One Year

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

Last year, I had healed from lung surgery, a serious reaction to medication - six days in the hospital, and healed from an infection that had spread to my blood stream. It was a physically draining time. The decision was made for me to move to San Jose, CA and live with my brother and sister-in-law.  After retiring from teaching and renting out my town home, my belongings were given away or packed up again.  In May, I visited San Jose to see my niece graduate from SJSU and check out the bedroom.  June was my last appointment with my oncologist, family in Washington, church family, and friends.

Those verses from Psalm 40 were how I felt when the decision was made to say good-bye to my life of 30+ years.  After two years of battling cancer, God lifted me up, my feet were steadied.  The solid ground was with Kevin and Luann. 

The change was stressful with a lot of grief. To get to the peace and joy, the grief was necessary.  Now, I can say that where I am and have been is a gift from the Lord. 

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what He has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

He gave me a new song and now I need to take action:  sing.  Sing praises to God for all that He has done.  Trust, TRUST, TRUST!  Our loving Lord is faithful. He listened, heard, and acted. It is fantastic to look back over the past year and see His faithfulness...step after step.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,   
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them. 

 Amen!

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.

Now that You have made me listen, I finally understand —
    You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:

for Your instructions are written on my heart.Psalm 40:1 - 8  NLT

I do have a new song because He is so loving and faithful. 
He knows what is best.
When we know Who is in charge,
we have peace no matter what the circumstances.

Worry for Nothing

As I continue the journey into the past, there have been feelings that I had forgotten.  For one thing the unknown is often worse than when the future becomes the present and then the past.  I forgot how afraid I was about radiation.  It definitely was not as bad as I expected.  Others have had a horrible time because of the location of their cancer.  Mine was not bad.  But isn't our worry usually worse than the actual event?

Don’t worry about your personal belongings,

for the best of all the land of Egypt is yours.’ Gen 45:20  NLT

Belongings are just that:  things.  What could be better than the gifts from our Heavenly Father?

Now don’t worry about a thing, my daughter.

I will do what is necessary,

for everyone in town knows you are a virtuous woman.  Ruth 3:11  NLT

A new situation for Ruth, new country, new life ~ do not worry!

And don’t worry about those donkeys that were lost three days ago,

for they have been found.  I Sam 9:20a  NLT

Often solved before we are even aware of the problem.

“Don’t worry about this Philistine,” David told Saul.

“I’ll go fight him!”

... The Lord who rescued me from the claws of the lion and the bear

will rescue me from this Philistine!”  I Sam 17:32, 37  NLT

Past experience and protection from the Lord showed David that he would be protected.  That has been true in my life:  the Lord teaches me something from His Word in a less serious situation.  Then, He let's me see His work again, in something more difficult.  He has "proven" Himself faithful in everything...EVERYTHING.  That is why there is peace now even tho' everything about my health is unknown.

Be still in the Presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for Him to act.

Don’t worry about evil people who prosper

or fret about their wicked schemes.  Psalm 37:7  NLT

He will answer our needs, give us protection and joy in new situations, find what is lost, rescue us when we follow Him, and HE WILL ACT! Trust HIM.  HIS timing is perfect.  We only see a little and He sees the big picture.

Look and review when and how He has shown you His love and faithfulness.

Visiting the Past

What a new trip I am putting myself on:  going thru my blog from the beginning of 2009. My sister had suggested that my kids might want a copy of my blog.  Well, the last two days have not been very good physically.  Neuropathy has popped its ugly head out. Between the pain in feet, balance issues, weakness in legs, pain in hands, and numbing in spots, I have not done anything except sleep, eat, drink, use the restroom. Tonight I have begun to cut and paste my blog starting when I was planning to teach out of the country.

Reading each entry as I cut and pasted, has really made me relive all of the events:  packing, giving things away, emptying the bottom floor of my town home.  Then there was the excitement of being chosen to teach in India. What an exciting time and one of learning to say good-bye.  With ten days until I would be going overseas, cancer was confirmed. 

