Deal with It!

It has been two and 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with breast and then kidney cancers. At the time, I listened to options, changed my plans about teaching in India, and went ahead with two surgeries (lumpectomy, kidney removal).  I pushed ahead "like a good camper". 

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I got emotional over chemo, its effects, radiation, another surgery, etc, etc, etc. I have this awful sense of survival, meaning push ahead, stay strong, deal with it, all will be fine. It is easy to skip the processing and grieving of what was lost.  Last Monday, I even heard myself say, "But I still don't know why not India." Grief is like peeling an onion, a layer at a time. But, I'd like to suggest that you start allowing feelings to come in (or out) at the beginning.  If you are like me, you always have another set of ears at each appointment. So, then, take time for the word "cancer" (or "divorce" or "foreclosure") to soak in...hear it...say it...feel it. Your friend will hear and write down the details so that you can be objective about treatments.

Someone once told me that if they started to cry, they may never stop. We will. You will. I will. That is where faith, hope, and trust come into the process. The Lord doesn't say life will be rosy if you are a Christian.  He does not say that you do not need to grieve.  He did not say crying means that we have no faith. Jesus cried and felt anger:

When Mary arrived and saw Jesus,

she fell at his feet and said,

“Lord, if only you had been here,

my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping and
saw the other people wailing with her,

a deep anger welled up within him,

and he was deeply troubled.

“Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.”

Then Jesus wept. 

The people who were standing nearby said,

“See how much he loved him!”

But some said, “This man healed a blind man.

Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb,

a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance.

“Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them. But...

John 11:32  -  39 NLT

If Jesus, our Lord, felt emotions (love, joy sadness, anger) then we can too. Do not just "deal with it".  Feel it, again and again and again.  That is how we heal.

Watch Out, Wind Ahead

While sitting and reflecting about my relationship with God this week, a little green hummingbird flew by testing the few flowers that were in the yard. Winds were gusting, grey clouds were in the sky, and the rain was coming. Yet, this tiny bird was still doing its job: gathering nourishment.

In western Washington, snow, ice, freezing rain, and wind have taken their toll this week. In San Jose and the Bay area, rain and wind are going to be pelting us for a few days. This storm system has left people without electricity and flooded several areas. But, many people up north went to work if they were able to get out of their neighborhoods. For those stuck in their houses, they still did their job of nourishing their children and themselves.  Some helped shovel cars out of the snow and others helped sandbag around homes and businesses.  Those who were able brought warm meals to elderly people.

When other types of storms come into our lives, we can remain safe...strong...secure. Yesterday and today, my body has been weak, but, for one hour last night, I was able to go walk in the mall. It was a little walk but it was still exercise for me. Yesterday was a good day!  Why? Because I received a gift from God that evening. I love His touch. I love seeing His presence.  I love hearing Him in nature.  The energy, the hummingbird, the rain on the window are all signs of His love.

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise,

like a person who builds a house on solid rock. 

Though the rain comes in torrents

and the floodwaters rise

and the winds beat against that house,

it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.

Matthew 7:24 - 25  NLT

Your home won't collapse, if it is built on bedrock, a strong foundation.

Tunnels on the Path

Do you know what "spelunking" is? The past few days I have been making a book of my pictures of paths, stairs, and tunnels. While looking up sites about tunnels, the word "spelunking" came up so I googled it. It is a term used for cave explorations. That seemed interesting and yet frightening: going down into the unknown darkness.



Sometimes our daily life feels like we are going into unknown places without a guide, without light. This week there have been several prayer requests for people at the end of their lives or those facing horrendous challenges. One thread that seemed to connect them was the need for strength, comfort, wisdom, peace, timing, and salvation. They are in a tunnel, cold, dark, unknown and needing light. And, this immovable tunnel is right on their path.

A young mother can be at home with a screaming baby or child and feel like she is being pushed beyond her endurance. As she gets closer to the edge of the tunnel, she stops and calls for help.

A baby is born prematurely and must stay in the hospital's incubator when his mother goes home. The whole family stops and calls for people to pray.

An elderly man has been told that there is nothing left to be done for him. Respite care is called in to help. Some of the family is out of state and wanting to see their father one more time.  The church is called and the prayer chain is called into action.

