, the angel was joined by

a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph.

And there was the baby, lying in the manger.

After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened

and what the angel had said to them about this child.

Luke 2:8 - 14, 16 - 17 NLT

God was intentional about every detail of His Son's arrival. The angel was intentional about calming the fears of the shepherds before making the announcement. The shepherds were intentional about sharing the good news. We make intentional choices in our lives everyday. What do you do differently this season that is an intentional celebration of His birth?

Advent is About Traditions

2011-12-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

"Traditions ~ pa dum dum...
Traditions ~ Traditions"
(Fiddler on the Roof)

Advent is full of family and cultural traditions. The cultural ones tend to be about shopping and sales. But, there are many other traditions in our culture: putting up lights, baking, Christmas trees, Santa, snowmen, angels, reindeer, and even penguins can get in there too. The family ones can be secular but also spiritual.

Last night, four of us drove to Vasona Park's Festival of Lights in Los Gatos, CA. It was beautiful! Two years ago, ten of us rented a limo van and rode through Spanaway's Festival of Lights, WA. It was also very beautiful. The displays were bright, had moving parts, funny, colorful, and secular...but still a fun time. I love looking at Christmas lights.

It took me back to childhood as one of our traditions was driving to look at the Christmas lights. "Back then" many neighborhoods had themes with everyone decorating. I remember one, Candy Cane Lane but there were many others in the Seattle/Renton areas. We would go to Lake Wilderness, Fairwood, Maple Valley, and end in West Seattle at Gai's fancy, fancy house. (He was one of the "Gai's Breads'" brothers.) The evening was a peaceful, family time. A tradition.

As a child, our tree had an angel on the top and icicles hanging on most branches. We used the large lighted bulbs and mostly round ornaments. Grandma sent us double fudge and fruit chews which Dad carried on after Grandma died. Mom always made divinity and Spritz cookies. Our family would go to the Christmas Eve service in Rainier Beach area and see friends and relatives. I remember it feeling like a holy time of focusing on Jesus. Then we would come home and open our gifts. (Santa's gifts were for Christmas morning.)

As an adult and mother, we continued many of the traditions except that we opened our gifts on Christmas morning. Christmas Eve Candlelight service and a potluck with friends became the focus of the evening. Christmas morning was a time for gifts, games, music, and cinnamon rolls. The larger meal was in the afternoon. The decorations changed a little: a manger scene, small lights on the tree, different shaped ornaments, some snowmen, but still an angel on the top. The icicles changed to ribbons. The tree had a theme: children, school, music, or angels. Giving to friends and family expanded to giving to single moms and/or the homeless.

From a child, to an adult, married, children, single, grown children, two years fighting breast cancer, and now living with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece, some things remain the same: celebrating Jesus' entrance on earth. No matter what the traditions, this season is still a time for me - us - to reflect on our Lord. No matter what the economics, we can celebrate His birth. No matter what the location, we can loudly celebrate His sacrifice. No matter what is happening around the world, we can still have peace, love, joy, and hope in our hearts.

Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them,

and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them.

They were terrified,

but the angel reassured them.

“Don’t be afraid!” he said.

“I bring you good news

that will bring great joy to all people.

The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today

in Bethlehem, the city of David!

And you will recognize Him by this sign:

You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth,

lying in a manger.”

Luke 2:9 - 12 NLT

Advent is About the ALMIGHTY

2011-12-19T01:34:00.000-08:00

God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. The One who is the true light, Who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.

He came into the very world He created, but the world didn’t recognize Him. He came to His own people, and even they rejected Him. But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.So the Word became human and made His home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen His glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son. John testified about him when he shouted to the crowds, “This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’”

From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.
John 1:6 - 16 NLT

Wow! The Almighty God, the all-powerful, supreme God put on flesh for us. Every time I think about this, which is daily in Advent, it amazes me that He loves me - us - people so much that He became vulnerable to rejection, pain, misunderstanding, and wasn't even recognized by most people.

Have you ever felt like you should be recognized but weren't? I was gone from school for one year while having chemo, came back to teach the following school year, and had some parents and some students not know me. After eleven years of teaching in that building, I had been forgotten, unrecognized...and I am not God. Imagine being Jesus, giving up Heaven to come and be the Savior to people, and then they don't even recognize you, including your family.

Have you been rejected? Most of us have in one way or another: not making the team, not receiving an award that we thought we had earned, a spouse leaving for someone else, a parent deserting us. There are many ways in which we have been rejected. But, we are not God. Jesus gave up Heaven, His throne, to be the Savior, and many still reject Him. But, watch what He does: He gives us a gift!

The Lord Almighty, the Word, the Creator, the faithful God, our unconditional Lover gives us a gift! Christmas is ALL about the gift from Almighty God. We can become HIS children...if we believe Him to be the Only Son of God AND accept Him as such. We might be battling cancer, loneliness, or financial struggles but we are children of the Almighty God. Wow!

Gifts? Gifts? That is the focus: His gifts to us.

One gracious blessing after another.

Amen!

Advent Is About Our Radiant Lord

2011-12-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

What does radiant mean? I can tell you what it doesn't mean. I am not radiant. Today I couldn't even muster up enough energy to go to the Ralph Carmichael Big Band concert. It would have been invigorating and I could have spent time with some people from church. No energy. Headache. Blurry vision. Did I say "No Energy"?

According to the dictionary, RADIANT can be a noun or an adjective: emitting light or filled with light. Beaming. Bright. Brilliant. Glowing. Dazzling. Do those words make you think of anything or anyone? Does this word make you think of Christmas?

The star that led the wise men was radiant. The angel announcing Jesus' coming birth was radiant. Many people think that pregnancy makes a woman radiant. Pictures portray the Baby Jesus as being radiant. All mean bright, brilliant, glowing, and joyful.

The Baby Jesus fills us with joy. He is radiant because He beams unconditional love. He is radiant because He dazzles us with His wisdom. He is radiant because He brightly shows us the way to Heaven. He is radiant because He emits light on truth. Jesus is the One Who embodies love, joy, peace, and hope.

How does that relate to everyday? Tonight I was very disappointed that I did not get to go and hear Big Band music. Then two blessings from God came my way: a Christmas gift from Tim & Rachel and Maggie brought me the ball to play with her. Their gift is one that I can and will use daily. God knew that Tim & Rachel thinking of me in a personal way would put a smile on my face. God knew that sitting near the tree and the glowing fire with Maggie would be comforting to me.

Thinking about the Radiance of our Lord Jesus puts a smile on my face. Reflecting on His personal touch in daily life is what Christmastime gives me. No energy? But, it does give me time to reflect and see His personal touch in my life. It gives me time for prayer or conversation with the Father. Advent is about our Radiant Lord.

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others

—the armies of heaven—

praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Luke 2: 13 - 14 NLT

Advent Can Include Adoration

2011-12-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today was the children's program at church. What a great representation of Luke 2 and Matthew 2: Mary, Joseph, angels, sheep, shepherds, star, wisemen, donkey. The performers were young children and elementary children. Some wanted their mothers, some posed for cameras, some smiled, and some stuck to the "script". Five year old Mary and five year old Joseph gently wrapped baby Jesus in a blanket. The young angel smiled while she delivered the message to the shepherds. The other angels joined the angel and held their arms in the air so that parents could get pictures. Parents stayed in their seats and quietly took pictures but their children knew. Adoration toward the Baby Jesus was seen.

The sermon followed and made us focus on Jesus, the Son of God, who became human. HE can relate to us emotionally, physically, and experiencially. Jesus was rejected even by His Father (on the cross), felt true pain (on the cross), and knew loss (death of his earthly father, sometime between age of 12 and death, John 19:25 - 27). At one point His brothers misunderstood Him. The people who knew Him while growing up rejected Him. And, He physically got tired like when He was at the well, sitting, resting.

Reflecting on my life, it has been comforting to know that God incarnate understood me. He had felt betrayed, alone, rejected, misunderstood, tempted, limited physically, left His home, and in pain. I don't have to say, "But no one understands all that I have given up...been through, etc." He does!

But why ADORATION? I love Him because He knows me. I love Him because He loves me. I love Him because He has sacrificed Heaven, the Throne, and His life for me. I worship Him because He is God. I worship Him because He gives Peace. I worship Him because He is accessible. I worship Him because He is Love. I worship Him because He is my Savior.

Mary responded,

“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.

How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,

and from now on all generations will call me blessed.

For the Mighty One is holy,

and Hdone great things for me.

He shows mercy from generation to generation

to all who fear Him.

His mighty arm has done tremendous things!

... ... ... ... ...

He has helped His servant Israel

and remembered to be merciful.

Luke 1:46 - 54 NLT

O come, all ye faithful,

Joyful and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;

Come and behold him,

Born the King of angels;

O come, let us adore him,

O Come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.

Advent Can Be Prayerful

2011-12-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

While reflecting on the past few days, it was obvious that my energy came in spurts. Yesterday, after sleeping until five pm, I had energy for a few little things. I was able to do a few things for others. It was a great feeling as usually people are waiting on me. The other observation was that the concert was worth the tole it took on my body. That is how I will decide which events to push toward: no energy used prior to the event, eat healthy, plan on sleeping the following day, and enjoy.

The leading up to the concert was very exciting. All of us were looking forward to a fun evening and we were not disappointed. Straight No Chaser is a group of showmen. Very entertaining and talented singers. But, why the excitement? What were the expectations? People around us were equally as excited and most of them had seen these men in person several times. For us, it was new but we expected beautiful singing mixed with choreography and humor. An evening of laughing. The musicians did not disappoint. The excitement matched the performance.

Will Advent match the excitement? While growing up, I remember this month leading up to Christmas as very stressful. There was a "to-do" list that caused a lot of pressure. My personality is one that I will make the list but whatever doesn't get done is ok. We adjust without that being done. (Ok, except for cleaning when guests were coming. That could add stress the kids and those around me.) Plus, I used to have the goal of getting shopping completed by the end of October. That worked for me because decorating and baking were important...and cards. So, did the excitement match reality?

My excitement leading up to December 24 and 25 is about people. Who will I see? What can I do to make the holiday memorable for others? How do I make the celebration center around Jesus? Well, prayer needs to be added.

When the season includes daily prayer time, it is our invitation for God to join us. "Lord, please help me keep You the center of Advent and our celebrations on Christmas Eve and Day. I love You and want this time to be Yours." The thought that He left Heaven for me, for us, is such an enormous sacrifice that I have to give Him center stage. Prayer is one way to do that: a specified time in my routine, or sporadic if that is your personality. Talking with Him makes me focus.

For a Child is born to us,

a Son is given to us.

The government will rest on His shoulders.

And He will be called:

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6 NLT

The song, "Move Me Closer (A Shepherd's Prayer)" by Evie Tornquist is playing. It talks about moving closer to the Lord in the manger scene. That is my prayer today and all of Advent: "Lord, please move me closer to You. Show me how to be more like You and to live aware of Your Presence."

Advent Can Be Exciting

2011-12-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what children are expecting at Halloween? At Birthdays? At Christmas? If I was teaching, I would have students write about their expectations. They get so excited when a holiday is coming.

Tonight I am going to a concert and I am sooooo excited! No energy. No Energy. No ENERGY! But, I AM GOING!!! Straight No Chaser is a men's a capella group. I have heard them and seen a video of one of their shows. They are fantastic! But, why am I excited? What am I expecting that would push me to get ready?

Advent is an exciting time but our culture tends to make it stressful: shopping, decorating, baking, cards, mailing, entertaining. But, put it back into perspective of what advent is: waiting for the Savior, celebrating His earthly birth. The rest is pressure put on us by our culture. God loves us no matter what we finish or leave undone this year.

Why is Advent exciting? Well, what could be better or more important? We are celebrating Jesus' coming to Earth from Heaven, taking on human form, sacrificing all for us. Exciting? It is exciting to stop and think about how much He loves us. None of us has ever or can ever sacrifice what He did for us. Leaving Heaven??? Leaving His throne? Leaving His place next to the Father? That is so awesome - fantastic - exciting! I am excited because I want to be reminded everyday of His unconditional, sacrificial love for me. Manger scenes, carols, Christmas songs, children's plays, Luke 2, and some cards are reminders for me of the true reason for Advent.

Why am I excited for the concert? What do I expect that is worth pushing my body so hard? I expect to experience lively music, humor, beautifully blended sounds, fellowship, and the making of a warm memory. I am excited!

Advent Can Be Reflective

2011-12-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

Making the waiting and preparation for the celebration of Jesus' birth can be personal but also reflective. Realizing that the Lord of all is personally involved in our daily lives is exhilarating! For me, He gave me the necessary energy to get blood tests, etc completed for Wed.'s oncology appointment. It was amazing. Where was that energy hiding?

The whole day the Lord was visible and blessed me personally. Maggie, the family dog, brought me her ball and we played together. Another Christmas tub was found and it had a collection of my books. Some of my decorations were added to the rooms throughout the house. It feels like Christmas - Advent and home!

How is REFLECTING different from making this season personal? Personal is being aware of our Lord's presence in our lives. Reflecting is taking time to write, draw, discuss, record about the day or two days. How would you describe yesterday in regards to God's Presence? Your awareness of preparing for Christmas? What brought joy? What brought peace? What showed love?

For me, it was interesting to see how I went from being depressed at how my health impacts others' lives to feeling content to feeling joyful. The circumstances did not change but my understanding of my emotions changed. Reflection turned my depression to joy.

Advent Can Be Personal

2011-12-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

Whether moving, planning a wedding, going on a trip, preparing for surgery, or at the end of your life, it is personal. Often we think of preparations for Christmas as a group or family project: decorating, buying gifts, sending cards, baking cookies, school performances, wrapping the gifts, caroling, or setting up the manger scene. But, to make the Advent season meaningful, it must be personal too.

I was impressed and excited when one young lady posted that she was going to read part of the Christmas story from the Bible each day prior to Christmas. What a great example and decision! Others are making lists and "checking them twice". Some friends have chocolate advent calendars to open each day. All of this made me realize that I need everyday to be a personal journey with God because it is Advent.

