Get Up, the Sun is Shining!

Last night I was able to focus on my grief over the loss of teaching and going to India. To get myself going again, I turn to what I know to be the truth: great friends, supportive children who know the Lord, and a Lord Who loves me. When feeling sad or overwhelmed, I give myself permission to feel down for a reasonable amount of time. Then I do what helps me look past myself.

I have surrounded myself with things that I enjoy doing and outlets of creativity. Last spring my colleagues told me the titles of their favorite books and they are now sitting on the windowsill. To prepare for India I downloaded my favorite music onto my IPod which is sitting near my bed. My scrapbooking supplies are organized in the plastic drawers that were to be shipped to me. Favorite puzzles are ready for me to put together. My camera is close by so that when people visit I can have a visual to scrapbook of this journey. My laptop has enough memory to hold my photos and they have all been backed up on CDs so that I can print them when I feel creative. Scrapbooks were completed of trips, friends, and family members so that I would have them when I felt homesick or lonely: the beauty of Washington, people whom I love, and funny times with friends and family. And, my Bailey dog comes to visit me regularly. All that I had done to organize my trip to India is helping me get up with a positive attitude.

The most important part of moving forward for me is my faith. My Bible is right next to me at all times. I find encouragement, understanding, hope, and joy inside its covers. And, I definitely have time for prayer. It is also a source of strength and it makes me look past myself to others.

My very, very close friend died of breast cancer twenty years ago. When she was no longer able to get out of bed, she asked me why she was still alive. What was her purpose? What could she do and what was the point of her being alive? I remember telling her that the Lord has her alive for at least two reasons: her husband and children needed to be ready to let her go, and she could pray for others...and obviously to show me how to go down this road with joy. I am now finding comfort in those words.

Medicine has come a long way in curing breast cancer so I am not as ill as Maxine was. Her cancer went into her bones and then into her brain. Chemo will make me fatigued and lately my migraines have kept me in bed but I do not have the pain that she had. So, I have been able to use some of my time praying. My medicine is music, laughter, games, prayer, reading, and being with family and friends. (Food still looks like it is a main source of comfort too.) Disciplining my thoughts, taking each day one step at a time, and remembering Who is with me all help me get up after a time of grieving to see the sun shining around me. Never worry when I need to take time to be sad. I have the right medicine to be lifted up.

Distractions Gone

The wedding is over. Both of my surgeries are done and I have healed. My home is getting put back together. Everyone is at home for now. A website has been set up for my needs once chemo begins. And I am able to catch up on thank-you notes and labeling pictures on my laptop.

The Lord has my attention and I am listening. Two events have been going through my mind as I continue grieving in a deeper way: the beginning of school and teaching in India. Teaching has always been a creative outlet for me, full of relationships. India was to be a huge adventure that I would be doing by myself. Both are and were avenues of spiritual growth. Constantly in the classroom the Lord would allow me to touch students in ways that were beyond my own talents. It was evident that He was working through me. Obviously in India I would have been depending on Him for emotional strength, loneliness, and guidance.

Instead of needing Him in the classroom and in a distant country, I need the Lord to hold my hand through this journey. I have been reading about, and more importantly, talking with people who have been on this road. It can be overwhelming to think about: what will chemo feel like, how will my body react, what will I be able to do during those months, what will food taste like, which smells will bother me, will radiation hurt, will my hair start to grow back only to fall out again, can I really ask people to do all of the daily things for me, etc, etc, etc. It is definitely necessary for me to go one step at a time.

It can and will all be a rich experience for me, full of many blessings and miracles. But, tonight, I am going to allow myself the time to grieve as I know Who is with me. My Bible is right beside me full of encouragement and truths...but for now, I am going to grieve teaching and India. Don't worry, I will not stay in this space for long...just for tonight.

Hope

I have been reading the Old Testament book of Job as he was hit with more tragedy than I have been. Each day that I read there is always something for me to grab and think about. At one point this man of faith believed that God was destroying the people, animals, and possessions in his life and then attacked his health. He had forgotten Who God was and how much He loved him. It made me realize that our beliefs either make us hopeless or full of hope.

We have the advantage of reading why these things were happening to him: God gave Satan permission to test Job's faith in God. God allows bad things but doesn't cause them. If we believe that God is doing these things to us, then where is hope? What a depressing thought! How can you fight God's power? That is why Job became very depressed too. He didn't understand why God was doing all of these things to him when they had had a good relationship.

Hope comes from knowing Who God is and understanding His love for me. He has always been faithful to me no matter what is happening in my life. This is no different. God did not give me cancer; it is a disease that many of us have to fight. My hope is knowing that my loving Lord is going on this journey with me. My hope is knowing that He has been on this journey with me since July. My hope is knowing that almost everything that I did to prepare to go to India, is helping me on this journey too. Why? Because God knew that I was not going: my house didn't get on the market, the junk in my home is gone, my car didn't sell, repairs and painting have made my home a beautiful place to be, my job at school was filled at the end of the year, and church responsibilities were filled by others. He knew. I didn't. He knew. All has fallen into place. Hope? Yes! Hope is knowing that He didn't give me cancer but He will hold my hand every moment.

Before, After, and Above

O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Psalm 139:1 - 6 NLT

Where does peace come from during a life struggle? Going to India - no. Stay in townhome - yes. Contract reinstated - yes! Surgery - yes. Got all the cancer - yes. Surgery - yes. Got all of the cancer - yes. Healing - yes. Chemo - yes. Radiation - yes. More chemo - yes. Look at all of the "yes" answers. I had one NO but look at all of the positive answers. If I focus on India I miss the great things that are happening around me. Looking at Chemo and Radiation can be a little frightening. But, God is going before me and behind me. What could be better? Then, He has His hand on my head. That is very personal and encouraging. I will not be alone while having and reacting to chemo. I will not be alone while receiving radiation. I will not be alone...I am not alone. This is wonderful and beyond my understanding but it produces peace.