In the cold, dark, unknown tunnels in life there is an end. When we enter the tunnel, we may not be able to see what is ahead, but we do know our Guide. We may not like what is inside the dark situation, but we do know our Counselor. We may not be able to change the situation, but we do know our loving Shepherd. There will be cracks in the tunnel where light breaks thru, even if just for a minute: trust.  It is called "TRUST".

The LORD is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to His name.

Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for You are close beside me.

Your rod and Your staff

protect and comfort me.

Psalm 23:1 - 4 NLT

My Shelter

But as for me, how good it is to be near God!

I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,

and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.
Psalm 73:28  NLT

The last two days have been difficult for me.  I have had no energy today and one or two hours yesterday.  My poor body has no reserve so when it is fighting a stye or cold or anything, that is all it can do.  I spend most of the time sleeping except for times on the computer or my cell phone. 

As I'm going to sleep, I do pray which is a blessing to me.  Two urgent prayer needs today were a premature baby whose heart rate dropped.  Then a man in his 70s has blood cancer and began chemo.  The list is long for other needs.  Military needs as several of my friends have children in the service right now. Those young men and women who have served in war zones need prayer too as they are physically or emotionally wounded.  One lady from our church and another friend have regular transfusions which means they are fatigued before going to get the transfusion.  My step-mother's 97 year old sister passed away.  A friend's husband has ALS and it is beginning to slow down his daily routines.  Then there are my children and their personal needs, as well as other family members (and caretakers). On and on and on.  I am so thankful and blessed for this time to spend in prayer. 

Tonight, as I go to sleep, I will be praying for many people.  The Lord will wrap His loving arms around me, be present as I pray and fall asleep.  Thoughts of Heaven will surround me as I drift off to sleep.  He is so real, so loving, so compassionate, sovereign, and wise.

 

Stronger

For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.

Do you judge how you are doing by looking at the year, month, week, day, hour, or minute? At this point in life, I must break it down to smaller units. Today the morning was rough and I could accomplish very little. I did stay up for four hours at the computer, about one and a 1/2 hours on my bed, sorted some clothes, took a shower, made an easy meal, and am now on the computer again. Was today a good day?
Breaking down my day to smaller units, I would definitely say this evening has been a very good time - not the whole day - this evening. When I start to get discouraged at what I can't do, I will break down the day into hours and minutes. I will focus on His promises and my relationship with the Lord.

“Be strong and courageous,

for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land

I swore to their ancestors I would give them.

Be strong and very courageous.

Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you.

Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left.

Then you will be successful in everything you do.

Study this Book of Instruction continually.

Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it.

Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.

This is my command—be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid or discouraged.

For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:5b - 9 NLT

The only thing that I need to do is take each day minute by minute and hour by hour. God is with me and wants me to be strong, be courageous, and listen to what He has said and is saying. How are you evaluating your life and what are you doing with your time?

Can You Believe?

Can you believe that it is 2012? It doesn't seem like it was 12 years ago that the KY2 scare had everyone talking. Wow! That went fast.

Can you believe that it is time to make new resolutions? I do not usually make new year's resolutions because I like to reflect and adjust regularly. I don't wait for the new year.  With cancer, it is easy to reevaluate life, goals, and priorities frequently.

This week has been an odd week for me because I'm winding down from our LA trip. While going to sleep I think of a list of things to do tomorrow...yea, right!  Later, waking up is hard.  And then, reality kicks in:  little energy.  Thankfully my mind is strong.  So, I review my "bucket list" which we all need whether we have a disease or not.  My conclusion is that family, friends, and my relationship with the Lord are my priorities.  How I accomplish those priorities is what can take a different turn.  Travels and experiences and accomplishments can happen but the focus is the Lord, my kids & extended family, and friends. 

To help me live in reality, I have been reading American Cancer Society's articles on RCC and will read the Cancer Center information too.  I have read about the medication that I am taking and keep checking to see if there is anything new too.  But, when all information is studied, it comes back to "I am an individual" and God knows the plan.  The next question is "Can you believe that God has everything in control?"  Does He?

We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

In Him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in His Holy name.

Psalm 33:20 - 21  NLT