My journey has made me more aware of death and Heaven. I have a playlist on my iPod labeled "Heaven" as well as Christmas, Worship, Christian, Country, Classical, Oldies, Jazz, etc. Writing to special people in my life is part of my preparation. Making sure that bank accounts, etc are set up to make the transition easy for others has taken place. Possessions and little details have been thought about.

But, what is special this month, this time of preparing for the celebration of Jesus' birth? Bible reading, being aware of blessings, daily thanking Him for His sacrifice for me, and looking at creation, life, people as daily gifts from God. That is what I will do this month that is different than my daily routine: focus on the gift(s) that He has personally given me.

Years ago, God made a rainbow just for me. This summer He sent a "get well" balloon into the yard just for me. The birds visit the yard just for me. This bedroom is here just for me. The palm trees are visible just for me. Music plays just for me. The laughter I hear is just for me. And, Jesus came to earth, just for me.

When we personalize all that He does and has done,

Advent becomes very special and very personal.

Celebrate His touch in your life!

Advent

2011-12-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Advent is a time of preparation. Transitions are a part of life filled with preparations. After spending three weeks in southern Washington and Oregon, I have now returned home to San Jose. Emotionally it was interesting to go to Washington and emotional while returning home. Going from healthy to cancer with no energy has been a huge transition. And, now, all of us are transitioning from Thanksgiving to Christmas time.

Jesus willfully transitioned from Heaven to Earth. He went from perfection to chaos, no enclosure to a limiting body, perfect love to rejection, Deity to human. Jesus did this for us so we use this time to prepare for the celebration of His birth.

P - Personal

R - Reflective

E - Exciting

P - Prayerful

A - Adoration

R - Radiant

A - Almighty

T - Traditions

I - Intentional

O - Others

N - Nativity

From now until December 25, I want to focus on preparing for Christmas. Hopefully it will remind us that we are preparing for many things during our journey together. This whole month watch to see where God is taking you. While preparing to come home, I was trying to sleep but was frustrated due to little energy. I had wanted to make special memories with Tim and Rachel but didn't have energy to leave the house. I decided to check Facebook and saw that the verse on my News Feed from Bible was Psalm 73:26:

My health may fail,

and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever.

I love how He is involved in every minute of my life. Physical transitions. Seasonal transitions. Relational transitions. HE is my strength - our strength. Amen. Memories were made inside their house.

Focus

2011-11-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in a chalet facing the ocean. Wave after wave rolls in, some with spray, some green, some meeting in the middle of a single wave. The horizon is so perfectly straight. Clouds but some faint blue sky showing through at the horizon. My camera is beside me. My iPod is playing Sandi Patty, “We Shall Behold Him”. The smells of breakfast are coming from the kitchen. The pine tree beside the window is still.

The first morning this pine tree had about five little birds flying, landing, getting food, and departing. So, for the next two mornings I have waited for the small birds to return. As I was taking pictures of the waves, a small flock of the yellowish birds flew past the window. My focus was on the waves.

It reminded me of how often my focus is elsewhere when God is waiting for me to communicate with Him. The other night I was saddened by a comment on Facebook and decided to read some verses on Bible Gateway. The verse of the day was Colossians 3:17 NLT "And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father." Our actions and responses must reflect Him. Wow! The loving Lord was present: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1 NIV After praying, my focus remained on Him and on what the other person needed. PTL!

Reminders of focusing on Him, on the other person, on His Word put a smile on my face. Focusing on me often robs me of the joy. There is joy if we keep our focus on Him. (And... another flock of birds just flew by the window. Funny! HE is present and has a sense of humor.)

(My CT Scan showed the small tumors in my lung but they are stable - not growing. Thank-YOU, Lord!)

Give It Back to Him

2011-11-14T20:03:00.000-08:00

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
        The one thing I ask of the Lord—
        the thing I seek most—
        is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
        delighting in the Lord’s perfections
        and meditating in his Temple.
        For He will conceal me there when troubles come;
        He will hide me in his sanctuary.
        He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
                Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
                Be merciful and answer me!
                My heart has heard You say, “Come and talk with Me.”
                And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”

Psalm 27:1, 4 - 5, 7 - 8 NLT

Psalm 27 is a source of strength for me. Today, I could feel myself becoming anxious for the results of my CT Scan. Back to my process so that I can leave it with the Lord. He is my Light: sheds light on the Truth, the future, the darkness. He is my Salvation: directs my focus, clarifies importance, saves me. He is my Fortress: protective buildings, safe home, all around, above, beneath. I reviewed why I don't need to worry because all of the possibilities are covered and He knows which one is real. Look at Who He is!

There are actions for me to take: live in His house, His Presence, awareness of Him; delight on His characteristics, His perfection; meditate in His temple, in His creation, in His Word. And, most of all, talk to Him. He asks us to COME and TALK with Him. Physically come to a place where we can focus on prayer, talking, and listening. He is available.

I do not need to stress or take back the results from Him. Focus on His Word and characteristics. Pray. He will meet me and give me peace. Find your place to live, delight, meditate and then talk with our loving, perfect Lord.

My Process

2011-11-12T01:11:00.000-08:00

I had my CT Scan a few days ago but I haven't been worrying or thinking much about the results. This time I was able to process the outcome the way I did when Tim, my son, was in Iraq.

For a mother having a child in war is a difficult time. The Lord was faithful, helped me, and gave me peace. One thing I did was think about what could happen. Then, I went through each scenario and thought about what the future would be like. I gave it back to the Lord and if I was tempted to take it back and worry, I'd go through the steps again.

This week, I listed what the CT Scan could show:

1. The tumors have shrunk in size or disappeared due to the medication.

2. The medication has kept the tumors the same size.

3. The tumors have grown.

4. The cancer has spread and there are more tumors in the lungs.

5. The cancer has spread to other parts of my body.

Next, I thought about what each possibility would mean for my life.

1. Praise the LORD, the side effects from the medication are worth it.

2. Same...Praise the LORD, it is worth it.

3. With my oncologist, we will decide if there is another option for treatment.

4. Same discussion will be needed.

5. This discussion will be about the quality of life.

Last, the situation goes back to the LORD because it is out of my control. While waiting, I can read verses in my Bible, listen to music, laugh, write, go up to southern Washington/Oregon to visit family and friends, use my camera to record the beauty around me, and focus on those around me.

The Lord is my strength and shield.

I trust Him with all my heart.

He helps me,

and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7 NLT

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5 - 6 NLT

This process works for me while in limbo. Each of us are unique and must find our own way to cope while waiting for answers. What is your coping process?

Another Test Followed by Waiting

2011-11-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

This has been stated several times in my blog but here I go again: CT Scan on Wednesday to see if the medication has slowed down the growth, stopped the growth, or shrunk the tumors in my left lung. Or, is it spreading? Cancer is the focus this week.

This is my command—be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid or discouraged.

For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9 NLT

Amen! HE is with me and my focus needs to stay on Him. I KNOW this! Then the human side kicks in and I am reminded that my body is battling an enemy that has broken through the protective walls. Some days I can forget that battle and just deal with the energy or lack of energy. For example, today I learned another coping skill for getting up and out of the shower: keep a cane next to the shower door and use it for balance. (Wow! I'm a genius!!!)

In the middle of all of exercise of disciplining my thoughts, another blessing came: a trip up north. I love it here and am very, very thankful to be right where I am. But a trip? That gets my mind off from waiting for the results. A "God thing" is what I like to call it. Not discouraged...I'll reconnect with other family members and the beauty around me. I love how the Lord works things out and changes settings so that we can see Him more clearly. All Kevin had to say was: it looks like you prefer riding to flying...unless you will let the airline workers come get you at the curb with a wheelchair. Or, is that telling yourself that you can't fly?

So, scan on Wednesday, my sister and her husband come visit on Thursday or Friday, and I will try to "catch a ride" with them on Sunday. During the wait time, I'll be up north. What an awesome God!

Psalm 31 is awesome! Take time to read it as it ends with "be strong..."

Blessings

2011-10-31T12:47:00.000-07:00

Last night a friend asked me about the blessings that the Lord is giving me. She knows that with trials, there are always blessings. I fell asleep thinking about His blessings and His touch. Our loving Lord has blessed me throughout my life in many, many ways: family, friendships, finances, faith.

San Jose has been my home for four months. It is amazing to me that I feel like I have transitioned to this as home. When I left Kent, I left my teaching (a true love of mine), close friends, my comfortable townhome (which was "me" and held memories), my sister & nieces, visitations from Bailey, colleagues, and Kent Covenant Church. Kent had been home for the last 16 years and the Pacific NW had been my home most of my life.

I have been blessed with a loving family here: brother, sister-in-law, niece. The church family here has welcomed me and supports me. The women's Bible study continues to lead me in new spiritual areas of growth. Sunshine. Kevin's wisdom has helped me see the physical changes in me and to see reality. My kids have visited. Another sister-in-law blessed me with a visit. And, Maggie, their yellow lab, is a great companion. The transition has been smoother and more complete than I ever expected or thought was possible.

The Lord is awesome: personal, loving, strengthening, compassionate, understanding, and a guide. The balloon floated by to say "Get Well". We drove to San Francisco on a beautiful, clear, and sunny day. The birds sing everyday and are very visible. We each worship God in our own ways and together. I have been blessed!

Worth the Risk?

2011-10-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

When you receive a new medication, you also get a list of the side effects. Does it make you wonder if the chance is worth it? In the past two years I have had negative reactions to at least six medications. The two most serious were Neurontin - rash that stayed for months, and Sutant - a stroke like reaction that ended with me in the hospital for six days. Then there are all of the medications that cause fatigue. Dislike, dislike, dislike...but one of them is keeping the cancer growth at bay.

The drug companies have to, by law, tell us the possible side effects but the worst one, Sutant, wasn't even known. Do those warnings make you stop and think before taking them or do you ignore them? Do you live like the teenagers, "It will not happen to me" or, do you weigh the good against the potential side effects?

For me, I have even taken one step farther: the doctor says I should continue taking a certain medication based on numbers of tests. My oncologist had a different view as she is focused on the quality of my life and battling cancer. I have to investigate on my own and weigh the pros and cons. What is the appropriate choice for me? For my family?

I think that we do this in faith too. God tells us what the consequences of sin are but we either ignore what He says or don't read it. Sometimes we even say that He will protect us or show us that our choice is wrong if He doesn't want us to go down that path. But, He already has told us! We have the responsibility to read His Word, study what He has said, and obey...or do we say, "This choice is worth the consequences" or "I don't believe that."

For me, the one thing that I must live by is that there is one God. HE is to be number one in my life. Once I got to that point in my life, choices became easier and there was peace. Because:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

Psalm 139:13 - 17 NLT

Thank-You for Your love and guidance, Lord. I will use the abilities You gave me to carefully make choices with my health.

HE is LORD

2011-10-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

The past week has been quite an unusual few days for me. Saturday, Kevin, Luann, and Ashley took me to "the City" (that is San Francisco). We rented a wheelchair and drove in the beautiful sunshine. Above the Cliff House Restaurant, there is a park called Lands End Trail. The trail starts off with a paved path and then becomes a dirt trail. Off from the main trail are stairs leading to other areas of the park. The trail has a gorgeous view of the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge, sail boats, rocks, tug boats, barges, cypress trees, and even a few boats with motors.

This was my first outing in a wheelchair. It was fine as I was not self-conscience at all. If anyone looked at me I'd smile or say "thank-you" when they scooted over so Kev to push me past them. I truly thought that it was going to be uncomfortable but I wanted to go with them into San Francisco and I am not strong enough to walk on the trails. My desire to go out weighed my disappointment in being weak...and I was not disappointed!

Everything was so breath-taking! One has to think about Who created all of this beauty when looking into bay. Awesome!

Then came two days of no energy at all. I slept twelve hours Saturday night and Monday I slept most of the day. It can be discouraging but I have stopped trying to figure out the causes. If I go down that road I can come to conclusions that do not match reality: the cancer is spreading, one of the drugs must be causing it, my kidney is giving out, etc., etc., etc. None of that does any good.

Then, I read chapter three of Out of the Salt Shaker...by Rebecca Manley Pippert, "Jesus - Lord of All." Fantastic chapter on why we give Him control of our lives:

"Besides the fact that He deserves it because of Who He is,

He knows He is the only one in the universe

who can control us without destroying us...

He will make sense out of your brokenness...

The great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us,

He makes us more ourselves than ever before." (p 54)

The whole chapter spoke to me. He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The Lord of all is not concerned about me walking or being in a wheelchair. He is looking at me, who I am, not my new limitations, not what I can do or cannot do. So, walking on my own, using a cane, using a wheelchair, does not truly change who I am. Day with some energy or day without any energy does not truly change who I am.

Funny thing is that I had this lesson when I was bald and again when my hair grew in very thin. His control gives me gentle, little steps that build on one another. Inward appearance, not outward. Use the tools (hats, wigs, hair cream, cane, shower bench, wheelchair). These steps in my life have purpose but of most importance is that they are with the Lord of all in control. Again, it leads to peace.

Use the Tools

2011-10-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

My week has gone from walking 20 minutes a day to having no energy at all. The church retreat did not happen for me. Normal activities have been a struggle. Friends and family have been trying for a long time to get me to use a walker, wheelchair, and/or cane. I also was using a shower bench in Kent but wanted to push myself in my new home. But, was I? No, I just did things that did not take much energy.

We are so blessed to have easy access to the Bible. Because of that, I keep telling myself that for me to have cancer, it had to go through God's hands. He didn't cause it but satan cannot touch us unless God allows him to. (Remember Job 1.) Keeping that in mind, I know that God is with me in this cancer journey. He loves me, guides me, strengthens me, encourages me, and is present with me. That is peace!

