Naked

Mammogram and colonoscopy done. Second mammogram, ultrasound, and needle biopsy checked off. Lumpectomy and lymphnode removal completed. Brain MRI, CT/PET Scan, MUGA (heart) results back. EKG. Kidney removed. Primary doctor, breast surgeon, oncologist, oncologist's partner, kidney surgeon, nurses, teams in operating rooms, technicians...all know more about me than I knew. Thoroughly examined and physically naked.

While healing at home, many dear friends and family have met my every need. They have been able to monitor my liquid intake, food intake, number of hours in bed, showers, and lack of activity. Each has sacrificed greatly for me and there is very little about me that they do not know.

As I have been getting stronger, being laid open before others has begun to feel uncomfortable. Not that I tried to hide anything from my friends but we all have things we don't like about ourselves that are often invisible to others. Like the junk drawer of our homes, we have junk drawers in our lives. Stuffed in my junk drawer are traits, habits, behaviors that I do not like about myself.

The Lord knows all about my junk drawer. It is opened regularly for Him to examine. I willingly have given Him the key. The ideal relationship with God is nakedness, pure intimacy. People were created naked: Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 NLT Because He is trustworthy and loves unconditionally, I can be 100% open with Him. But now people have been allowed to see my junk drawer and it no longer can be closed. I could start another junk drawer where they do not have the key but is that the way I should live?

While pondering this feeling of nakedness, my junk drawer accessed, lack of privacy, it dawned on me that this still is not the innermost part of me. My lack of self-discipline, ability to be comfortable in sweats, desire to stay home rather than go out, personal filing style (or piling), etc, etc, etc are visible to others. But there are still thoughts and feelings that I can choose to share or keep private. But reality is that this process has been very valuable to make me a more open person and the person that God wants me to be.

I must go to my Source of strength to feel loved and okay:

For the word of God is alive and powerful.

It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword,

cutting between soul and spirit,

between joint and marrow.

It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God.

Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes,

and He is the one to whom we are accountable.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven,

Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses,

for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

There we will receive His mercy,

and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:12 - 16 NLT

My junk drawer is open. I am naked before my friends and family. And, yet, I can come boldly to God, receive mercy for laziness, and grace for my short comings. He loves me and shows me that this is how we all should live: naked. I will try to keep my junk drawer open and have less in it. Great lesson for me!

Not Alone

The closer I get to Wednesday, the more I am realizing all that it will mean. It dawned on me that I will be going through the surgery all alone. Up 'til then, I was focused on the drain all of this has been on those who have been walking this road with me. But, no one gets to go into the surgery room with me. As I started focusing on the thought of being all alone, I remembered that I will not be alone: the Lord will be with me, holding me, guiding the surgeons hands, and loving me.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Ps 34:4 - 5, 8 NLT

In less than 30 hours I go to the hospital. About 24 hours and I am to stop drinking and eating. In less than 36 hours I will have only one kidney. In less than 16 hours I will have my durable power of attorney and living will notorized. Wow! A lot to think about...but at least I won't be alone. He will be with me, loving me.

Another Bump or Blessing

Yesterday I found out that I have a cancerous tumor in one of my kidneys. It was found because of all of the testing due to breast cancer. Apparently they are not connected and the tumor in the kidney is totally contained - not spreading. Yes it is a blessing...and yet another "hit".

Surgery...different surgeon...different hospital...different cancer...different part...different side...different healing time...overnight stay...chemo postponed... ... ... ... ...

Emotionally I want to scream, "No more!" and yet I haven't even started chemo. Physically I want to yell, "What are you doing, Body?" and yet it is my body that is making all of the positive adjustments. Emotionally I want to cry, "More dependence on others!?" and yet no one is complaining. Physically I want to complain, "More limitations?" and yet this is less restrictive than the last surgery. Reality says, "This is not a major set back!" but it is a shock.

I was just beginning to accept the potential drain that chemo will have on my body. I was glad that I was finally going to have my chemo schedule. I was thankful that all of the scans were completed. I was...I was...I was...

Then faith comes in and says:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.

Fix your thoughts on what is true,

and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—

everything you heard from me and saw me doing.

Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8 - 9 NLT

True? Found early, contained in one place, recovery time should be short. Honorable? The compassion of the oncologist. Right? There are many worse things with which others have to endure. Pure? The Lord's love. Lovely? Giving, supportive, loving friends and family. Admirable? The people surrounding me.

When this bump is put into perspective, it truly does come out as a blessing. How else could I experience God's love in action, and know His loving Presence?

What a Change!

Surgery. Recovery. Awareness. Pain. Tests. Appointments.

Tests. Appointments.

My life has gone from traveling to a new country to visiting every medical building at Valley Medical Center. Modesty to exposure. Creating a classroom in India to creating a healing environment in Kent. Living alone to never being alone. Energy to fatigue. Daily devotions and study to weekly devotions.

Today has been the most difficult day I have had so far in this new journey. No special reason. Nothing new today; at least nothing that I could put my finger on throughout the afternoon. I just had a feeling of sadness all day long, with no motivation to do anything.