I have been so blessed and can see even more ways that the Lord prepared family, friends, and me for the "real journey".  We've practiced saying good-bye, seeing how the Lord was potentially filling in the voids, and experiencing change and the stages of grief.  Each of us, in our own ways, has learned how to accept what comes into our path. 

Tonight, this is going to be short but as the week goes on, I will come back and say more about this process of seeing the Lord's hand in every step.  He is good!

What Do You See? Hear?

When I was living in Kent, I'd sleep with the window open and listen to the springtime birds chirping. It was a great way for me to feel alive, feel joy, and feel energy for a new day.  One morning turned from beautiful sounds to noisy crows.  I got up and looked out the window and saw about a dozen crows begin attacking one crow. That bothered me for a long time, but I then decided that the crow was probably injured.  It was interesting how one crow sat up on the roof and called for other crows to come. Then, together, they "attacked" the lone bird.  I guess that it is all part of the "circle of life".

Now, in sunny San Jose, I can hear and see many interesting birds:  mockingbird, mourning dove, hummingbird, crow, hawk, geese, seagull, and various types of sparrows.  Each one has its own unique sound. It is beautiful and very fascinating to watch them go about their day.  Alone, in pairs, or a small flock, the interactions with other birds, the wind, or insects can be time consuming. Many fictional stories can be written about these encounters. 

Then, just like in Kent, a crow did something that I did not want to see:  he stole an egg from the nest of a mockingbird.  This noisy chasing happened over the course of a few hours. The mockingbird would fly close to the crow like it was playing tag. Then the crow would swoop around and be gone. A while later, the smaller bird would fly by and then you'd see the crow.  After a lively afternoon, the crow flew by with something in its mouth and the mockingbird right behind it, still "yelling" at the thief.

And then you see the wings, large and beautiful. It soars through the air alone or in a flock.  This aggressive bird communicates with others of the same species.  The uncomfortable behavior of this survivor is in its interactions with other creatures.  Is that what God sees when we interact with others?  Does He hear us yelling at a stranger or cursing at a family member?  What does He see when He sees you and me?  What does He hear when He listens to us?

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable,

and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice

but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up,

never loses faith,

is always hopeful,

and endures through every circumstance.

I Corinthians 13:4 - 7  NLT

(If you are reading my blog from outside of the United States, would you please leave me a comment:  where are you, how did you find my blog, what is your situation?  I am just curious.  Thank-you!)



What is Good?

Blood tests were good.  CT Scan showed no change, which is good. (Tumors have remained the same sizes without any growth.)  The visit from my nephew, my great nephew, and my great niece was very good.  Appointment with my oncologist was good as she continues to get my thinking into reality. (Kidney cancer has no cure.  I will not be "healthy" like I want. Target medications that stop the growth of the tumors all have side effects.)  Plus, my brother tries to remind me of reality vs desire.  Both are trying to help me accept where I am.  Grieve what is gone and use the tools and adaptations that will make my life be as productive as I desire.  (Accept - not settle - there is a difference.)

"Good" is a matter of perspective in the same way that "God is good" has a lot to do with our willingness to see Him at work.  We use phrases like "Good News" and "Good Shepherd" and "God saw that it was good" and "every good and perfect gift comes down from God our Father".  How do we know what is "good"?  Micah tells us:

...the Lord has told you what is good,

and this is what He requires of you:

to do what is right,

to love mercy,

and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8  NLT

Our Bible tells us so...we - I - need to pick it up and read it so that we - I - know what is good, where to look for God in our lives - my life, and how to measure good vs evil. 

How do I know what is a "good" attitude when it comes to my health?  As you know, one of my very favorite passages is Philippians 4:8 - 9:  "Fix your thoughts on what is true... honorable...right...pure...lovely...admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."  If I read my Bible everyday, talk to God throughout each day, use mercy as my yardstick for treating others, and discipline my thoughts and actions, it will become clear to me. 

It is true that I have kidney cancer (or that you are single, childless, jobless, at war, far away from home, misunderstood, in pain, etc.).  It is true that there is no cure at the present time.  It is true that my activities are limited by fatigue, neuropathy, breathing.