So, then, why do I say "no" to things that will help the quality, i.e., mobility, of my life? ACCEPTANCE. I must accept the need for a cane or walker or wheelchair. I must accept that I need it. I must be able to accept that this might be my life. I must accept reality. My thought had been that if I accepted these tools then I would never get stronger. In reality, the opposite is true. If I accept the use of these tools, I am more likely to get out, do things that energize me, and be more content.

Today, the bench went into the shower. The cane is beside me and has been used today. (Not my cane but one to try.) I am ready to accept that this might be my energy level so I will get going. God knew every part of me before I was born...even the cancers. He prepared me, strengthened me, and gave me gifts that could be used now.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:13 - 16 NLT

Pride set aside, gifts in place, situation accepted. Here "we" come, cane and all.

Understanding

2011-10-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

It is a great feeling to be "filled up". After hearing Kev's sermon about not being anxious, I spent an hour on the deck with classical music playing, my Bible, and my journal.

During the night my toes and feet were really cramping. They kept me awake and so I could not make myself get up and go to church. (Thankfully, Kevin's past sermon's are online and I was able to listen to one that I had missed.) I generally try to figure out what is causing pain, discomfort, lack of energy, etc. But, in the end, I don't know if it has something to do with increasing my walking, wearing/not wearing shoes, low potassium, or neuropathy. All I really can do is make sure that I am eating foods high in potassium, observe pain to see if after walking, or if with/without shoes. As for now, living is what I am asked to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do
and He will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5 - 6 NLT

In my Bible reading, it became even more clear that I am to be using the gifts that God has given me...now. My energy cannot be spent on trying to figure out everything my body is doing. I have a good oncologist and it is her job to help sort all of this out. My energy is to be used on eternal issues.

Between Acts 1 and Exodus, one can see that our loving Lord gives us what we need when we are told to do something. The disciples were to wait for the Holy Spirit and Moses was to go speak to Pharaoh. The disciples obeyed. Moses made excuses. Which do I do? Or, should I say when do I obey and when do I act like Moses' early days?

TRUST ~ SEEK ~ WATCH

"Yes" as my little nephew says.

"Yes, Lord."

Where Am I Looking?

2011-10-07T02:04:00.000-07:00

My focus has been on myself and I don't like that. With cancer (or any other health problem), the temptation is to have life be all about me. My friends and I used to joke, "Oh, yes, I forgot that it was all about you/me/etc." But, when we are ill, it is also about our caregivers. People ask me daily, "How are you?" so it is natural to have the discussions be focused on my health.

The first two years of this journey, I began scrap booking feelings and events. The past year I have been making books (I use Mixbook but there are many other choices too) to help me process my emotions. The latest project has been to make a book about the timeline of treatments and surgeries. It was necessary so that I wouldn't be so hard on myself or the medications. The fatigue is what is the most frustrating but the timeline has helped me see that my body has had to go through a lot: three surgeries, chemo, radiation, hormone replacement therapy, and oral medication to fight kidney cancer. My poor body has been battling two types of cancer and so I need to stop complaining about fatigue. I also need to keep trying to do my part in pushing forward.

While processing the frustrations and fatigue, I am looking at myself. It made me stop and realize that there must be a balance: the Lord & me, others & me. Every-once-in-a-while I am reminded to "look up" and "look around". Even when cancer is not the journey, one needs to fight to make others the center of our lives.

One morning I was praying that I would be aware of God's Presence. (He is always here but I do not always stop and focus.) I walked out of the room where I had been and glanced into the living room. There is a table with a candle in the middle and at that moment the sun began to shine right on it. Wow! What a blessing! I prayed, He heard me (naturally), and responded immediately. His love can be so overwhelming, peaceful, comforting, and strengthening. Now I need to go back to the timeline and include all of the miracles that have been a part of this journey.

Half Empty or Half Full?

2011-09-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

Starting last Friday has been interesting. I could say that it has been awful: got stabbed in the foot with a fork, Maggie took part of my finger with the dog treat, had a migraine, stomach issues, back/side pain. So, a bad week?

Or, I could say that I completed one Christmas gift, almost done with another, ordered gifts for several other people, and have worked on a puzzle. I was able to Skype one evening and have received a few pictures of Hawaii sunsets. One friend mailed a card with a picture of the two of us. I received a gift from my Aunt Sharon. And, was able to talk to one of the ladies from New Life Covenant. So, a good week?

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Philippians 4:4 NIV

And Nehemiah continued, “Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”
Neh 8:10 NLT

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
Psalm 28:7 NLT

Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

Psalm 32:2 NLT

We can look at the negatives...including the things that we don't have, or we can think about the positives. I choose joy! I have to discipline myself to do this but we can:

Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable

—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:8 NIV

What Do We See?

2011-09-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I was able to Skype with family and friends. It was so great to see their faces. We regularly text and sometimes call each other but this was different. My two-year-old great-great nephew could see me and I could see him. We connected with each other. My friends commented about how great it was to see me and that we would have to Skype more frequently.

If we are so visual in our connections with others, how do we relate to God? He is invisible...or is He? We have His Word, lessons in His creation (animals, plants, scenery), and the people He created in His image. I cannot see Him in a body because He cannot be contained. But, He can be "seen" in His creation. The more of His Word that is read, the more I can see His characteristics. The more I learn about His characteristics, the more I "see" Him active in my life. The more aware of His activity in my life, the more I love Him...and "see" Him. He is visible to us when we look.

Inside Beauty

2011-09-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

The outside heat is up...

so the inside fans are on...

People can be the opposite because it is the inside that produces beauty on the outside. I've been taught this throughout life and strongly believe it. But, once cancer became a part of my life, I found myself being self-conscious of my appearance: bald, hair growing back differently than it had been, weakness so that make-up is often a luxury, and wheelchair/walker in my future. Not just growing old but physical changes quicker than expected.

This week I was given a picture of a couple from India who were visiting their son at church. I have known this family for over two years and they have faithfully prayed for me. In the picture the beautiful couple and I were saying good-bye as they head back to their home. I looked terrible! I was wearing one of my favorite outfits - giraffe crops, giraffe shirt - but the top did not have a collar. (I do not like to go without a collar due to my "double chin".) At the time I thought that I could branch out and wear collarless shirts. Ha! I looked terrible!

My great-great nephew sent me a video saying, "Hi Aunt Kathy! Oh. I love you. Bye." In three months he has learned to talk and the video is so cute. I made one for him that told him "Hi and that I loved him." I looked terrible! I recorded it three times and, guess what, I looked the same.

What I have discovered is that it truly is the inside that matters. People keep telling me that I look fine, good, healthy. Why do we see different characteristics? My family and friends know me, love me, and see the complete me. That is the way God sees me. That is where my focus should be: it is the inside that matters!

The Lord is my strength and shield.
I trust Him with all my heart.

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7 NLT

Emotional & physical strength, shield from negative self-talk, and day to day help. Remembering Him and all that He does, I can trust His opinion and sing songs of thanksgiving with joy. Focus on the inside...

Joy

2011-09-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

So be truly glad.

There is wonderful joy ahead,

even though you have to endure many trials

for a little while.

I Peter 1:6 NLT

Be truly glad...not just external joy but internal too. Not joy to appear strong, but deep down inside us. Why? "Look at what is happening to me," you say. How can I be full of joy?

I'm waiting for my MRI results and may have to wait until Tuesday - five more days. I'm not good at waiting because I do best knowing what is ahead. When I know, life moves forward for me. When I don't know, I have to discipline myself to stay away from "what if" thoughts. So, I decided to look up verses about joy and found this one:

~ Be truly glad

~ Wonderful joy ahead

~ Trials to endure

~ Trials for a little while

Isn't our Lord good? This verse is perfect and just what I needed. As you know I've been in this waiting pattern many times; all with cancer, relationship issues, other health issues, job interview results, also wait. Our loving Lord gives us hope: we'll have problems but look ahead to the joy we will have. This is all temporary...temporary.

I love the Lord! He is loving, compassionate, patient, understanding, ever-present, and forgiving. Focus on Him and be truly glad because of the relationship He allows us to have with Him. That is joy!

Hidden Rules

2011-08-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed that any place where you spend a lot of time - work, marriage, church - there are hidden rules that take a while to learn? With the beginning of school for many, I've been thinking about Emerald Park first opening. I miss the staff, students, parents, culture.

When we were preparing for the opening of the school, we had a workshop with part of the focus on hidden rules that we'd be carrying from previous schools. Our wise principal and Connie, the workshop leader, had us rate characteristics that were important to each of us. WE purposely set up the culture that we wanted. It was a great experience that taught me a lot.

But, what about Ruth? Did this brave, compassionate, hard working lady know this? She was thrown into a new culture that she had only experienced a small piece of during her short marriage. Naomi walked this journey with her, giving her insight as to their cultures' rules. She told her about the expectations while harvesting barley. Thankfully, she was given information as to what was expected.

When we experience new circumstances to our journey, whether it be a new job, a new home, a new school, a marriage, there are hidden rules that each of us need to learn. We may have "a Naomi" in this new step or we may have to learn them through our observations, but we need to be aware of the expectations and adjust.

One part to make the transition run smoothly is to remember that we also have hidden rules that are brought to the table. So, what did Ruth bring to the table? I'll have to think about that further.

Want vs Best

2011-08-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

Tears in my eyes because I physically couldn't make it to church. A young wife crying because her husband walked out. A childless couple going through another disappointing month. Friendships getting strained due to different stages in life. And yet, Lord, all have been praying to You. Why? Are You listening? Are You answering? What are You doing in these situations?

Father, I don't question having cancer, metastasizing into both lungs, or reactions to drugs. But, I really wanted to go to church today. We talked before I went to sleep. Every time I woke up in the night, we talked about me going to church today. We talked about stopping satan from touching my body so that I couldn't go. We talked...

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

Psalm 42:8 NLT

When I stop, think about why my eyes are tearing, and realize that it is just one day, it is easy to go to the Lord again. He reminds me in His Word that He is listening and loves me. My disappointment is very little when looking at what others are going through today. I wanted...He said, "No". He is the King of my life and so I turn to Him, not understanding the "why" but trusting His kingship and wisdom.

The Lord says,

“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you.

Psalm 32:8

Naomi and Ruth

2011-08-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

What a blessing Ruth was! When Naomi decided to return to her native country, her daughters-in-law started out with her. Then this wise woman explained to them that they needed to go back to Moab with their families. That way they would have the possibility of marriage. Orpah listened and did what Naomi asked. Ruth continued with Naomi and stated:

“Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back.

Wherever you go, I will go;

wherever you live, I will live.

Your people will be my people,

and your God will be my God.

Wherever you die, I will die,

and there I will be buried.

May the Lord punish me severely

if I allow anything but death to separate us!”

Ruth 1:16 - 17

What devotion Ruth had to her deceased husband's mother. She had become more than a mother-in-law; Naomi was her friend and Ruth was a loyal friend. She gave up her family, the possibility of marrying again, her god, and even the possibility of becoming a mother. Wow! She was willing to give up her past for her aging mother-in-law. This loving, brave lady must have known that she would have to take care of Naomi in the years to come.

I can relate to this part of the lives of these two courageous ladies. In my life at the present, I am Naomi and my loving brother, sister-in-law, niece, and family are represented by Ruth. We have no idea what is ahead in our new journey but we do know that I will not be this healthy forever. (Every time I have seen my new oncologist I ask her about my life expectancy. No one knows - except our loving Lord - but as more information comes in from my tests, I still ask.)

Knowing that my living with them was going to require more responsibilities for each of them, they still asked me to move in here. They prayed and knew that this was their new journey as well. What a blessing they are! God's gift to me. Knowing that Naomi was growing older and would require more assistance with each year, Ruth was willing to step up and accept this new journey into a strange country.

Wherever you go...weaker, in pain, nauseous,

We will go...

Wherever you live...memory issues, childlike,

We will live...

Each of us is asked by God to give, to change situations, to grow. What Ruth already had learned was that God, the living, loving Lord, would be with them. Let's live in that reality together.

Naomi or Mara?

2011-08-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

Is the glass half empty? Can God be trusted to protect you? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Does God love us even when painful circumstances come into our lives?

Naomi left Israel due to a famine. While living in a foreign land her two sons married. Her husband died. Then her two sons died. The famine ended and she returned to Israel. One daughter-in-law, Ruth, left her country to travel with Naomi. What could this lady remember or have learned? What can we learn from her? Remember, we see the complete story while she only saw what was happening at the time.

When her friends heard that she had returned, they greeted their friend by calling her by name, "Naomi". She told them to call her "Mara for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. I went away full but the Lord has brought me home empty." (Ruth 1:20 - 21) I can see her anger or bitterness. I can see the negative circumstances. I can see her pain. But, I can also see that she is still aware that God is present in her life. This mother-in-law goes on to help Ruth get food and eventually a husband. She gets angry, is aware of the true and living God, and continues to be a responsible, loving mother to her daughter-in-law.

Because of the written word, the Bible, we have promises and a better understanding of God's love. From this passage we can see that when we get angry, bitter, or frustrated with God, He is still with us. He will still love us and bless us. When we complain, He still wraps His loving arms around us to comfort and strengthen us. Wow! He loves us unconditionally. He loves me unconditionally.

I wanted to go to church today. I wanted to feel stronger. I wanted...but instead, the Lord stayed with me, surrounded me, and loved me. What could be better? Nothing! My glass is half full!

In His Hands

2011-08-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

God is our refuge and strength,

Always ready to help in times of need.

Psalm 46:1

Back to reality: medical issues. It is often frustrating to think you can do something and then stand up and know that there is no energy for that task. This can happen even when we don't have cancer. Do you ever pray, "Lord, I want to be able to ..."? And then it doesn't happen. Why? I don't know but I do know that at that point I need to rethink the day and go a different direction.

I'm learning that His help is sometimes a change in my attitude or expectations. If I listen to my body, do what I need (drink water, take meds, etc), and look to Him, I can "roll with the punches". We've often talked about His plan vs our plan, but not usually when referring to one day. For me, this is the day to rethink what it is going to include. I've never found grumbling or complaining to help me with energy so I'll look to Him.

