God is Good

After accepting that negative feelings are part of being human, I have moved forward. The past two days I have gone back to looking at the "half full glass". (Mine is really quite full!) Here is a list of the events and places I have experienced:

. Traveled to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, Columbia as a Campfire Girl - cruise ship

Flown to South Carolina to see my son graduate Boot Camp

Traveled many times by car to Wisconsin and Minnesota

Traveled by train from Seattle to St Paul, MN

Took a road trip with my siblings, two nieces, and a great niece

Have been to the Grand Canyon

Have been to Disneyland

Went to Florida as an evaluator of several schools

Lived in Minneapolis, Seattle, Kent, Eden, ID, and San Jose

Camped in most of western WA state parks

Explored southwestern WA, Oregon coast, Leavenworth, Victoria, Vancouver, Las Vegas,San Antonio, San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco

Have been to 16 states and three countries

There is beauty in all places. As a child while traveling through Montana, Dad would point out the beauty all around us. As a child, it felt like a long, boring state. As an adult I found beauty of all kinds. Perspective! There will always be activities that we won't be able to do and places we cannot go. But, in life, we change expectations and activities according to the "I Cans". For me, the world of birds has broadened and I don't want that to stop.

Psalm 116:1, 5, 6 (NLT) I love the Lord because he hears my voice... How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours!

Back to the Onion

Everyday can bring so many new thoughts and experiences for each of us. It could be the seasonal changes, a new awareness in your neighborhood, an event mentioned in the news, or a photograph.

One lady on Facebook has been posting beautiful pictures of colorful things. Sometimes it is a display of colored cups or a mosaic sidewalk with beautiful colors or a building of multiple colors. Several ideas for photographs came flooding into my consciousness. I'd like to try some of those...do you know how much energy it takes to use a camera? Well, let me just say it was't happenin' anytime soon.

Three years ago a friend and I climbed up the path of Beacon Rock in southwestern Washington. It was beautiful!!! We had so much fun. Looking at a picture that she took of me with a beautiful view as the background I realized that I won't be doing that again. Another layer of awareness and acceptance is falling off my onion. At first it made me sad until I thought about my brother's sermon last week. It was about resisting God's plan in our lives. It is a constant part of being human.

Usually I jump to the positive within a very short time. This month it is taking me longer. The other day, while waiting for my laptop to do what I wanted, I became very irritated. I mentioned this to Kevin and said that I don't know where my resistance is but I have very little patience left. So, we talked about my emotions. I don't like to be negative, impatient, or grumpy. That's not me - or at least who I perceive myself to be. It's a struggle for me to accept that those feelings are ok. I know that they are ok for others, but not for me! Hah! So, I have been resisting the emotions that I feel. It probably takes more energy to fight these emotions rather than acknowledge them and work through them.

Do you feel like you block your own feelings or do you feel like you react to things but can't understand why your words just hurt someone? Your intentions were pure. Or we're they? Maybe you have your emotions figured out but are resisting something else that is part of aphis plan. Look at it through your "glasses of faith" and see if you can trust. My goal is going to be to listen to my emotions, accept that I am human, and work through them. What is your goal?

Listen

Mockingbirds can be noisy birds but I never tire of hearing them.  Their songs vary and are quite interesting.  There is a family of at least three that visit the trees in the backyard. It is fun to pretend what they are saying to each other.  The conversation can be fifteen minutes long. 

Listening to these intriguing conversations made me think about what God hears in our conversations.  Does He listen to noise or beautiful sounds?  Does He like what He hears or is it clutter?  Like a "mocking"bird, do we repeat negative words or do we choose positive, kind words? We choose what sounds or words come out of our mouths.  I do not know how much thought goes into the sounds a bird copies but we are gifted with guides and a brain. 

