Where Am I Looking?

My focus has been on myself and I don't like that.  With cancer (or any other health problem), the temptation is to have life be all about me.  My friends and I used to joke, "Oh, yes, I forgot that it was all about you/me/etc."  But, when we are ill, it is also about our caregivers.  People ask me daily, "How are you?" so it is natural to have the discussions be focused on my health. 

The first two years of this journey, I began scrap booking feelings and events.  The past year I have been making books (I use Mixbook but there are many other choices too) to help me process my emotions.  The latest project has been to make a book about the timeline of treatments and surgeries.  It was necessary so that I wouldn't be so hard on myself or the medications.  The fatigue is what is the most frustrating but the timeline has helped me see that my body has had to go through a lot:  three surgeries, chemo, radiation, hormone replacement therapy, and oral medication to fight kidney cancer.  My poor body has been battling two types of cancer and so I need to stop complaining about fatigue.  I also need to keep trying to do my part in pushing forward.

While processing the frustrations and fatigue, I am looking at myself.  It made me stop and realize that there must be a balance:  the Lord & me, others & me.  Every-once-in-a-while I am reminded to "look up" and "look around".  Even when cancer is not the journey, one needs to fight to make others the center of our lives.

One morning I was praying that I would be aware of God's Presence.  (He is always here but I do not always stop and focus.)  I walked out of the room where I had been and glanced into the living room.  There is a table with a candle in the middle and at that moment the sun began to shine right on it.  Wow!  What a blessing!  I prayed, He heard me (naturally), and responded immediately.  His love can be so overwhelming, peaceful, comforting, and strengthening.  Now I need to go back to the timeline and include all of the miracles that have been a part of this journey.