Standing Straight thru Trials

2011-08-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

While driving back from my week in Oregon, there were slopes with trees that were standing straight. Even tho' the ground was sloping, they grew straight up to the sky. It made me realize the lessons or examples in nature that God put there for us.

When the ground is sloping, tipping, or feels uneven, we still need to look up toward our loving Lord for our strength. When we look to Him for our water and light, we can grow straight no matter what the ground - circumstance - is doing.

See how much He loves us? He "talks" while we are riding in car, sitting on the deck looking at the scenery, or walking down the road. It is personal! He knows us, loves us, and is with us through everything. That's peace.

He is Faithful

2011-08-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

My health may fail,

and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever.

Have you ever had circumstances happen to you that didn't seem "fair"? How did God fit into what was happening to you? Is God in one box and your life's circumstances in another? Or is your life separated into two planes: spiritual - physical?

Remember Job? God allowed satan to test him but did not cause it. HE allowed it and then was right there watching and later offering hope and strength and the outcome. For some reason, my mind does not go to "why is this happening to me" but rather, "can God be seen in this situation". When I look for Him, He is always there. The loving part is that He walks with me, comforts me, guides me, brings people into my life to walk with me, and gives me strength. He is always faithful...I love Him so very much!

But as for me,

how good it is to be near God!

I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,

and I will tell everyone about

the wonderful things you do.

Ps 73:26 - 28 NLT

Beauty in Changes

2011-07-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

Birds chirping, breeze blowing, sun shining, flowers in bloom. Palm trees. Lemons. Dog at my feet. Change has its losses and grief but it also has its beauty. During the ten years Naomi lived in Moab, she must have found beauty too. We know that her two sons were married there so there was joy.

I have never traveled to the middle east but we have the advantage of looking at maps and pictures. Ancient Moab had beauty: rock formations, sun, sunsets, and a river in southern Moab. They had rock, sand, and clay to make pots and bricks for their homes. The main thing for Naomi was that there was food and her family was there.

As we grieve or experience events that we don't like, remember Philippians 4:4, 6:

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again, REJOICE. ... Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. (NLT)

The loving Lord isn't asking us to say, "Hooray, I get to experience cancer." Our joy is in Him. Even in the midst of change He sends a rainbow...or a "Get Well Soon" balloon.

How Long Do You Wait?

2011-07-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

How long do you wait for a hummingbird to come and eat? Since being in San Jose, there have been two visits from hummingbirds to one of the flowers in the back...that I have seen. So, I tried finding a site that told me when they usually feed but there is no set time. Apparently, these fast, beautiful, tiny birds eat throughout the day.

When Naomi moved to Moab due to a famine in Judah, what were her questions? What are the customs surrounding meals? Who gets the water? Where can we sleep? Is eye contact to a Moabite woman ok? Where can we worship our God? Are the neighbors friendly? Can we invite them to a meal? How will I learn their language? Is it safe to let my sons play with other boys their own age? And, what about school? Our children have to be taught "our" way and not the ways of the Moabites.

Changes involve questions. Changes include some form of loss. Changes make us investigate the new. Our faith can strengthen and deepen while going through a major change. Naomi, her husband, and her two sons moved to a new country. No Israelites. No familiar place of worship. No siblings. No female friends. But, Naomi had her God, her faith, and her life experiences to give her hope.

The Book of Ruth

2011-07-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today, I began studying Ruth. Naomi and Ruth went through many changes and so it seemed an appropriate place to find wisdom. First a move to another country: different beliefs, possibly a different language, different customs, and a different living situation. They left all of their friends, place of worship, work, and home. Naomi left the familiar with her husband and two sons. She trusted God, knew His ways, and kept her faith, her anchor.

My move is less drastic than Naomi's move. She moved into an unfamiliar culture but I just moved to another state. Tho' I didn't move "with" anyone, I did move "in with" family. I can still communicate with Washington friends and relatives too. Brave Naomi didn't have that connectedness. During my adjustment time, I will reflect on her wisdom and faith.

My New Home

2011-07-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have been in my new home - living with my brother and sister-in-law - about nine days now and have seen God at work with this huge transition. It is my belief that when we watch for His hand at work, we can often see Him in the circumstances. This week He has been in many of the details of my adjustment: working with Social Security Office to apply for Disability, finding out that I am entitled to other funds, working with a conscientious social worker at Valley Medical Center, energy to get a lot accomplished on Thursday, a brother who is willing and able to walk this paperwork trail with me, videos of my dear great, great nephew, and encouragement from my sister-in-law along with a book by Larry Burkett about his battle with kidney (renal cell carcinoma) cancer.

Not all has to go my way to see Him at work but even then, He holds me up, keeps me moving forward, and surrounds me with His love. I love the Lord so much! It is constantly a question of mine when they travel this road: how do people get thru the crisis, changes, and hurts without the Lord?

Friends

2011-06-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God

because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God.

Romans 5:11 NLT

Friends are so special and so different. You have friends who are in your life for one season and others who span most of your life. Because I will be leaving my friends in Kent and moving to San Jose, I have been spending time with many of them. Each one is so different and tugs at my heart strings in different ways.

One day this week I had dinner with one of my closest friends. We haven't seen much of each other in about two years but when we get together, time doesn't matter. It feels like we have been involved in each other's life regularly.
One of my friends lived with me for five months while I was going through chemo. Even while going to work, she cooked, cleaned, and did laundry for me. Every morning this thoughtful friend fixed food for me to eat for breakfast, snacks, and lunch. She met all of my needs.
Another friend has walked with me through divorce and illness. She is practical and has helped with paperwork, getting a small refrigerator upstairs during my chemo months, getting the garbage out on the correct day, and grocery shopping. Practical things that needed to be done.
One friend drove me to chemo almost every week and stayed with me during the three+ hours. After surgery or emergencies, she would also sleep at the hospital when family members couldn't. This organized friend made sure that I was where I needed to be...and on time.
Others have helped with school needs, meals, visits, cards, flowers, and encouragement.

Friends have been very, very important to me but they are limited by time, location, and the physical. God is not limited. He can and does fulfill all of these needs. If I don't take time for Him, He is still present and is familiar when I do stop and focus on Him. He gives me energy and focus to get the practical things in life accomplished...or He sends a friend or family member to help.

As I depart on this journey, I will cling to Him while I grieve the distance from friends. It will be another new experience with Him.

Another CT Scan

2011-06-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am having a difficult time. I had another CT Scan to see if the kidney cancer medication is containing the cancer, reducing it, or having no impact. As usual, there is a wait time of two to three days before finding out the results. Most of the time I give it to God and know that all will be fine. The past few tests have had negative results and maybe that is why I am feeling this way: kidney cancer had metastasized into my right lung, the cancer had spread to my left lung.

Emotions are all over the place but it probably has many reasons, one being limbo and another moving away from the familiar. Reality is this move is exciting with many perks. Reality is that God has prepared me my whole life for this journey. Reality is that I love watching where new journeys take me. That being said, my emotions are still all over the place.

I will praise the Lord at all times.

I will constantly speak His praises.

I will boast only in the Lord;

let all who are helpless take heart.

Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;

let us exalt His name together.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;

He saved me from all my troubles.

He surrounds and defends all who fear Him.

Psalm 34:1 - 8 NLT

After reading Psalm 34, I went to bed and knew that the loving, all powerful Savior was with me, surrounding me, holding me. That is peace in the midst of the storm.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him!

2011-06-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

One day the members of the heavenly court came to present themselves before the Lord, and the Accuser, Satan, came with them. “Where have you come from?” the Lord asked Satan.

Satan answered the Lord, “I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on.”

Then the Lord asked Satan, “Have you noticed my servant Job? He is the finest man in all the earth. He is blameless—a man of complete integrity. He fears God and stays away from evil.”

Satan replied to the Lord, “Yes, but Job has good reason to fear God. You have always put a wall of protection around him and his home and his property. You have made him prosper in everything he does. Look how rich he is! But reach out and take away everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face!”

“All right, you may test him,” the Lord said to Satan. “Do whatever you want with everything he possesses, but don’t harm him physically.” So Satan left the Lord’s presence. Job 1:6 - 12 NLT

This is a comforting passage, showing us how the Lord is in control and events/circumstances "go through His hands". There is so much more in these verses but all I am referring to is how the negative isn't coming from the Lord...and He can and does set limits on what is happening in our lives. Nothing can happen to us without Him saying, "yes".

For me, I must remember this when there are things, like cancer metastasizing, that come my way. This move to San Jose is one of those events that went through His hands and got His approval. The friends and family that this impacts also have this assurance. For those of us who know and love God, can grab onto the promises that He is good, loving, and will be with each one of us on this new journey. This is not just my journey or adventure, but all of ours. Our lives touch each other. I'm looking forward to seeing what the loving, almighty God has in store for me...and for you.

His Blessings

2011-06-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

...and we know that God causes everything

to work together for the good of those who love God

and are called according to His purpose for them.

Romans 8:28 NLT

In three weeks I will be moving 1600 miles south. The Lord is blessing me in so many ways because He promises to be with me through everything. He has been with me while I have learned about cancer and treatments. He has been with me during surgeries. He has been with me when I have reacted to medications. He has been with me when I was too fatigued to teach. He has been with me in the hospital. And, He will be with me during this move. I don't know how I can get everything done. I don't know where my energy will be coming. I don't know...but He does.

...when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.

...endurance...let it grow...needing nothing...

If you need wisdom, ask...

God blesses those who patiently endure testing...they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him...

Whatever is good and perfect

comes down to us

from God our Father.

James 1:2 - 5, 12, 17 NLT

Some people might blame God but when we remember how much He loves us, we can trust what He is doing. I have cancer and I have been asked to move 1600 miles out of my familiar, comfort zone. What is He asking you to do?

Come and See

2011-05-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Come

and see

what the Lord has done...

Journaling has been a part of my life for decades. That is one way that I process what is happening in my life. It comes in handy for me when I need to review how faithful the Lord has been to me. He has shown me His love in so many ways. Even now, I can see that this next journey will be exciting. It will definitely be a time of growth because of all that will be left behind - all the familiar. But, I have learned that when there are major changes, the Lord is very present. That always gives me hope to see what He will do.

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

In HIS Hands

2011-05-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and He turned to me and heard my cry.

HE lifted me...
HE set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

HE has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what HE has done and be astounded.

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Yesterday, my wise brother and I were discussing my future health and its impact on their lives. I was telling him that I feel guilty - bad - sad that if my health doesn't get any better, it will put a lot of pressure on them. First Kevin reminded me (not his exact words as he can state things better than I can) that our loving God is in control of my health, my life, my situation, etc. He's right there with me. Then he told me something that was a new thought: the Lord may take them - my brother and sister-in-law - on a new journey too. Their journey is also in His hands. Dah!!! That gave me such peace.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the LORD...

My only hope is in Your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Psalm 40:1 - 4, 11 NLT

The Adventure Continues

2011-05-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

What a winter! The last time I blogged I was waiting for results about my lung. Since then, I have had the upper lobe of my right lung removed as the kidney cancer had metastasized. Then it spread to my other lung so we tried medicine to stop its growth. I had a stroke-like reaction to the meds and was in the hospital for six days. Went home and returned to the hospital a few days later with bladder, kidney, and blood infection.

Everyone was concerned because I live alone. The decision was made for me to move to San Jose, CA with my brother and sister-in-law. It is close to good medical doctors and to the sun. lol

Life is full of changes and this is huge for me. While trying to help others accept the move, I am processing what this will feel like to me. Thankfully, the one certainty is that the Lord is with me and will continue to be with me every step of this leg of my journey. There is no map or visible plan as far as my health is concerned. The Bible must be my source and trust in the Lord must be my strength. So, onward I go to San Jose, CA in one month.

Another New Phase

2010-10-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

Today I met with my oncologist to go over the results of a PET Scan and CT Scan. In a few days I will also have a MUGA Test which is to observe the heart. The two reports showed something on one of my lungs. It could be pneumonia or the kidney cancer has spread. Both are treatable because they were discovered early.

Last week one of the oncology nurses asked me what I felt I had learned this past year. We had been discussing spiritual growth. I told her that I wasn't sure...but a few days later it dawned on me that what has been a reoccurring theme has been to trust God because He has a plan. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for my life. He has a plan for those around me too. That is where my peace comes from...He loves me more than any person is capable of loving. He knows what is best. That is peace!

Plastic or Glass

2010-06-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

It takes a friend or sister to see where the improvements are. When you live with cancer treatments daily, sometimes it is hard to see baby steps that have been made. I know that for me, radiation has been a lot easier than chemo. The side effects of radiation will go away about two weeks after treatment has ended. Chemo effects can take months or a year or can last forever. But when new side effects happen a person can forget that this is temporary and easier than other body changes.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was telling me how great it was to see that I can use the heavier glasses when drinking. All winter and part of spring, I needed to use plastic glasses because of the neuropathy in my hands. I couldn't lift the heavier glasses so we switched to plastic glasses.

Another friend was thrilled when I was able to move the garbage can outside by myself. My son was impressed that I walked to the top of the hill in my complex. Another friend was excited to see that I could go and get the mail without loosing my balance. All of these seem silly, or like baby steps, but to me, when reminded, I'm moving toward self-sufficient living. Others, including my sister, have been excited to see that driving is now possible for me. Fantastic!!!

The questions I am pondering now are: how do these changes impact the way I live now? How do these little steps make me a better friend? How does seeing small improvements help me be a better teacher? What am I learning that will help my children with life lessons? How will the end of these side effects make me grow into a better sister or aunt? I believe that everything that happens to me goes through God's hands first and has a purpose. I might not have the answers to future wisdom that will come from my experiences but there is a reason for all of the baby steps.

Radiation and Strength

2010-05-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have completed eleven days of radiation with 25 to go. With the type of cancer I have/had, this is the easy part so far. (Not everyone has it this easy with radiation. It all depends on the location of the cancer.) I do get tired after it and have the beginning of a sunburn but all of that is temporary.