It is true that I will not be teaching in a classroom again.  It is true that I will be living in San Jose and not in my townhouse again.  It is true...it is true...it is true.  But, it is also true and worthy of praise that God meets me daily.  He loves me.  He has a plan.  He knows the plan.  He guides me.  He has prepared me for this point in my life.  And, most of all it is true that He is good.  "Think on these things" and I will be doing the same.

Tired

My body is so tired today...and yesterday.  It is worn out from all of the fighting of this disease and the affects of the medications - past and present. My son's comment has been, "But you still have a good attitude."  That is 100% the Lord. 

As I looked up the word "tired" in the concordance, Isaiah 35 was listed.  As I began reading it, there seemed to be a lot of hope and encouragement.  This visual passage made me think about Heaven and Maundy Thursday, the Thursday before Easter or the day before Good Friday.  Maundy means commandments (humbly serving His disciples, remember His sacrifice).

Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days.

The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses.
Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers
and singing and joy!
The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon,
as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon.
There the Lord will display His glory,
the splendor of our God.
     With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,
     and encourage those who have weak knees.
Say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, and do not fear,
for your God is coming to destroy your enemies.    (Evil, Cancer, Diseases, Hate, Prejudice, Poverty)
He is coming to save you.”

What hope:  an abundance of flowers, singing, joy. As I looked out into the backyard and saw all of the yellow flowers, pink blossoms on the fruit trees, I thought "Lord, I'd like to see one more year of seasons." And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind
and unplug the ears of the deaf.
The lame will leap like a deer,
and those who cannot speak will sing for joy!
Springs will gush forth in the wilderness,
and streams will water the wasteland.
The parched ground will become a pool,
and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land.
Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish
where desert jackals once lived.

More hope and promises:  healing, springs, streams, pools. Needs will be met and water will be in abundance. Thirst will be satisfied.  WooHoo!

And a great road will go through that once deserted land.
It will be named the Highway of Holiness.
Evil-minded people will never travel on it.
It will be only for those who walk in God’s ways;
fools will never walk there.
Lions will not lurk along its course,
nor any other ferocious beasts.
There will be no other dangers.
Only the redeemed will walk on it.Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.
They will enter Jerusalem singing,
crowned with everlasting joy.
Sorrow and mourning will disappear,
and they will be filled with joy and gladness. 
Isaiah 35:1 - 10  NLT

The Redeemed will walk the Highway of Holiness without fears because we have been ransomed. This brings us back to the events that we celebrate the next four days.  And then, we will be crowned with everlasting - ever - lasting - never ending joy! All of our sorrow and mourning will be gone.  Sounds like Heaven to me. 

I may be physically tired but my relationship with our loving, merciful, compassionate, forgiving Lord is strong...because He strengthens me daily.  Think on these verses and we will come back to them tomorrow.

In Awe

There are times that I turn over in bed or look out the window or look at pictures of creation or look at pictures of smiles, and I am reminded of our loving God. I have a hard enough time taking a picture of beautiful birds and He created them! How did He do that?

For three weeks I was blessed with visiting Renton/Kent, WA, Centralia/Salkum, WA, and Salem, OR.  Many good friends visited and it was a great time with family:  games, laughter, and fantastic discussions. A few of the discussions were about the Lord, the Creator, God. Wow! It was so exciting and I was so in awe of how our Father was working. He does answer our prayers whether it be for others, doors opening, or ourselves...and it doesn't get old. Joy comes every time I see Him at work in others. 

One of the times of joy was when Tim and Rachel drove me to the airport to fly home. We tried to say Bible verses that we knew. It was so exciting to see that they had many verses memorized! The Lord allowed me to see that they do have a Biblical connection. He is definitely preparing me to rest and be at peace. My adult kids will be fine no matter what His timing will be.  I am in awe of His personal relationship with each of us.

       God’s way is perfect.

            All the Lord’s promises prove true.

            He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.

       For who is God except the Lord?

            Who but our God is a solid rock?

                                                                                                      

                                                                       Psalm 18:30 - 31  NLT