The past week has been quite an unusual few days for me. Saturday, Kevin, Luann, and Ashley took me to "the City" (that is San Francisco). We rented a wheelchair and drove in the beautiful sunshine. Above the Cliff House Restaurant, there is a park called Lands End Trail. The trail starts off with a paved path and then becomes a dirt trail. Off from the main trail are stairs leading to other areas of the park. The trail has a gorgeous view of the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge, sail boats, rocks, tug boats, barges, cypress trees, and even a few boats with motors.
This was my first outing in a wheelchair. It was fine as I was not self-conscience at all. If anyone looked at me I'd smile or say "thank-you" when they scooted over so Kev to push me past them. I truly thought that it was going to be uncomfortable but I wanted to go with them into San Francisco and I am not strong enough to walk on the trails. My desire to go out weighed my disappointment in being weak...and I was not disappointed!
Everything was so breath-taking! One has to think about Who created all of this beauty when looking into bay. Awesome!
Then came two days of no energy at all. I slept twelve hours Saturday night and Monday I slept most of the day. It can be discouraging but I have stopped trying to figure out the causes. If I go down that road I can come to conclusions that do not match reality: the cancer is spreading, one of the drugs must be causing it, my kidney is giving out, etc., etc., etc. None of that does any good.
Then, I read chapter three of Out of the Salt Shaker...by Rebecca Manley Pippert, "Jesus - Lord of All." Fantastic chapter on why we give Him control of our lives:
"Besides the fact that He deserves it because of Who He is,
He knows He is the only one in the universe
who can control us without destroying us...
He will make sense out of your brokenness...
The great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us,
He makes us more ourselves than ever before." (p 54)
The whole chapter spoke to me. He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The Lord of all is not concerned about me walking or being in a wheelchair. He is looking at me, who I am, not my new limitations, not what I can do or cannot do. So, walking on my own, using a cane, using a wheelchair, does not truly change who I am. Day with some energy or day without any energy does not truly change who I am.
Funny thing is that I had this lesson when I was bald and again when my hair grew in very thin. His control gives me gentle, little steps that build on one another. Inward appearance, not outward. Use the tools (hats, wigs, hair cream, cane, shower bench, wheelchair). These steps in my life have purpose but of most importance is that they are with the Lord of all in control. Again, it leads to peace.
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