After writing that, it made me realize that everything in life is temporary. Most of it depends on our attitude. Three days this week I started my day by reading Psalms 66 and 67. My attitude was so positive because my focus wasn't on me. Then I changed my wall hanging from reminding me that I can hide under His wings to Is 40:31

Those that wait upon the Lord

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary,

they shall walk and not faint.

For me that is really important to remember. Strength is what I am wanting. Isn't everyone needing strength for each day and situation? Teachers are needing strength to get through the demanding part of the school year. Those entering the work force need strength because they are not used to getting up that early. Parents of young children need strength because their sleep is scheduled by the little blessing. And, do I need to say anything about parents of teenagers??? We all need strength and our focus needs to be on the Lord. It will come in His perfect timing. We just need to trust.

Roller Coaster Emotions

2010-05-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

I fell asleep at a "normal" time tonight. All of a sudden something fell in the house and I woke up. Then my emotions went to: "I don't want to do this anymore! I want my healthy life back." Now how did I get here??? So many steps forward and then one big one backwards.

Last week I started radiation treatment. It will be for six+ weeks. There are very few side effects, if any. The negative is that I have to go Monday through Friday. That part feels intense because I have no control over my schedule for the next six+ weeks. And, as I have stated in the past, there will always be reminders that I have had and survived cancer. That is very positive except that the dr. appts. will be at regular intervals for the rest of my life.

These feelings are probably very normal but it makes me feel as if I am whining. There are so many things that are worse than stage two, aggressive breast cancer. I have the best doctors and chemo nurses that there are. I also like my radiology oncologist and the technicians. Everyone is so supportive, kind, loving, and insightful.

After whining and praying for a few hours, I will move to being more thankful. Just before my first radiation treatment, my brother sent me a text:

"Make sure you tell your good cells

that the nuke is coming

so they can take cover behind any guys

thinking of changing teams.

Just a strategy.

Quiet warfare is my business."

His compassion, love, and understanding was fantastic along with his sense of humor. And this was just the first of four of his silly texts. Each one made me laugh which is always great medicine. The people beside me laughed and laughed too.

I need to be allowed to whine and to grieve but I cannot stay there. That's why there are promises in Scripture, songs full of hope, family, and friends. Now all is better. Good night!

Plans and Grief

2010-05-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week two things helped me move forward in my life: the MRI and CT scan showed no cancer...and I will be teaching at Emerald Park again! Fantastic news! Each day my strength is increasing and my mind is getting more clear. The Taxel is getting out of my system. I will still have radiation for six weeks but it does not have the same type of side effects. And, I am still bald but I do have fuzz. lol

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope..."

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

This verse is so full of hope even if the MRI would have shown a tumor...but it didn't. It gives such peace because I know that whatever comes my way or has come my way, it is in the Lord's loving hands. This knowledge has helped me over the past ten months along with Psalm 91:4 which assures me that I can find refuge under His wings. He has always been faithful to me and that also gave me peace.

How can I complain? It was odd to me that I was feeling very sad tonight until I realized that my way of dealing with stress or loss is to stay strong, live through it, adjust, and then feel true emotions. I may cry, feel the loss of the year, think about India, but I also feel joy. Many people have shown me such love and there have been many, many blessings...but I do need to grieve the losses so that I can move on. Plans for good, full of hope. That will be my foundation and the power that will allow me to grieve and then get up and go.

Discouraged

2010-04-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember Your kindness...

Through each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing His songs,

praying to God Who gives me life...

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Ps 42:1-3, 5, 8, 11 NLT

Why am I discouraged? It doesn't feel like I am thinking about the potential information of Wednesday's tests. Maybe the question for me should be "Am I discouraged?" At times I'm bored. Sometimes I'm frustrated because the neuropathy in my hands holds me back from writing, cutting, and using the computer. It is even difficult to clip my nails or open the Tylenol bottle. I get irritated with myself for not being brave enough to go out and walk, or try driving again. (I think that I am too wobbly to walk without holding something. My focus had been too scattered to drive.)

My oncologist said that I need to realize that my energy will return gradually, not all at once. Take small steps - 5 minutes of walking - instead of thinking that I should be able to go back to pre-cancer energy. I believe the word is PATIENCE! (I hate that word, but it is such a huge part of life.) Start with 5 minutes and then gradually increase the exercise. Ok. That is doable.

Discouraged? Yes. Should I be? No! I can see. I can sing. I can hear. I can talk. I can smile. I can feel. I can read...and...I am loved. Reread Ps 42. It reminds me of the Lord's kindness, His unfailing love, His songs, and life. There is hope - hope in Him - hope from Him. Am I discouraged? No. Not once I write and read His Word.

Unexpected Turn

2010-04-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you know where the road is going and then all of a sudden it takes a turn? Life would be quite boring if we could see every detail in the road...a straight road. Our faith would be unnecessary because we would know everything that was heading our way.

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. The roughest part of chemo is over and the radiation part of my treatment has been planned. But, another set of tests has been ordered because I have some symptoms that could indicate a brain tumor. It is unlikely but as a precaution I will have several tests to make sure that no cancer cells have survived or traveled.

There is no map for this, just waiting. These past nine months I have learned to focus on what I know and take it one step at a time. I am not a very disciplined person except when it comes to my mind. Thankfully, for the next two weeks, my thoughts will stay on knowing Who is in control, remembering what is true or known, and continuing to build my physical strength.

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to His purposes for them.

Can anything separate us from Christ's love?

Does it mean that He no longer loves us

if we have trouble or calamity,

or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger,

or threatened with death?

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ

Who loved us.

Romans 8:28, 35 - 38 NLT

I will not look at the curve in the road but rather at the One Who loves me beyond my understanding...and the One Who knows my future.

Easter Joy

2010-04-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

He is risen!

The first text that I received on Easter morning was from my daughter-in-law stating that "He is risen!" What joy! Instead of trying to figure out what I could possibly wear to church that would match my limited hat selection, my focus went back to the meaning of the day: He is risen! Bald. Spring. Celebration. Those were the words that had been bothering me because I had no outfit that would be colorful to cover my bald head. All I needed was the gentle reminder of the purpose for the day. The wonder of the day began to take hold of my emotions.

It had been eight months since I had been able to attend church. Between low blood counts and fatigue from chemo, it was not a possibility. Corporate worship has been and is a very important part of my life - my faith. And, this day, this Easter, it became a reality: I would get to attend a worship service! What beautiful timing to be able to go to the Good Friday service and then Easter. Like the fresh start of spring, Easter gives me the feeling of a new start...and life was giving me a new start because the harsh parts of chemo were complete.

See God's movement? He orchestrated the ending of the chemo which tears down my immune system with Easter which is new life, a new beginning. I was able to attend worship services again. After the beautiful service, I turned on my phone and received another text from my niece who lives in California, which was in response to my text, "He is risen!"

He has risen INDEED! (Doesn't it just give you goose bumps?)

I read that and decided I needed to listen to my brother's sermon to see what prompted her goose bumps. (Visit www.newlifesanjose.org) She definitely was full of joy. That was my response to worshipping and hearing the "Hallelujah Chorus".

Then I went home to crash! The fatigue set in and I spent the afternoon sleeping. I woke up discouraged due to lack of energy. Everyone around me was seeing the increase in my activity while I was pouting over the limits my body has. Then another niece sent me this text:

Take a moment to realize that you are here

because of our Lord's unbiased love for us...

He is risen!

I have gone from very little activity to being able to spend four hours out and about. Why the whining? He is risen! He loves me! He is walking this road with me and my strength will continue to return in His perfect timing. Are you whining? Are you wanting something to happen right now? Take a deep breath and look with wonder at all that He is doing. Respond to His movement in your life. Feel the overflowing joy that comes from life all around. He is risen indeed!

Sustainability

2010-03-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

One Sunday in February, I called my brother, Kevin, to ask what he had preached that morning. He told me that it was from Acts about "Sustainability". Then he went through a few of the main points: SUSTAINABILITY ~ Reality, Connected, Oriented. (He also reminded me that his sermons were on the internet at http://www.newlifesanjose.org/.) It was the perfect time for me to be reminded that all I am going through with chemo is doable.

Yesterday I completed Round Two of chemo!!! The rest of my treatment involves two years of chemo which will have minimal or no side effects and six weeks of radiation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! The thoughts from Kev's sermon helped me tremendously, as I approached the last month of side effects from Taxel - fatigue being the most frustrating.

Reality is that life has trials. It can be hard and being a Christian does not stop us from struggles. Cancer changes one's life. Chemo has side effects. God is with us through it all. When living life knowing this, we can "roll with the hits" easier because we live knowing and accepting that this is all part of life. We all have negative events in our lives.

Being Connected to others is essential in life. For me, being connected to family, friends, and church has been vital in dealing with each phase of treatment. Kevin used the visual of birds flying in formation when going a long distance. The leader rotates from the tip of the V to the back and a new leader goes to the point. It has been exciting to see that that has been the process in adjusting to my side effects: my sister stayed with me for 3 1/2 months with two friends assisting, meals were brought in from many other friends, another friend stayed with me for about five months with another friend relieving her on some weekends, several friends drove me to chemo and stayed throughout the process, another friend is now driving and staying each week. Cards, calls, and emails have come from many, many people at church, and again, a different person moves to the point.

Being "Oriented" is an exciting part of sustaining or holding on during a crisis or change in life. Kev explained it as "knowing where we are in the picture". He used a fantastic example from his church and I can see how it applies to this situation: where have I been, where am I, and where am I going. There have been so many blessings in my life since July and one huge one has been to see how it has impacted others and how much love surrounds me. Two nieces and one nephew have left marks on my heart during this time. This has been a great connection with my eldest nephew because we are able to text prayer needs and he has told me many times that his family of four prays for me every night. (They even blessed me with a gift of handmade flowers by his three year old and wife.) One niece injured her knee in soccer this fall - senior year - and was unable to play out the season. She has been a great encouragement to me and then on my last "hard" chemo she was released from therapy to join track. "Today ended up being a wonderful day for everyone!" Another niece texted me an encouragement, "We are able to see God working because of all He is doing for you." and "Yay!! All the praying worked." Many other nieces, my sister, my brother, and friends have been blessings too: texts, prayers, visits, calls. And then my sister-in-law texted, "We are celebrating with you!" I loved that!

Many, many blessings in this journey and it is because of

living in reality,

being connected,

and being oriented - where this fits in the picture.

My Loving Quilt

2010-02-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful gift of love I received from students and parents at Emerald Park! A parent of two of my previous students organized the project and put it together. Students that had been in my classes wrote and colored on squares. It was so much fun to read their messages and see their drawings. The quilt is backed with pink and white breast cancer fleece. I feel loved!

Just like God's love, the quilt is also functional. During chemo the nurses give you a warm blanket to cover you as the drugs can make you cold. Now I will be using my quilt in chemo. It reminds me of my loving students and is symbolic of their hugs.

God's love has gone with me to chemo each week, through all of the side effects, and the days of fatigue. He is as real as the quilt and covers me with love, hope, and peace. I can complain, rejoice, and tell Him my innermost secrets. Just like the quilt, His presence makes me feel loved.

Thank-you Emerald Park family!

My Daughter's Dream

2010-02-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

Events in our lives have many purposes. Another purpose for my plans to go to India became clear last night while discussing Christy's plans for her future. She will graduate from Western WA University on March 20 with a degree in Anthropology and a minor in teaching English to English language learners. Her hope is to go and teach overseas, possibly in South Korea.

The steps that prepared me for India are now needed to help my daughter get ready to teach overseas: passport, visa, passport photos, vaccinations, electrical plugs, items to make her feel at home, language CDs, shipping info, etc. The beauty in this is the reminder that nothing in our lives is ever wasted. God uses our experiences for ourselves as well as others. If I hadn't been planning to go to India, I would not know anything about the above steps to help her prepare to leave the country.

What an awesome God we serve!

Look at how much He loves my beautiful daughter.

He values all the details of our lives.

Sometimes we get to see the purpose

and sometimes we have to wait.

I am thankful that I can see one valuable use today.

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

2010-01-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

Growing up in a home where my Dad and brother were active in Little League, and later my son, I heard this phrase a lot: keep your eye on the ball. It would seem obvious that in baseball every player would know this. But, it had to be taught and practiced.

Life has the same rule if we choose to live with a positive attitude while going through times of difficulty. In my situation, chemo has a way of zapping me of energy and focus. My first round of chemo was so harsh that I had to stay focused on living a day at a time but I should have kept the goal (or ball) in mind too. Now with this second round of chemo, I am able to look at the ball: be cancer free for the rest of my life. With that in mind, even if there is a pain or discomfort and still two years of treatment left, I am able to get up and say, "Thank-you for this treatment!" If I stick to it, I will remain cancer free. That makes me move forward while remaining positive.

Anyone who listens to My teaching

and follows it is wise,

like the person who builds his house upon solid rock.

Though the rain comes in torrents

and the flood waters rise

and the winds beat against that house,

it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock.

Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

Keep eternity in mind...keep your eye on the goal...keep your eye on the ball.

It must be taught and practiced...

We must listen and follow.

False Assumptions

2010-01-07T00:44:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow begins week two of what I am now calling Round Two of chemo, different drugs with different side effects. I am also back to reading Job, a book in the Bible about a man who knew God but experienced troubling times. He had great faith because he never doubted the existence or sovereignty of God. But, the conclusions he made of the changes in his life were based on false assumptions. It made me realize that some of my experiences during this cancer adventure have been based on false assumptions too.

The plans to go live in India for two years were hit with the prognosis of cancer which included two and a half years of treatment. I was shocked into a state of "take action" and then the overwhelming schedule of treatments. The way for me to stay positive was to live one day at a time and not look at the next type of treatment. Round One of chemo was very difficult for my body and the "one day at a time" philosophy was the only way for me to survive.