 

When I am falling asleep at night, I try to have my last thoughts be praise and prayer needs for others. Occassionally, a quick thought or inappropriate word flashes and I quickly ask for forgiveness.  I used to say, "Lord, did You hear that?  Where did that come from?"  Then, I stopped saying that because He naturally can hear it and I really don't want Him to hear inappropriate, negative words.  He is Holy!  So, now I immediately ask for forgiveness. 

 Indeed, we all make many mistakes.

For if we could control our tongues,

we would be perfect and

could also control ourselves in every other way. 

We can make a large horse go wherever we want

by means of a small bit in its mouth.

And a small rudder

makes a huge ship turn

wherever the pilot chooses to go,

even though the winds are strong.

In the same way,

the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.

And the tongue is a flame of fire.

People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish,

but no one can tame the tongue.

Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father,

and sometimes it curses those who have been made

in the image of God.

And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.

Surely, my brothers and sisters,

this is not right! 

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure

...peace loving, gentle at all times...

willing to yield to others...mercy.       

James 3:2 - 6a, 7 - 10, 17  NLT

I love these verses because they are so visual, but the part that I remember is the wisdom that says we praise and curse with the same tongue.  One of my nieces wrote a paper for a college class about cause and effect, specifically about the earthquake in Japan.  It was impressive to see how her prayer life and God's Presence just flowed through her words.  God must have been smiling at what He was hearing.  Just like the beauty of the mockingbird's song, this young lady talked about the fear of waiting to hear from her friend who lives in Japan. Prayer was her choice.  I will copy the sweet sounds of the life around me.

Peeling My Onion

The analogy of an onion being like grief is very visual to me.  At one point last week, I wanted to write about how big or thick my onion must be - it has so many layers to peel.  But, don't we all?  In the past three years I have learned so much about myself, family, friends, letting go, and acceptance. 

It has almost been one year since I said "good-bye" to teaching, my town home, the church where I had attended, my medical team, and all that was familiar to me.  I had stopped driving during the first two years of this tug-of-war with cancer.  Playing the piano, writing, and drawing were difficult because of neuropathy in my fingers (from chemo).  Living alone was not happening anymore.

Then, in the fall, the cane came into my life.  It has been a great tool for me as my balance is not good.  For about a month or six weeks, I have hardly left the house due to fatigue or weakness.  How ridiculous!  There are tools for that!  After pealing more of the layers from the onion, it became a necessary decision to get a walker, wheelchair, or scooter.  Friends were able to offer their suggestions and explained their thinking.  It was very helpful. 

Like my cane, I chose a "fancy" walker because I plan on using it a few years.  It has a seat, brakes, cup holder, and bags for carry-a-longs.  There is even a spot for my cane.  Kevin is so giving and careful to prevent a fall that he has gone on walks with me.  (He says that I still need a walking buddy to make sure that I am steady with it.  Then I can take it out around the neighborhood alone.)  After grieving the loss of specific freedoms, I am now very excited about my walker.

We peel one layer off the onion, tears come, we accept it, and move forward.  Another change or loss and we peel another layer off of the onion, tears come, we examine it, accept it, and move forward.  Whether the change is in moving, a new job, physical limitations, a new stage in life, or loss of a loved one, God is there, helping us peel the layer from the onion, holding or steadying us through the tears, and showing the joy on the other side of acceptance. 

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?

Since He did not spare even his own Son but gave Him up for us all,

won’t He also give us everything else? 

Romans 8:31 - 32  NLT

Our view of "everything else" might have to change some but He is God, Almighty, and Love.  Now, for me, my goal is to play the piano everyday.  It takes energy!  I can play at an easier level for 15 minutes and it is a delight!  Peel the layer, grieve, accept, change expectations, and mover forward.  What will you do to move forward?

Live Like That

There is a group, Sidewalk Prophets, who sings "I Want to Live Like That". It is a very powerful song and this weekend was like that for me. We had house guests for the weekend who are bright lights for the Lord. A single lady and her 19 year old daughter. They have so much joy, and are the type of people who energize others.