One Step at a Time

Two and a half years of chemo and six weeks of radiation are ahead of me. So far, I have been able to look at what lies just ahead instead of two steps down the road. That has helped me emotionally as well as physically but it takes discipline. Chemo is the next step. Yet my mind is jumping to radiation. Why? Fear of the unknown. I have not spoken to anyone who had radiation and so I've been reading about it...It sounds painful.

For chemo, the part that would bother me the most is nausea. Whenever I have been nauseated in the past, I would lie as still as possible so that I wouldn't throw up. I was frozen and would just wait until it passed. Truly, what a big baby! So, when discussing the side effects with my oncologist, he said that there are two known side effects for sure from the chemo: loss of hair and fatigue. He said that nausea is not really a problem because of good medications nowadays. I can deal with the loss of hair and hopefully the fatigue is also tolerable.

Next my mind has jumped ahead to radiation. I began to read about it: procedures and side effects. The thought of it is frightening! I had to put the book away and discipline myself to focus on healing, building my strength, drinking plenty of water, and chemo. I have had to force myself to look only at the next step, chemo.

Remember Philippians 4:6 - 7, "Don't worry...Pray...Tell God what you need...Thank Him...His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Then in verses 8 - 9, "...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable..." I can do that. There are so many good things to think about and so many good things that God has done for me. I can do this! One step at a time...The summer is somewhat of a blur due to the shock of a change of plans and the surgeries. The present is full of joy due to the Kent teachers strike about to end and the wedding of my niece this week. The future is in God's hands and so I will obey: don't worry, pray, and discipline my thoughts. I can do this with His help. I can do this as He has given me the keys! I can do this!

Shattered Dreams

While scrapbooking my new adventure, I realized that my world had turned upside down 16 days before I was to go to India. I had not realized that the whirlwind hit down that close to departure. Planning had taken 14 months and the turn around was only sixteen days. No wonder I can't remember most details of those two weeks.

Plans do not always turn into reality. What I thought was God's plan for the next two years of my life was not the destination He had in mind. Just like Jonah being swallowed by the large fish or me twirling around in the middle of the currents, we are never alone. Once inside the fish, Jonah must have been disoriented or confused: dark, strange surroundings, senses trying to sort out the new smells, sights, textures, and then the realization of confinement. All of this happened within a few short minutes. All God was telling Jonah was to listen and turn around.

The whirlwind lifted and spun me around. I became disoriented, nauseous, and confused...shocked...disappointed...in disbelief. The speed of the whirlwind was unbelievable. Sixteen days and I would be in India! The force of the wind had picked me up and planted me in a totally different direction, away from India. Yet God was telling me to hold on to Him and watch each event carefully. He reminded me of His unconditional love, His supreme wisdom, and His constant presence. He was with me so I was not alone in the storm.

Two months later, two surgeries later, the wind has calmed, the shock is over, and I am on solid ground. The direction of my life has changed and I am ready to proceed. There is darkness, medical surroundings, new sights, sounds, smells, and confinement. A lot of life is out of my control so I stand up when the wind sets me down. When I am hit by another whirlwind, I wait for it to settle, see where I am, get up and go forward...with my loving Lord holding and sometimes carrying me.

Naked

Mammogram and colonoscopy done. Second mammogram, ultrasound, and needle biopsy checked off. Lumpectomy and lymphnode removal completed. Brain MRI, CT/PET Scan, MUGA (heart) results back. EKG. Kidney removed. Primary doctor, breast surgeon, oncologist, oncologist's partner, kidney surgeon, nurses, teams in operating rooms, technicians...all know more about me than I knew. Thoroughly examined and physically naked.

While healing at home, many dear friends and family have met my every need. They have been able to monitor my liquid intake, food intake, number of hours in bed, showers, and lack of activity. Each has sacrificed greatly for me and there is very little about me that they do not know.

As I have been getting stronger, being laid open before others has begun to feel uncomfortable. Not that I tried to hide anything from my friends but we all have things we don't like about ourselves that are often invisible to others. Like the junk drawer of our homes, we have junk drawers in our lives. Stuffed in my junk drawer are traits, habits, behaviors that I do not like about myself.

The Lord knows all about my junk drawer. It is opened regularly for Him to examine. I willingly have given Him the key. The ideal relationship with God is nakedness, pure intimacy. People were created naked: Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 NLT Because He is trustworthy and loves unconditionally, I can be 100% open with Him. But now people have been allowed to see my junk drawer and it no longer can be closed. I could start another junk drawer where they do not have the key but is that the way I should live?

While pondering this feeling of nakedness, my junk drawer accessed, lack of privacy, it dawned on me that this still is not the innermost part of me. My lack of self-discipline, ability to be comfortable in sweats, desire to stay home rather than go out, personal filing style (or piling), etc, etc, etc are visible to others. But there are still thoughts and feelings that I can choose to share or keep private. But reality is that this process has been very valuable to make me a more open person and the person that God wants me to be.

I must go to my Source of strength to feel loved and okay:

For the word of God is alive and powerful.

It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword,

cutting between soul and spirit,

between joint and marrow.

It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God.

Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes,

and He is the one to whom we are accountable.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven,

Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses,

for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

There we will receive His mercy,

and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:12 - 16 NLT

My junk drawer is open. I am naked before my friends and family. And, yet, I can come boldly to God, receive mercy for laziness, and grace for my short comings. He loves me and shows me that this is how we all should live: naked. I will try to keep my junk drawer open and have less in it. Great lesson for me!