Then came my false assumption: my life is now and will ever be totally consumed by cancer. For two and a half years I will have chemo and radiation. Then I will always live with the tests that will be checking to see that the cancer has not returned. So, again, the "one day at a time" philosophy was good and was also beginning to be bad. I couldn't see beyond the treatments and tests.

My second false assumption was that each round of chemo or treatment would be extremely difficult. My hope had to come from God and His mercy and strength. He has always given me purpose and joy. Now I had to get my mind focused that way.

Thankfully Job has been being a great example for me. The past two days have physically been my best days in the past five months, and all of a sudden I see myself looking to next year. I can envision myself teaching, visiting relatives, writing, and even teaching adults at church again. Wow! I didn't even realize that I had been robbing myself of choices and a future.

During each crisis we may face - abandonment, divorce, death of a loved one, infertility, loss of a job - we probably live with some false assumptions. I bet the phone calls that I have not returned have even caused some to have false assumptions like I do not care or that I am depressed. (It's truly because of lack of energy and regrouping.) Also, what other people say to us can even cause us to make false assumptions about ourselves. Like Job, I need to remember Who God is, what He says about me, His promises, and where I can find the truth. If my thinking leads me to a dead end or a hopeless future, I need to rethink the conclusion. Where is my false thinking or untrue assumption? Where is your thinking faulty? There is hope for each of us.

The Babe Has Arrived

2009-12-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

The angels appeared to the shepherds, saying, "Fear not!" Their news was fantastic news so they listened, heard, and acted. They hurried and found Mary, Joseph, and Jesus in the stable. And, they were not disappointed.

What great examples for us! The uneducated, hard working shepherds heard about Jesus, rushed to see Him, and it changed their lives. When I read the Bible or hear a Biblical sermon or even a song, I want to respond like the sheep herders. I want to listen and act...I want to hear and take action...I want to understand and reply...

...and there was the Baby lying in a manger. Luke 2:16 NLT

70 Mile Journey

2009-12-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

Round four is complete and next will come eight weeks of a less aggressive chemo drug. For now I still have some nausea, low energy, and low white blood cell count. But, this will improve over the next week. So, the journey continues.

Did you ever wonder why the 70 mile journey of Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem has such a small part in the "Christmas story"? Can you imagine seventy miles on a donkey...and being pregnant? Or seventy miles walking beside a donkey with a pregnant lady? There must have been discussions, encounters with others making the journey, disagreements, cold or restless nights, and many noteworthy events. Why aren't we told?

My journey with cancer has been about six months. A lot about the people, blessings, and miracles have not been documented. For me it has been because of lack of energy, limited insight, and because I am in the beginning or middle of the journey. I am busy living it instead of writing about it.

For Mary and Joseph the story of their travels are not in the Bible because the main character has not arrived. They are the supporting actors and the real miracle is about to happen. It is not because the journey was not important. It is because the time in Bethlehem is life changing for all of us. It is not because there was nothing valuable in their trip. It is because the most valuable time for us was Jesus' birth. It is not because these two servants of God didn't have something to teach us about trust. It is because the angels needed to remind us to be brave: "Fear not..."

For me, it is a good reminder of how I am not at the end of this journey, stay focused on one day at a time...and "FEAR NOT!" We all need to be reminded during various journeys in our lives to focus on the Main Character and Fear Not.

Job Was Human

2009-12-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

Job was a man of faith who encountered great loss. He believes that God has stopped listening to him. This man of faith never doubts God's existence or sovereignty but he does question His justice and mercy. Job's friends view trials as a sign of sin. They accuse Job of sinning and state that his troubles are totally due to his own sin. In his discussions with them he blames God for destroying his hope. Job is angry with Him and feels that God has abandoned him.

It is easy to read the Book of Job and miss his faith. Some of his words are negative about God and a lot of his thinking is false. But, then he says, "Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high." He still knows that God knows all. Job begs for mercy and in the middle of his complaining Job says, "But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that He will stand upon the earth at last...I will see Him for myself. Yes, I will see Him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

During chemo, there have been days when I didn't even open my Bible. God was still carrying me, sending encouragement my way, and holding my hand. The human side of Job validated my emotions. The faith statements of Job reminded me that in the midst of trials, my relationship with God is still real. "I know that my Redeemer lives!...I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

Six Weeks Later

2009-12-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

Wow! I haven't blogged for a long, long time. There is no excuse for not checking in once in a while. My body has had a rough time with the chemo but there have been so many blessings to share.

My sister had been able to stay with me most days since July. She would go home on weekends or her husband would come up and visit. It was such a blessing - such a sacrifice. Then about 3 weeks ago Jack had a heart attack and Karen needed to go home to Chehalis. He had two stints put in and has his energy back, but what a scare.

Friends jumped in to help and so I have someone staying each night. The days right after chemo someone is able to be here during the daytime too. My kids regularly visit and help out by cooking, cleaning, decorating, visiting.

Each person seems to have their own gift to share: one friend organized my school books to sell, one friend collected sick leave days to donate to me, another friend organizes my food when I am going to be alone, several different friends drive me to chemo and dr. appts., colleagues from school bring me large envelopes filled with gifts to open each day, others have sent cards, one friend sold homemade cards to help me financially with Christmas gifts for my kids, some friends provide meals, and three friends flew me to the Grand Canyon before chemo started. Some friends or family members encourage me, others pray with me, and many pray for me. Everyone has their own special way that has touched my life.

I want to thank each of you because

you have touched my life,

encouraged me,

blessed me,

and you bring me joy.

Thank-you!!!

Fear???

2009-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I had my first round of chemo. (A round consists of three hours of chemo thru my port, a shot on the next day, and lab work on day 8.) It was a very rough week for me as I was nauseated, etc for most of the time. I have had four types of anti-nausea meds and finally, as of yesterday, an anti-nausea patch. Along with the nausea, I am learning the differences between recovering from surgery, tired, and fatigued. Prior to this I wondered if fatigue was just a word for tired...it isn't. To me, it feels like your knees are going to give out if you remain standing. So that has been the ten days of chemo.

I can live with those side effects, and still laugh, joke, and enjoy life. In the night time, I became fearful of all of the other potential side effects that are poking their heads up: loosing my hair in about seven days (even tho' I know that it won't be a big deal...at first it might be emotional), "chemo brain" becoming permanent, mouth sores, infections, too fatigued to enjoy the holidays. Then I started laughing out loud, "I wrote many Single Mom Sunday School lessons on FEAR NOT!"

“But I said to you, ‘Don’t be shocked or afraid of them!

hair loss, thinking processes, fatigue

The Lord your God is going ahead of you.

He will fight for you,

just as you saw Him do in Egypt.

with rejection, separation, abandonment

And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you

all along the way

as you traveled through the wilderness,

infertility, loneliness, divorce, son in Iraq,

just as a father cares for his child.

Now He has brought you to this place.’

cancer, surgeries, chemo

Deuteronomy 1:29 - 31 NLT

So, why do I fear? I know that the Lord has been faithful to me through every event in life. Why do I fear? I know what He has promised me. Why do I fear? I know better than to worry about the future as it is not in my control. Let's laugh...let's leave the worry to God...let's march on.

One Step at a Time!

2009-10-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

Chemo begins in three days and I am feeling wiser about my preparation. Last week I was focused on changes and potential side effects. It was overwhelming. This weekend I was reminded that I need to take it one step at a time...and, as stated in my last blog, that God is with me always, everywhere.

At the end of all of the chemo and radiation, strength will be renewed and my relationship with the Lord will be closer due to this journey. What awesome thoughts! Throughout life, every crisis, or extended period of stress, has been worth the struggle because of new thinking and a newer awareness of how God has worked. In one way it is exciting to see how He will "grow me". When typing that sentence, my emotions lifted and I became more focused on using this time as an opportunity to build relationships and to learn to receive from others. One step at a time...look for an opportunity to get to know others...take time to process the learning.

But those who trust in the Lord

will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 NLT

Tonight I am at peace as He is with me and

will give me strength.

A Forever Change

2009-10-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Is 41:10 NLT

Thoughts surrounding the impact of cancer come in stages and then circulate to a deeper level. Throughout the day and finally tonight I realize that this is a lifetime change or sentence, so to speak. I have cancer or I had cancer but will never be done with this disease. That is an overwhelming realization for me! After potentially 124 weeks of chemo with six weeks of radiation in the middle, I will still regularly have tests and doctor appointments. January, a mammogram will need to be taken, and in August of 2010, I will have a CT/PET Scan to make sure the other kidney is cancer-free. Those are just the two required due to surgery.

What do I do with this level of thinking? I need to remain positive as chemo begins. This is not just a change in the plans I had for two years of teaching in India. This is a change where I will be reminded of the potential for unhealthy cells in my body every time I have another appointment...and every time I see the scars.

How does one balance a positive attitude with a devastating event like cancer, divorce, death of a family member or friend, etc.? Pray, journal, get angry, listen to music, read inspirational or uplifting articles and books, find a source of creativity, talk with friends, cry, laugh, and pray ~ pray ~ pray.

...listen to the Lord who created you...

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...

Is 43: 1 - 3 NLT

I choose to trust that the Lord will walk every step with me because He says He will. That is how I will accept and live with this new level of thinking.

Sitting Here Alone

2009-10-05T03:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight (or this morning)I am feeling odd...extremely focused on what lies ahead in about 10 days. A white bear with a pink dress that was given to me by cancer survivor is ready to sit on my lap during chemo. My sister is planning to drive me to the appointments. The schedule has been made.

The oncologist told me that two things are certain: fatigue and loss of hair. Lately I have been frustrated with my lack of energy from kidney surgery and how friends and family have graciously been pitching in to help me with daily chores, meals, and grocery shopping. The past two days I have accomplished very little as my body was exhausted from our six day trip to the Grand Canyon. So what will it be like with 2 1/2 years of chemo? Will I be fatigued some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time? Will I be able to hold on for that long or will I say, "Enough is enough?" Lack of energy is one thing but fatigue sounds a lot more frustrating. What will I be able to do?

Then there is the loss of hair. I think that it is no big deal as my life does not revolve around my looks. But, as I was looking at hats for daily use, going out, and sleeping I decided that maybe I haven't prepared myself for the emotions that will come.

What should I be doing the next ten days? There is a very helpful website, http://www.lotsofhelpinghands.com/ (Lots of Helping Hands) where you put in your needs on a calendar, email friends, and let them sign up for what they will be able to do. I have listed meals, rides to and from chemo and doctor appointments, and cleaning the bathroom. Do you know how hard it is to ask people to do that? All of it needs to be done and with medical bills I am not able to pay someone to clean the house. Already two dear friends have volunteered to clean my bathroom. Wow, that is compassion and service! The needs are on the calendar and my bedroom is organized with the things that I think I will need close at hand. What should I be doing?

Focusing on strength and peace are worth my time right now. Where does my strength come from? Where does peace come from? Who calms my fears of the unknown? These questions lead me right back to the Lord and His Word. My relationship and dependence on Him will give me the strength, peace, and wisdom to face what lies ahead. It is the same for each of us no matter what our present struggles. No human can give me strength and no human can give me peace. I must, once again, discipline my thoughts and time to spend time with Him in prayer, reading, and music.

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.

Neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither our fears for today

nor our worries about tomorrow—

not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—

indeed, nothing in all creation

will ever be able to separate us

from the love of God

that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37 - 39 NLT

A Break Before Chemo

2009-10-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

My niece has four daughters so I have been able to watch the interaction of four females. Quite interesting to watch because you see the conflicts as well as the love. They protect each other and yet call each other on actions that they think are wrong. Comments can be hurtful but get out of the way if they see someone else verbally attacking a sister.

Four friends went to the Grand Canyon...all females. We have been friends for nine to fifteen years. None of us had been to the Grand Canyon and we all wanted to experience it. It sounded like a way to rejuvenate before chemo begins...or was it.

Four of us are friends

Three of us are single

Three of us live in Kent

But four of us are friends

Four of us are women
Three of us are over 50
Three of us raised daughters
But four of us are friends

Four of us have one child who is married

Three of us have grandchildren

Three of us have "grown up" sons

But four of us have children

Four of us love animals

Three of us love dogs

Three of us have pets

But four of us enjoy animals

Four of us traveled to the Grand Canyon

Three of us left someone at home

Three of us had stress calls from home

But four of us remained at the Grand Canyon

Four of us rode a helicopter

Three of us were afraid

Three of us took pictures

But four of us enjoyed the flight

Four of us drove to Las Vegas

Three of us gambled

Three of us had "alone time"

But four of us enjoyed the lights

Four of us had conflicts

Three of us went to a musical

Three of us went to another part of town

But four of us did something we wanted to do

Four of us have faith in God

Four of us believe in the power of prayer

Four of us saw the awesomeness of God's creation

Four of us are thankful for our trip

The Lord allowed this trip for many reasons. One, because I may not be able to travel during chemo. Another to share the beauty of the Grand Canyon. But, also to draw us closer and to have a clearer understanding of each other. This road I am on will not be easy for any of my family or friends. The more we understand each other, the stronger we will be. As my young niece wisely said, "Sometimes all those things, even the bad, will turn out to be a good memory." This cancer journey will definitely have and has had some bumps but I do believe that it will be a good memory of strength, love, and friendship.

Get Up, the Sun is Shining!

2009-09-25T02:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I was able to focus on my grief over the loss of teaching and going to India. To get myself going again, I turn to what I know to be the truth: great friends, supportive children who know the Lord, and a Lord Who loves me. When feeling sad or overwhelmed, I give myself permission to feel down for a reasonable amount of time. Then I do what helps me look past myself.

I have surrounded myself with things that I enjoy doing and outlets of creativity. Last spring my colleagues told me the titles of their favorite books and they are now sitting on the windowsill. To prepare for India I downloaded my favorite music onto my IPod which is sitting near my bed. My scrapbooking supplies are organized in the plastic drawers that were to be shipped to me. Favorite puzzles are ready for me to put together. My camera is close by so that when people visit I can have a visual to scrapbook of this journey. My laptop has enough memory to hold my photos and they have all been backed up on CDs so that I can print them when I feel creative. Scrapbooks were completed of trips, friends, and family members so that I would have them when I felt homesick or lonely: the beauty of Washington, people whom I love, and funny times with friends and family. And, my Bailey dog comes to visit me regularly. All that I had done to organize my trip to India is helping me get up with a positive attitude.

