Blessings

Last night a friend asked me about the blessings that the Lord is giving me. She knows that with trials, there are always blessings. I fell asleep thinking about His blessings and His touch.  Our loving Lord has blessed me throughout my life in many, many ways:  family, friendships, finances, faith.

San Jose has been my home for four months.  It is amazing to me that I feel like I have transitioned to this as home.  When I left Kent, I left my teaching (a true love of mine), close friends, my comfortable townhome (which was "me" and held memories), my sister & nieces, visitations from Bailey, colleagues, and Kent Covenant Church.  Kent had been home for the last 16 years and the Pacific NW had been my home most of my life.

I have been blessed with a loving family here:  brother, sister-in-law, niece.  The church family here has welcomed me and supports me.  The women's Bible study continues to lead me in new spiritual areas of growth.  Sunshine. Kevin's wisdom has helped me see the physical changes in me and to see reality.  My kids have visited.  Another sister-in-law blessed me with a visit.  And, Maggie, their yellow lab, is a great companion.  The transition has been smoother and more complete than I ever expected or thought was possible.

The Lord is awesome:  personal, loving, strengthening, compassionate, understanding, and a guide.  The balloon floated by to say "Get Well".  We drove to San Francisco on a beautiful, clear, and sunny day.  The birds sing everyday and are very visible.  We each worship God in our own ways and together.  I have been blessed!

Worth the Risk?

When you receive a new medication, you also get a list of the side effects. Does it make you wonder if the chance is worth it?  In the past two years I have had negative reactions to at least six medications.  The two most serious were Neurontin - rash that stayed for months, and Sutant - a stroke like reaction that ended with me in the hospital for six days. Then there are all of the medications that cause fatigue. Dislike, dislike, dislike...but one of them is keeping the cancer growth at bay.

The drug companies have to, by law, tell us the possible side effects but the worst one, Sutant, wasn't even known.  Do those warnings make you stop and think before taking them or do you ignore them? Do you live like the teenagers, "It will not happen to me" or, do you weigh the good against the potential side effects?

For me, I have even taken one step farther: the doctor says I should continue taking a certain medication based on numbers of tests. My oncologist had a different view as she is focused on the quality of my life and battling cancer. I have to investigate on my own and weigh the pros and cons. What is the appropriate choice for me?  For my family?

I think that we do this in faith too.  God tells us what the consequences of sin are but we either ignore what He says or don't read it.  Sometimes we even say that He will protect us or show us that our choice is wrong if He doesn't want us to go down that path. But, He already has told us! We have the responsibility to read His Word, study what He has said, and obey...or do we say, "This choice is worth the consequences" or "I don't believe that."

For me, the one thing that I must live by is that there is one God.  HE is to be number one in my life.  Once I got to that point in my life, choices became easier and there was peace. Because:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

Psalm 139:13 - 17  NLT

Thank-You for Your love and guidance, Lord. I will use the abilities You gave me to carefully make choices with my health. 

HE is LORD

The past week has been quite an unusual few days for me.  Saturday, Kevin, Luann, and Ashley took me to "the City" (that is San Francisco). We rented a wheelchair and drove in the beautiful sunshine. Above the Cliff House Restaurant, there is a park called Lands End Trail. The trail starts off with a paved path and then becomes a dirt trail. Off from the main trail are stairs leading to other areas of the park. The trail has a gorgeous view of the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge, sail boats, rocks, tug boats, barges, cypress trees, and even a few boats with motors. 

This was my first outing in a wheelchair. It was fine as I was not self-conscience at all. If anyone looked at me I'd smile or say "thank-you" when they scooted over so Kev to push me past them. I truly thought that it was going to be uncomfortable but I wanted to go with them into San Francisco and I am not strong enough to walk on the trails. My desire to go out weighed my disappointment in being weak...and I was not disappointed!

Everything was so breath-taking! One has to think about Who created all of this beauty when looking into bay. Awesome!

Then came two days of no energy at all.  I slept twelve hours Saturday night and Monday I slept most of the day.  It can be discouraging but I have stopped trying to figure out the causes. If I go down that road I can come to conclusions that do not match reality: the cancer is spreading, one of the drugs must be causing it, my kidney is giving out, etc., etc., etc. None of that does any good. 

Then, I read chapter three of Out of the Salt Shaker...by Rebecca Manley Pippert, "Jesus - Lord of All." Fantastic chapter on why we give Him control of our lives:

"Besides the fact that He deserves it because of Who He is,

He knows He is the only one in the universe

who can control us without destroying us...

He will make sense out of your brokenness...

The great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us,

He makes us more ourselves than ever before."  (p 54)

The whole chapter spoke to me. He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The Lord of all is not concerned about me walking or being in a wheelchair. He is looking at me, who I am, not my new limitations, not what I can do or cannot do. So, walking on my own, using a cane, using a wheelchair, does not truly change who I am.  Day with some energy or day without any energy does not truly change who I am.