Desiree adopted Uminda from an orphanage in Uzbekistan for children with physical impairments. Uminda is was a triathlon in the para-Olympics but injured her back before the 2008 Olympics in China. Now she is trying for London in swimming. Her Mom found out that she has MS just a few years ago. The exciting part of spending time with them is hearing how the Lord has been working in their lives. They are both down to earth ladies and so comfortable to be with them.

Someone asked Desiree how she copes with the disappointments while in Uzbekistan or here in the US. Her answer was one that I have said, "I know that I am where I am supposed to be." That is what the Sidewalk Prophets sing: Live Like That, knowing that you are where God wants you to be. If we live like that, we know that all details are worked out because HE is with us. It does not mean that the journey will continue in the same direction we plan but each dip in the road we know Who is in control.

You know what I am going to say
Even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place Your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
Too great for me to understand!
Psalm 139:1 - 4

Emotions

This afternoon has been an interesting, emotional roller coaster. After about ten days of dealing with a sinus infection, I am on the mend. WooHoo! (It really knocked me out.)

The day for me started with reading part of the first chapter of Philemon. Paul is writing to Philemon about how thankful he is for his love, generosity, and knowledge of Jesus and His people. It made me think about how connected our knowledge and experiences are tied to our relationship to the Lord, which is connected to prayer, Bible reading, and worship.

When sick, I do not always read my Bible, worship, or spend a lot of time in prayer. I sleep. So, getting back in a routine is exciting to me. My mind went to the generosity of friends while living in Kent. One of my dear friends gave me a book with statements about cancer and all of the emotions. When You Need to Know Your Strength by Melvina Young. On one of her entries was the following statement:

Standing at this threshold is scary
Because you don't know
What's behind the door.
But the people who love you
Are ready to take your hand
And walk through with you,
Whenever you are ready.

I could see my loyal friends helping me with everything. Yes, everything! (So did family but I am focusing on my friends in this post.) They were going to walk every step of this journey with me, but I moved to California. I just realized that it probably felt like I had abandoned them! Wow! But, what I see in their lives is God thanking them and blessing them for the two plus years my health often dictated their lives. Three of my friends have become grandparents. One has a renewed friendship with her sisters, daughter, and grandchildren. All have been given a new safety group for Bible study. These are joys because they selfishly, lovingly, and generously obeyed Him. I knew that this peaceful home I've been given is a gift from God, but He allowed me to see that each person in this journey has also received His gifts.

I always thank my God when I pray for you, Philemon,
because I keep hearing about your faith in the Lord Jesus
and your love for all of God's people.

One Year

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

Last year, I had healed from lung surgery, a serious reaction to medication - six days in the hospital, and healed from an infection that had spread to my blood stream. It was a physically draining time. The decision was made for me to move to San Jose, CA and live with my brother and sister-in-law.  After retiring from teaching and renting out my town home, my belongings were given away or packed up again.  In May, I visited San Jose to see my niece graduate from SJSU and check out the bedroom.  June was my last appointment with my oncologist, family in Washington, church family, and friends.

Those verses from Psalm 40 were how I felt when the decision was made to say good-bye to my life of 30+ years.  After two years of battling cancer, God lifted me up, my feet were steadied.  The solid ground was with Kevin and Luann. 

The change was stressful with a lot of grief. To get to the peace and joy, the grief was necessary.  Now, I can say that where I am and have been is a gift from the Lord. 

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what He has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

He gave me a new song and now I need to take action:  sing.  Sing praises to God for all that He has done.  Trust, TRUST, TRUST!  Our loving Lord is faithful. He listened, heard, and acted. It is fantastic to look back over the past year and see His faithfulness...step after step.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,   
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them. 

 Amen!

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.

Now that You have made me listen, I finally understand —
    You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:

for Your instructions are written on my heart.Psalm 40:1 - 8  NLT

I do have a new song because He is so loving and faithful. 
He knows what is best.
When we know Who is in charge,
we have peace no matter what the circumstances.