The most important part of moving forward for me is my faith. My Bible is right next to me at all times. I find encouragement, understanding, hope, and joy inside its covers. And, I definitely have time for prayer. It is also a source of strength and it makes me look past myself to others.

My very, very close friend died of breast cancer twenty years ago. When she was no longer able to get out of bed, she asked me why she was still alive. What was her purpose? What could she do and what was the point of her being alive? I remember telling her that the Lord has her alive for at least two reasons: her husband and children needed to be ready to let her go, and she could pray for others...and obviously to show me how to go down this road with joy. I am now finding comfort in those words.

Medicine has come a long way in curing breast cancer so I am not as ill as Maxine was. Her cancer went into her bones and then into her brain. Chemo will make me fatigued and lately my migraines have kept me in bed but I do not have the pain that she had. So, I have been able to use some of my time praying. My medicine is music, laughter, games, prayer, reading, and being with family and friends. (Food still looks like it is a main source of comfort too.) Disciplining my thoughts, taking each day one step at a time, and remembering Who is with me all help me get up after a time of grieving to see the sun shining around me. Never worry when I need to take time to be sad. I have the right medicine to be lifted up.

Distractions Gone

2009-09-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

The wedding is over. Both of my surgeries are done and I have healed. My home is getting put back together. Everyone is at home for now. A website has been set up for my needs once chemo begins. And I am able to catch up on thank-you notes and labeling pictures on my laptop.

The Lord has my attention and I am listening. Two events have been going through my mind as I continue grieving in a deeper way: the beginning of school and teaching in India. Teaching has always been a creative outlet for me, full of relationships. India was to be a huge adventure that I would be doing by myself. Both are and were avenues of spiritual growth. Constantly in the classroom the Lord would allow me to touch students in ways that were beyond my own talents. It was evident that He was working through me. Obviously in India I would have been depending on Him for emotional strength, loneliness, and guidance.

Instead of needing Him in the classroom and in a distant country, I need the Lord to hold my hand through this journey. I have been reading about, and more importantly, talking with people who have been on this road. It can be overwhelming to think about: what will chemo feel like, how will my body react, what will I be able to do during those months, what will food taste like, which smells will bother me, will radiation hurt, will my hair start to grow back only to fall out again, can I really ask people to do all of the daily things for me, etc, etc, etc. It is definitely necessary for me to go one step at a time.

It can and will all be a rich experience for me, full of many blessings and miracles. But, tonight, I am going to allow myself the time to grieve as I know Who is with me. My Bible is right beside me full of encouragement and truths...but for now, I am going to grieve teaching and India. Don't worry, I will not stay in this space for long...just for tonight.

Hope

2009-09-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

I have been reading the Old Testament book of Job as he was hit with more tragedy than I have been. Each day that I read there is always something for me to grab and think about. At one point this man of faith believed that God was destroying the people, animals, and possessions in his life and then attacked his health. He had forgotten Who God was and how much He loved him. It made me realize that our beliefs either make us hopeless or full of hope.

We have the advantage of reading why these things were happening to him: God gave Satan permission to test Job's faith in God. God allows bad things but doesn't cause them. If we believe that God is doing these things to us, then where is hope? What a depressing thought! How can you fight God's power? That is why Job became very depressed too. He didn't understand why God was doing all of these things to him when they had had a good relationship.

Hope comes from knowing Who God is and understanding His love for me. He has always been faithful to me no matter what is happening in my life. This is no different. God did not give me cancer; it is a disease that many of us have to fight. My hope is knowing that my loving Lord is going on this journey with me. My hope is knowing that He has been on this journey with me since July. My hope is knowing that almost everything that I did to prepare to go to India, is helping me on this journey too. Why? Because God knew that I was not going: my house didn't get on the market, the junk in my home is gone, my car didn't sell, repairs and painting have made my home a beautiful place to be, my job at school was filled at the end of the year, and church responsibilities were filled by others. He knew. I didn't. He knew. All has fallen into place. Hope? Yes! Hope is knowing that He didn't give me cancer but He will hold my hand every moment.

Before, After, and Above

2009-09-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Psalm 139:1 - 6 NLT

Where does peace come from during a life struggle? Going to India - no. Stay in townhome - yes. Contract reinstated - yes! Surgery - yes. Got all the cancer - yes. Surgery - yes. Got all of the cancer - yes. Healing - yes. Chemo - yes. Radiation - yes. More chemo - yes. Look at all of the "yes" answers. I had one NO but look at all of the positive answers. If I focus on India I miss the great things that are happening around me. Looking at Chemo and Radiation can be a little frightening. But, God is going before me and behind me. What could be better? Then, He has His hand on my head. That is very personal and encouraging. I will not be alone while having and reacting to chemo. I will not be alone while receiving radiation. I will not be alone...I am not alone. This is wonderful and beyond my understanding but it produces peace.

One Step at a Time

2009-09-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

Two and a half years of chemo and six weeks of radiation are ahead of me. So far, I have been able to look at what lies just ahead instead of two steps down the road. That has helped me emotionally as well as physically but it takes discipline. Chemo is the next step. Yet my mind is jumping to radiation. Why? Fear of the unknown. I have not spoken to anyone who had radiation and so I've been reading about it...It sounds painful.

For chemo, the part that would bother me the most is nausea. Whenever I have been nauseated in the past, I would lie as still as possible so that I wouldn't throw up. I was frozen and would just wait until it passed. Truly, what a big baby! So, when discussing the side effects with my oncologist, he said that there are two known side effects for sure from the chemo: loss of hair and fatigue. He said that nausea is not really a problem because of good medications nowadays. I can deal with the loss of hair and hopefully the fatigue is also tolerable.

Next my mind has jumped ahead to radiation. I began to read about it: procedures and side effects. The thought of it is frightening! I had to put the book away and discipline myself to focus on healing, building my strength, drinking plenty of water, and chemo. I have had to force myself to look only at the next step, chemo.

Remember Philippians 4:6 - 7, "Don't worry...Pray...Tell God what you need...Thank Him...His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Then in verses 8 - 9, "...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable..." I can do that. There are so many good things to think about and so many good things that God has done for me. I can do this! One step at a time...The summer is somewhat of a blur due to the shock of a change of plans and the surgeries. The present is full of joy due to the Kent teachers strike about to end and the wedding of my niece this week. The future is in God's hands and so I will obey: don't worry, pray, and discipline my thoughts. I can do this with His help. I can do this as He has given me the keys! I can do this!

Shattered Dreams

2009-09-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

While scrapbooking my new adventure, I realized that my world had turned upside down 16 days before I was to go to India. I had not realized that the whirlwind hit down that close to departure. Planning had taken 14 months and the turn around was only sixteen days. No wonder I can't remember most details of those two weeks.

Plans do not always turn into reality. What I thought was God's plan for the next two years of my life was not the destination He had in mind. Just like Jonah being swallowed by the large fish or me twirling around in the middle of the currents, we are never alone. Once inside the fish, Jonah must have been disoriented or confused: dark, strange surroundings, senses trying to sort out the new smells, sights, textures, and then the realization of confinement. All of this happened within a few short minutes. All God was telling Jonah was to listen and turn around.

The whirlwind lifted and spun me around. I became disoriented, nauseous, and confused...shocked...disappointed...in disbelief. The speed of the whirlwind was unbelievable. Sixteen days and I would be in India! The force of the wind had picked me up and planted me in a totally different direction, away from India. Yet God was telling me to hold on to Him and watch each event carefully. He reminded me of His unconditional love, His supreme wisdom, and His constant presence. He was with me so I was not alone in the storm.

Two months later, two surgeries later, the wind has calmed, the shock is over, and I am on solid ground. The direction of my life has changed and I am ready to proceed. There is darkness, medical surroundings, new sights, sounds, smells, and confinement. A lot of life is out of my control so I stand up when the wind sets me down. When I am hit by another whirlwind, I wait for it to settle, see where I am, get up and go forward...with my loving Lord holding and sometimes carrying me.

Naked

2009-09-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

Mammogram and colonoscopy done. Second mammogram, ultrasound, and needle biopsy checked off. Lumpectomy and lymphnode removal completed. Brain MRI, CT/PET Scan, MUGA (heart) results back. EKG. Kidney removed. Primary doctor, breast surgeon, oncologist, oncologist's partner, kidney surgeon, nurses, teams in operating rooms, technicians...all know more about me than I knew. Thoroughly examined and physically naked.

While healing at home, many dear friends and family have met my every need. They have been able to monitor my liquid intake, food intake, number of hours in bed, showers, and lack of activity. Each has sacrificed greatly for me and there is very little about me that they do not know.

As I have been getting stronger, being laid open before others has begun to feel uncomfortable. Not that I tried to hide anything from my friends but we all have things we don't like about ourselves that are often invisible to others. Like the junk drawer of our homes, we have junk drawers in our lives. Stuffed in my junk drawer are traits, habits, behaviors that I do not like about myself.

The Lord knows all about my junk drawer. It is opened regularly for Him to examine. I willingly have given Him the key. The ideal relationship with God is nakedness, pure intimacy. People were created naked: Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 NLT Because He is trustworthy and loves unconditionally, I can be 100% open with Him. But now people have been allowed to see my junk drawer and it no longer can be closed. I could start another junk drawer where they do not have the key but is that the way I should live?

While pondering this feeling of nakedness, my junk drawer accessed, lack of privacy, it dawned on me that this still is not the innermost part of me. My lack of self-discipline, ability to be comfortable in sweats, desire to stay home rather than go out, personal filing style (or piling), etc, etc, etc are visible to others. But there are still thoughts and feelings that I can choose to share or keep private. But reality is that this process has been very valuable to make me a more open person and the person that God wants me to be.

I must go to my Source of strength to feel loved and okay:

For the word of God is alive and powerful.

It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword,

cutting between soul and spirit,

between joint and marrow.

It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God.

Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes,

and He is the one to whom we are accountable.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven,

Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses,

for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

There we will receive His mercy,

and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:12 - 16 NLT

My junk drawer is open. I am naked before my friends and family. And, yet, I can come boldly to God, receive mercy for laziness, and grace for my short comings. He loves me and shows me that this is how we all should live: naked. I will try to keep my junk drawer open and have less in it. Great lesson for me!

Not Alone

2009-08-24T23:37:00.000-07:00

The closer I get to Wednesday, the more I am realizing all that it will mean. It dawned on me that I will be going through the surgery all alone. Up 'til then, I was focused on the drain all of this has been on those who have been walking this road with me. But, no one gets to go into the surgery room with me. As I started focusing on the thought of being all alone, I remembered that I will not be alone: the Lord will be with me, holding me, guiding the surgeons hands, and loving me.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Ps 34:4 - 5, 8 NLT

In less than 30 hours I go to the hospital. About 24 hours and I am to stop drinking and eating. In less than 36 hours I will have only one kidney. In less than 16 hours I will have my durable power of attorney and living will notorized. Wow! A lot to think about...but at least I won't be alone. He will be with me, loving me.

Another Bump or Blessing

2009-08-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out that I have a cancerous tumor in one of my kidneys. It was found because of all of the testing due to breast cancer. Apparently they are not connected and the tumor in the kidney is totally contained - not spreading. Yes it is a blessing...and yet another "hit".

Surgery...different surgeon...different hospital...different cancer...different part...different side...different healing time...overnight stay...chemo postponed... ... ... ... ...

Emotionally I want to scream, "No more!" and yet I haven't even started chemo. Physically I want to yell, "What are you doing, Body?" and yet it is my body that is making all of the positive adjustments. Emotionally I want to cry, "More dependence on others!?" and yet no one is complaining. Physically I want to complain, "More limitations?" and yet this is less restrictive than the last surgery. Reality says, "This is not a major set back!" but it is a shock.

I was just beginning to accept the potential drain that chemo will have on my body. I was glad that I was finally going to have my chemo schedule. I was thankful that all of the scans were completed. I was...I was...I was...

Then faith comes in and says:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.

Fix your thoughts on what is true,

and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—

everything you heard from me and saw me doing.

Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8 - 9 NLT

True? Found early, contained in one place, recovery time should be short. Honorable? The compassion of the oncologist. Right? There are many worse things with which others have to endure. Pure? The Lord's love. Lovely? Giving, supportive, loving friends and family. Admirable? The people surrounding me.

When this bump is put into perspective, it truly does come out as a blessing. How else could I experience God's love in action, and know His loving Presence?

What a Change!

2009-08-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

Surgery. Recovery. Awareness. Pain. Tests. Appointments.

Tests. Appointments.

My life has gone from traveling to a new country to visiting every medical building at Valley Medical Center. Modesty to exposure. Creating a classroom in India to creating a healing environment in Kent. Living alone to never being alone. Energy to fatigue. Daily devotions and study to weekly devotions.

Today has been the most difficult day I have had so far in this new journey. No special reason. Nothing new today; at least nothing that I could put my finger on throughout the afternoon. I just had a feeling of sadness all day long, with no motivation to do anything.

Now, at three o'clock in the morning, I realized that it is the ending of the first week of school in India. Then the emotions came that this cancer is not just a small event in my life but an ever changing one. I have always been slow to process events and their impact on my life but most of the time it saves me from a lot of unnecessary drama. The worst rarely ever happens...and for sure this is not the worst scenario in life. It just stopped my dream of teaching in India. (I could possibly do it in the future but right now I am not focusing that way. There was so much time, money, and energy spent on planning my new adventure that I can't see myself reliving the preparations.) So, after a month of living with the knowledge that I have breast cancer, I have accepted the fact that I will not be teaching in India this year...and maybe never.