Now, at three o'clock in the morning, I realized that it is the ending of the first week of school in India. Then the emotions came that this cancer is not just a small event in my life but an ever changing one. I have always been slow to process events and their impact on my life but most of the time it saves me from a lot of unnecessary drama. The worst rarely ever happens...and for sure this is not the worst scenario in life. It just stopped my dream of teaching in India. (I could possibly do it in the future but right now I am not focusing that way. There was so much time, money, and energy spent on planning my new adventure that I can't see myself reliving the preparations.) So, after a month of living with the knowledge that I have breast cancer, I have accepted the fact that I will not be teaching in India this year...and maybe never.


For me, it is good to feel sad, grieve, and to acknowledge that the rain has come, and it came in torrents. It means that I am alive and actually experiencing life. I know that God will hold me up, love me, and not let me collapse...because He is my rock. I can cry and know that I don't have to be strong...He is my solid rock. I can grieve and know that it is because I didn't get what I wanted...but He loves me anyway. Now I can sleep.

Anyone who listens to My teaching
and obeys Me is wise
like a person who builds a house on solid rock.
Though the rain comes in torrents
and the floodwaters rise
and the winds beat against that house,
it won't collapse,
because it is built on rock.
Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

After Surgery

Surgery has come and gone, lab results have come back, tomorrow is my appt with my oncologist. I was going to be in India, settled in my flat, and getting ready for school to start next week. Since the shift in plans, I have had to learn many things about adjusting: take it one step at a time.

It has been interesting to watch and experience on many levels: my personal processing, friends, family, and spiritually. It is easier for me to take one small step at a time. I thought about and then accepted the biopsy results. Energy went to surgery and nothing beyond. Next came the lab reports from surgery. Adjusting to the physical changes after surgery and the lack of independence. Now comes the oncology...

O Lord, You have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Ps 139:1 - 6 NLT

My brother had suggested visualizing Jesus standing before me asking, "What can I do for you?" Then remain silent and let my thoughts go to my deepest needs. It was very powerful for me as what I found out that I needed was a physical hug, His hand holding mine, and Him supporting me from behind. Now, as I look ahead to chemo and all that it will entail, I can recall the image and the words, "Hugging. Holding. Supporting". He is hugging me with an overwhelming love, holding my hand as my best Friend, and supporting my back with the strongest and most gentle hands known.

Uncertain about what lies ahead this week. Anxious? A little. Uncertain about my physical reaction? For sure. But, at peace because I do know that He will be walking each step with me. Even in India I would have needed that assurance.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

The Best Pathway?

For You are my hiding place;
You protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.

The Lord says,
“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:7 - 8 NLT

Isn't it profound that in June this was the passage that I quoted? Wow! This is now what I need. Today it was confirmed that I have breast cancer which is also in at least one lymph node. Instead of going to India in ten days, I will be heading to the hospital. These verses are a great reminder that He is with me and this cancer is no surprise to Him.

"What?" you say. Yes, He knew and was guiding me. I had been at peace with not having my home on the market yet, not selling my car to a colleague, and the packers not giving me a date for them to pack and ship my items. Now I am thankful for all of those events. I still have my home, my car, and my clothes. As I look around, I see His hand in many of the preparations that I thought were to head toward India but are instead to help me with the rough road ahead. All I can say tonight is that He is a good God and I have to remember that as I go through the next few months. You can agree or disagree with me but please join me on my journey...a different one than we discussed but an adventure just the same.

The temperature in Washington is warming and helping me to change from 50 degrees to 80 degrees. It is allowing me to see which clothes do not need to go with me to India as they do not "breathe". Different friends are meeting me for dinner as we all process this huge change. Last night someone told me that I could still change my mind if I thought that Tim and Christy would have too difficult of an adjustment with me in India. Another person told me that I could break my contract if I didn't like it over there. That will not be necessary. I have no doubts about what I am doing. Yes, it will be a huge change. Yes, the kids and I will miss each other. Yes, there will be times of grief. Yes, yes, yes. But I believe that the Lord is guiding me along this pathway.

I believe that our Lord works many plans, on many levels, and uses them for many people all at once. He is God! God will be doing great things in Tim's and Christy's lives while I am gone. Their faith will grow to depths that they did not know were possible. God will be bringing other people into the lives of my closest friends. God is even providing a good home for Bailey. My home will be sold to someone who will be excited to live there. My car will be useful to a family who has a need for it. God is amazing! He can work it altogether, for each individual, at the perfect time, for many different reasons, all at once.

This verse, this promise is for me as I prepare to go to India and while I am there. This verse, this promise is for Tim while he and Rachel move into a new home. This verse, this promise is for Christy as she completes her education and goes on to her new career. This verse, this promise is for you. He loves us all, hides us, protects us, and guides us. He is personal and He is huge at the same time. He is God!

For you are my hiding place;

you protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says,

“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you.

Psalm 32:7 - 8 NLT

Where is He leading you?