Funny thing is that I had this lesson when I was bald and again when my hair grew in very thin. His control gives me gentle, little steps that build on one another. Inward appearance, not outward. Use the tools (hats, wigs, hair cream, cane, shower bench, wheelchair). These steps in my life have purpose but of most importance is that they are with the Lord of all in control.  Again, it leads to peace.

Use the Tools

My week has gone from walking 20 minutes a day to having no energy at all.  The church retreat did not happen for me. Normal activities have been a struggle.  Friends and family have been trying for a long time to get me to use a walker, wheelchair, and/or cane.  I also was using a shower bench in Kent but wanted to push myself in my new home.  But, was I?  No, I just did things that did not take much energy. 

We are so blessed to have easy access to the Bible.  Because of that, I keep telling myself that for me to have cancer, it had to go through God's hands.  He didn't cause it but satan cannot touch us unless God allows him to.  (Remember Job 1.)  Keeping that in mind, I know that God is with me in this cancer journey.  He loves me, guides me, strengthens me, encourages me, and is present with me.  That is peace!

So, then, why do I say "no" to things that will help the quality, i.e., mobility, of my life?  ACCEPTANCE.  I must accept the need for a cane or walker or wheelchair.  I must accept that I need it.  I must be able to accept that this might be my life.  I must accept reality.  My thought had been that if I accepted these tools then I would never get stronger.  In reality, the opposite is true.  If I accept the use of these tools, I am more likely to get out, do things that energize me, and be more content.

Today, the bench went into the shower.  The cane is beside me and has been used today.  (Not my cane but one to try.) I am ready to accept that this might be my energy level so I will get going.  God knew every part of me before I was born...even the cancers.  He prepared me, strengthened me, and gave me gifts that could be used now. 

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:13 - 16  NLT

Pride set aside, gifts in place, situation accepted.  Here "we" come, cane and all.

Understanding

It is a great feeling to be "filled up".  After hearing Kev's sermon about not being anxious, I spent an hour on the deck with classical music playing, my Bible, and my journal. 

During the night my toes and feet were really cramping.  They kept me awake and so I could not make myself get up and go to church.  (Thankfully, Kevin's past sermon's are online and I was able to listen to one that I had missed.)  I generally try to figure out what is causing pain, discomfort, lack of energy, etc.  But, in the end, I don't know if it has something to do with increasing my walking, wearing/not wearing shoes, low potassium, or neuropathy.  All I really can do is make sure that I am eating foods high in potassium, observe pain to see if after walking, or if with/without shoes.  As for now, living is what I am asked to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do
and He will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5 - 6  NLT

In my Bible reading, it became even more clear that I am to be using the gifts that God has given me...now.  My energy cannot be spent on trying to figure out everything my body is doing.  I have a good oncologist and it is her job to help sort all of this out.  My energy is to be used on eternal issues.  

Between Acts 1 and Exodus, one can see that our loving Lord gives us what we need when we are told to do something.  The disciples were to wait for the Holy Spirit and Moses was to go speak to Pharaoh.  The disciples obeyed.  Moses made excuses.  Which do I do?  Or, should I say when do I obey and when do I act like Moses' early days? 

TRUST ~ SEEK ~ WATCH

"Yes" as my little nephew says.

"Yes, Lord."

Where Am I Looking?

My focus has been on myself and I don't like that.  With cancer (or any other health problem), the temptation is to have life be all about me.  My friends and I used to joke, "Oh, yes, I forgot that it was all about you/me/etc."  But, when we are ill, it is also about our caregivers.  People ask me daily, "How are you?" so it is natural to have the discussions be focused on my health. 

The first two years of this journey, I began scrap booking feelings and events.  The past year I have been making books (I use Mixbook but there are many other choices too) to help me process my emotions.  The latest project has been to make a book about the timeline of treatments and surgeries.  It was necessary so that I wouldn't be so hard on myself or the medications.  The fatigue is what is the most frustrating but the timeline has helped me see that my body has had to go through a lot:  three surgeries, chemo, radiation, hormone replacement therapy, and oral medication to fight kidney cancer.  My poor body has been battling two types of cancer and so I need to stop complaining about fatigue.  I also need to keep trying to do my part in pushing forward.

While processing the frustrations and fatigue, I am looking at myself.  It made me stop and realize that there must be a balance:  the Lord & me, others & me.  Every-once-in-a-while I am reminded to "look up" and "look around".  Even when cancer is not the journey, one needs to fight to make others the center of our lives.

One morning I was praying that I would be aware of God's Presence.  (He is always here but I do not always stop and focus.)  I walked out of the room where I had been and glanced into the living room.  There is a table with a candle in the middle and at that moment the sun began to shine right on it.  Wow!  What a blessing!  I prayed, He heard me (naturally), and responded immediately.  His love can be so overwhelming, peaceful, comforting, and strengthening.  Now I need to go back to the timeline and include all of the miracles that have been a part of this journey.