For me, it is good to feel sad, grieve, and to acknowledge that the rain has come, and it came in torrents. It means that I am alive and actually experiencing life. I know that God will hold me up, love me, and not let me collapse...because He is my rock. I can cry and know that I don't have to be strong...He is my solid rock. I can grieve and know that it is because I didn't get what I wanted...but He loves me anyway. Now I can sleep.

Anyone who listens to My teaching
and obeys Me is wise
like a person who builds a house on solid rock.
Though the rain comes in torrents
and the floodwaters rise
and the winds beat against that house,
it won't collapse,
because it is built on rock.
Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

After Surgery

2009-08-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

Surgery has come and gone, lab results have come back, tomorrow is my appt with my oncologist. I was going to be in India, settled in my flat, and getting ready for school to start next week. Since the shift in plans, I have had to learn many things about adjusting: take it one step at a time.

It has been interesting to watch and experience on many levels: my personal processing, friends, family, and spiritually. It is easier for me to take one small step at a time. I thought about and then accepted the biopsy results. Energy went to surgery and nothing beyond. Next came the lab reports from surgery. Adjusting to the physical changes after surgery and the lack of independence. Now comes the oncology...

O Lord, You have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Ps 139:1 - 6 NLT

My brother had suggested visualizing Jesus standing before me asking, "What can I do for you?" Then remain silent and let my thoughts go to my deepest needs. It was very powerful for me as what I found out that I needed was a physical hug, His hand holding mine, and Him supporting me from behind. Now, as I look ahead to chemo and all that it will entail, I can recall the image and the words, "Hugging. Holding. Supporting". He is hugging me with an overwhelming love, holding my hand as my best Friend, and supporting my back with the strongest and most gentle hands known.

Uncertain about what lies ahead this week. Anxious? A little. Uncertain about my physical reaction? For sure. But, at peace because I do know that He will be walking each step with me. Even in India I would have needed that assurance.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

The Best Pathway?

2009-07-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

For You are my hiding place;
You protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.

The Lord says,
“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:7 - 8 NLT

Isn't it profound that in June this was the passage that I quoted? Wow! This is now what I need. Today it was confirmed that I have breast cancer which is also in at least one lymph node. Instead of going to India in ten days, I will be heading to the hospital. These verses are a great reminder that He is with me and this cancer is no surprise to Him.

"What?" you say. Yes, He knew and was guiding me. I had been at peace with not having my home on the market yet, not selling my car to a colleague, and the packers not giving me a date for them to pack and ship my items. Now I am thankful for all of those events. I still have my home, my car, and my clothes. As I look around, I see His hand in many of the preparations that I thought were to head toward India but are instead to help me with the rough road ahead. All I can say tonight is that He is a good God and I have to remember that as I go through the next few months. You can agree or disagree with me but please join me on my journey...a different one than we discussed but an adventure just the same.

2009-06-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

The temperature in Washington is warming and helping me to change from 50 degrees to 80 degrees. It is allowing me to see which clothes do not need to go with me to India as they do not "breathe". Different friends are meeting me for dinner as we all process this huge change. Last night someone told me that I could still change my mind if I thought that Tim and Christy would have too difficult of an adjustment with me in India. Another person told me that I could break my contract if I didn't like it over there. That will not be necessary. I have no doubts about what I am doing. Yes, it will be a huge change. Yes, the kids and I will miss each other. Yes, there will be times of grief. Yes, yes, yes. But I believe that the Lord is guiding me along this pathway.

I believe that our Lord works many plans, on many levels, and uses them for many people all at once. He is God! God will be doing great things in Tim's and Christy's lives while I am gone. Their faith will grow to depths that they did not know were possible. God will be bringing other people into the lives of my closest friends. God is even providing a good home for Bailey. My home will be sold to someone who will be excited to live there. My car will be useful to a family who has a need for it. God is amazing! He can work it altogether, for each individual, at the perfect time, for many different reasons, all at once.

This verse, this promise is for me as I prepare to go to India and while I am there. This verse, this promise is for Tim while he and Rachel move into a new home. This verse, this promise is for Christy as she completes her education and goes on to her new career. This verse, this promise is for you. He loves us all, hides us, protects us, and guides us. He is personal and He is huge at the same time. He is God!

For you are my hiding place;

you protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says,

“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you.

Psalm 32:7 - 8 NLT

Where is He leading you?

HE Knows

2009-05-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

As the time to leave quickly draws closer, I can see the stress on my family and friends. This weekend I have been blessed to be with Tim and Rachel in Oregon. The weather is fantastic and the communication has been memorable. This is a gift from the Lord, for sure. But, underlying it all has been the awareness that Tim is grieving the loss of time with me.

Then I received a text from Ashley, my niece, asking if there was a verse that I turn to when life is overwhelming. I read it out loud and Tim and I both said, "Jeremiah 29:11."

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope..."

I believe that down to the core of my being. But, it isn't just about me. This adventure of mine will touch family and friends too. And, this verse applies to all of us who are in contact with Him. That is a comfort to me too as I am concerned about Tim and Christy, Karen, Connie and Kelley, etc, etc, etc

Then my devotions in Psalm 66 reminded me:

Our lives are in His hands

and He keeps us from stumbling.

You have tested..

You have purified...

But you brought us to a place of great abundance. vs 9 - 12

Word of God Speak

2009-05-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

Word Of God Speak - MercyMe
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Word Of God Speak by MercyMe

Friday and Saturday we packed up and moved most of my furniture and belongings. My downstairs is empty of furniture and the upstairs is in piles. As Tim left to go back to Oregon, he gave me a huge hug. There was a sigh and I began the next phase of leaving: knowing that I am really going to miss my kids, family, and friends. It is not the material things or this place that has been my home for nine years. It is people - relationships. Tonight I started picturing being all the way across the world, 12 1/2 hours time difference, and not knowing anyone. I was trying to visualize getting off the plane on July 27 and meeting people that I do not know, getting into the van, going into my new home, and trying to go to sleep knowing that I have left everyone at home.

Mother's Day is always a reflective day for me because Mom has been gone from earth for almost twenty years. With packing up and going through old photos it hit me differently this year. Then I got on Facebook and read Ashley's (my niece) thoughts and listened to/watched Luann's (sister-in-law) posting of Mercy Me's song. Everything was back in perspective: the only relationship Who guides me, protects me, and gives me peace will be with me. I will miss my family tremendously, be without my friends who support me and make me laugh, and leave the familiar behind...but I will be drawn deeper to the Lord. HE will speak!

Less Than 90 Days

2009-05-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

God is so good! I feel at peace even tho' Bailey's home is now in question, packing is not complete and friends are coming on Friday/Saturday to move items out, and my "To Do" list is getting longer and longer. Nothing in life depends on me and that gives me comfort. He makes the plans, gives me strength, nudges others to help, and directs my decisions.

Do you ever wonder why He is so gracious? It is His nature. We are His children and He loves us more than when we have children. I have been blessed by seeing a new great-great nephew with his parents. They love and adore him. The family loves him and they even debate whose turn it is to hold him. That is how much the Lord loves us - and even much, much more. His love is unconditional. In realtity, He wants us to come to Him to ask for guidance and help. Like Paul says, "...for when I am weak, then I am strong." (II Cor 12:10)

Time is going by quickly. Chennai is warming up. The flat, classroom, and team have been assigned. There are many demands on my time. But, through it all, the Lord is good!

All In His Timing

2009-04-10T04:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a wonderful God we have!

How great are His riches

and wisdom

and knowledge!

How impossible it is for us to understand

His decisions and His methods!

For who can know what Lord is thinking?...Romans 11:33 - 34a

Today, my son, Tim and daughter-in-law, Rachel, will sign papers on their first house. What an exciting time for them. Their home will have a yard, a laundry room, several bedrooms, and, plenty of room for their three cats - yes, THREE cats.

While this has been going on in their lives, I have been trying to find a good home for Bailey, my canine pal of three+ years. Then, he got sick with one of his pancreatitis bouts. A retired couple was contemplating taking him but I could not let them take him if he was going to have episodes that would stain their carpet. So, I prayed for wisdom and had the kids, family members, and several friends pray too. I needed wisdom. That evening, Tim texted and said that he and Rachel had been thinking/praying for a month or so, about taking Bailey. The decision would be decided when they found a house.

I was totally shocked and thoroughly excited, when he texted and said, "We will take Bailey!" Wow! I did not need to know God's plan. I was not even aware that Tim and Rachel were contemplating having him join their family. All I knew was that the Lord has been in all of the plans and arrangements about teaching in India. Only ten hours after people specifically prayed about Bailey's health and wisdom for me, my mind was set at ease about my precious pal. Why should I doubt that He would guide me when I asked? Why should I doubt His understanding of the importance of Bailey's future? Why should I doubt...

God knows best and His timing is always perfect. What a miraculous way for the Lord to show me His wisdom, His provisions, His timing. Every time He reveals His plan to me, I am amazed, excited, grateful, and blessed. What a wonderful, loving, wise God we have!

Leave All to Follow

2009-04-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

While reading and studying Matthew 4:18 - 22, I realized how often people who love Jesus are asked to follow. Following Him can mean leaving all behind, like James and John who left their fishing boat AND their father. Or, like Simon (Peter) and Andrew, we leave our jobs and tools to follow Him.

Right now I am in the process of packing and giving Bailey to a retired couple. Emotionally, I have been doing a lot of grieving, which is part of the preparation. This really spoke to me as we don't see their process, just the result of getting up, following, and leaving behind...All four disciples left immediately, apparently without question, and followed Him. Something in the Lord's presence gave them peace and assurance that this was what they were to do. They had no reservations.

I want to go to India. I know that in this experience the Lord will draw closer to me. I am excited when I look ahead. I realize that there will be grief and a time when I will say, "What did I do?!!" But, His presence drives me to go. His peace is even in the grieving. His plan is always exciting when I obey. So, like Simon and Andrew, like James and John, I will get up, look ahead, and follow our loving, wise Lord.

Building Blocks

2009-03-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

I am still focused on how I got to this place in life: moving to India. All of the pieces fit together so beautifully not only in my life but in the lives of those around me.

My daughter is studying anthropology and teaching English as a second language. She wants to go to another country to teach English. It would be perfect for her!
My son and his wife are thriving at school as well as in their stage of life.
My brother's church has many people from India in it and has a great ministry with refugees from all over the world.
My sister's family is growing and growing and growing...another great grandchild on the way.
One niece is completing college and wants to take a semester or year abroad.
Another niece is becoming a grandmother. Ouch! (Where do the years go?)
Two of my nephews have growing families with adorable children.
The church I attend is growing and their ministry is flourishing.

Everything is ready for me to leave - well, except packing and my home selling. God, in all of His wisdom, has everything and everyone in the right place in life, at the right time. His timing is so perfect. Even a year ago, this would not have been possible...but now, right now, it is the right time. Our lives impact so many people and yet God orchestrates them so that events are the right timing for all of us. Isn't it exciting when we are able to look back and see why we had to go through rough times...and then He shows us! What an awesome God we serve!

Ups and Downs

2009-03-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

Life never sits still. It is always going forward no matter what we are doing. Each event builds on top of another. My goal was to read/study Matthew during Lent but I am going so slowly that it may take until July to complete it. But, it isn't a race.

Yesterday I was reading about the wisemen seeing the star and Herod's involvement. Besides the lesson of our actions impacting many, many others, there is the awesome reminder of how God is constantly active in each event in our lives. "God warned them in a dream..." so that they would not go back and tell Herod where Jesus was. I stayed focused on how much He leads us, prepares us, and protects each one of us.

Remember Joseph and his trust in God? "God turned into good what you meant for evil. He brought me...so I could..." Then in Romans, "we know that God causes everything to work together for the good..." And in Psalm 30, "Joy comes in the morning...turned my mourning into joyful dancing..."

Wow! In my life this has been so true! Who would have thought that with all of my mess ups and poor choices that I'd be going so far from home? Each event in my life has made me stronger, more dependent on Him, and has turned into good. God is allowing me to have this fantastic adventure and I know that He has great things in store for me. All I can say is "Thank-You for allowing me to do this!" And thank-you to all who are praying. Thank-You!

Focusing

2009-02-25T03:10:00.000-08:00

This exciting move to India and the condition of my home (sorting and packing) can make the day to day tasks get pushed aside. Teaching is such a passion and the class I have right now is every teacher's dream class. Everyday for every student is so valuable that I need to focus before school, during school, and after school. Routines are difficult for me so keeping everything to a time schedule as far as going home is next to impossible. Yet, to be able to accomplish all that is laid out for me at school, and in my preparations for India, I must use every minute wisely...and here I am at home, sick...

Then I step back and look at every trimester when assessments are finished and report cards have been completed and I see the Lord's hand right there with me. It was as tho' time stopped, words flowed, and it all was completed on time. He has always been faithful and it will be no different now. As Paul states in Philippians 4:6 - 8: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Yes! Focus!!! "But Lord, I need to..." I will fix my thoughts on what is true: don't worry, pray, and tell God what I need. His peace will guard my heart and mind. Yes, now I will sleep.

The Beginning

2009-02-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

As sixty years of age approaches, with little or nothing saved for retirement, I began listening carefully as others shared about their financial investments. Nine months ago a teacher was sharing how two friends of hers were going to teach in Europe. They were going to teach in an international school, the school would pay their rent, and the potential to save would be tremendous. I started investigating international schools and organizations.

After researching, I found an organization who checks out many of the schools. After getting a passport, writing two essays, getting written recommendations, gathering transcripts, my file was placed where international schools could access the information. My first self-test: I took a train to Wisconsin so that I could see if traveling alone would be comfortable. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

My next step was to pray about the location where I could be a benefit to people and a church in the area as well as meet the needs of a first grade class. At first I thought that I'd end up in Germany or The Netherlands because they generally think of religion as an institution rather than a relationship. But, God had a different plan. The Head of School in India contacted me. We emailed back and forth, talked on the phone, and met at a convention in San Francisco, CA.

At this point in my adventure, it is exciting, overwhelming, fantastic and full of a lot of little details. I can already see God's hand in this and that makes me curious as to what is instore.