Fear???

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I had my first round of chemo. (A round consists of three hours of chemo thru my port, a shot on the next day, and lab work on day 8.) It was a very rough week for me as I was nauseated, etc for most of the time. I have had four types of anti-nausea meds and finally, as of yesterday, an anti-nausea patch. Along with the nausea, I am learning the differences between recovering from surgery, tired, and fatigued. Prior to this I wondered if fatigue was just a word for tired...it isn't. To me, it feels like your knees are going to give out if you remain standing. So that has been the ten days of chemo.

I can live with those side effects, and still laugh, joke, and enjoy life. In the night time, I became fearful of all of the other potential side effects that are poking their heads up: loosing my hair in about seven days (even tho' I know that it won't be a big deal...at first it might be emotional), "chemo brain" becoming permanent, mouth sores, infections, too fatigued to enjoy the holidays. Then I started laughing out loud, "I wrote many Single Mom Sunday School lessons on FEAR NOT!"

“But I said to you, ‘Don’t be shocked or afraid of them!

hair loss, thinking processes, fatigue

The Lord your God is going ahead of you.

He will fight for you,

just as you saw Him do in Egypt.

with rejection, separation, abandonment

And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you

all along the way

as you traveled through the wilderness,

infertility, loneliness, divorce, son in Iraq,

just as a father cares for his child.

Now He has brought you to this place.’

cancer, surgeries, chemo

Deuteronomy 1:29 - 31 NLT

So, why do I fear? I know that the Lord has been faithful to me through every event in life. Why do I fear? I know what He has promised me. Why do I fear? I know better than to worry about the future as it is not in my control. Let's laugh...let's leave the worry to God...let's march on.

One Step at a Time!

Chemo begins in three days and I am feeling wiser about my preparation. Last week I was focused on changes and potential side effects. It was overwhelming. This weekend I was reminded that I need to take it one step at a time...and, as stated in my last blog, that God is with me always, everywhere.

At the end of all of the chemo and radiation, strength will be renewed and my relationship with the Lord will be closer due to this journey. What awesome thoughts! Throughout life, every crisis, or extended period of stress, has been worth the struggle because of new thinking and a newer awareness of how God has worked. In one way it is exciting to see how He will "grow me". When typing that sentence, my emotions lifted and I became more focused on using this time as an opportunity to build relationships and to learn to receive from others. One step at a time...look for an opportunity to get to know others...take time to process the learning.

But those who trust in the Lord

will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 NLT

Tonight I am at peace as He is with me and

will give me strength.

A Forever Change

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Is 41:10 NLT

Thoughts surrounding the impact of cancer come in stages and then circulate to a deeper level. Throughout the day and finally tonight I realize that this is a lifetime change or sentence, so to speak. I have cancer or I had cancer but will never be done with this disease. That is an overwhelming realization for me! After potentially 124 weeks of chemo with six weeks of radiation in the middle, I will still regularly have tests and doctor appointments. January, a mammogram will need to be taken, and in August of 2010, I will have a CT/PET Scan to make sure the other kidney is cancer-free. Those are just the two required due to surgery.

What do I do with this level of thinking? I need to remain positive as chemo begins. This is not just a change in the plans I had for two years of teaching in India. This is a change where I will be reminded of the potential for unhealthy cells in my body every time I have another appointment...and every time I see the scars.

How does one balance a positive attitude with a devastating event like cancer, divorce, death of a family member or friend, etc.? Pray, journal, get angry, listen to music, read inspirational or uplifting articles and books, find a source of creativity, talk with friends, cry, laugh, and pray ~ pray ~ pray.

...listen to the Lord who created you...

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...

Is 43: 1 - 3 NLT

I choose to trust that the Lord will walk every step with me because He says He will. That is how I will accept and live with this new level of thinking.

Sitting Here Alone

Tonight (or this morning)I am feeling odd...extremely focused on what lies ahead in about 10 days. A white bear with a pink dress that was given to me by cancer survivor is ready to sit on my lap during chemo. My sister is planning to drive me to the appointments. The schedule has been made.

The oncologist told me that two things are certain: fatigue and loss of hair. Lately I have been frustrated with my lack of energy from kidney surgery and how friends and family have graciously been pitching in to help me with daily chores, meals, and grocery shopping. The past two days I have accomplished very little as my body was exhausted from our six day trip to the Grand Canyon. So what will it be like with 2 1/2 years of chemo? Will I be fatigued some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time? Will I be able to hold on for that long or will I say, "Enough is enough?" Lack of energy is one thing but fatigue sounds a lot more frustrating. What will I be able to do?

Then there is the loss of hair. I think that it is no big deal as my life does not revolve around my looks. But, as I was looking at hats for daily use, going out, and sleeping I decided that maybe I haven't prepared myself for the emotions that will come.

What should I be doing the next ten days? There is a very helpful website, http://www.lotsofhelpinghands.com/ (Lots of Helping Hands) where you put in your needs on a calendar, email friends, and let them sign up for what they will be able to do. I have listed meals, rides to and from chemo and doctor appointments, and cleaning the bathroom. Do you know how hard it is to ask people to do that? All of it needs to be done and with medical bills I am not able to pay someone to clean the house. Already two dear friends have volunteered to clean my bathroom. Wow, that is compassion and service! The needs are on the calendar and my bedroom is organized with the things that I think I will need close at hand. What should I be doing?

Focusing on strength and peace are worth my time right now. Where does my strength come from? Where does peace come from? Who calms my fears of the unknown? These questions lead me right back to the Lord and His Word. My relationship and dependence on Him will give me the strength, peace, and wisdom to face what lies ahead. It is the same for each of us no matter what our present struggles. No human can give me strength and no human can give me peace. I must, once again, discipline my thoughts and time to spend time with Him in prayer, reading, and music.

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.

Neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither our fears for today

nor our worries about tomorrow—

not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—

indeed, nothing in all creation

will ever be able to separate us

from the love of God

that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37 - 39 NLT

A Break Before Chemo

My niece has four daughters so I have been able to watch the interaction of four females. Quite interesting to watch because you see the conflicts as well as the love. They protect each other and yet call each other on actions that they think are wrong. Comments can be hurtful but get out of the way if they see someone else verbally attacking a sister.

Four friends went to the Grand Canyon...all females. We have been friends for nine to fifteen years. None of us had been to the Grand Canyon and we all wanted to experience it. It sounded like a way to rejuvenate before chemo begins...or was it.

Four of us are friends

Three of us are single

Three of us live in Kent

But four of us are friends

Four of us are women
Three of us are over 50
Three of us raised daughters
But four of us are friends

Four of us have one child who is married

Three of us have grandchildren

Three of us have "grown up" sons

But four of us have children

Four of us love animals

Three of us love dogs

Three of us have pets

But four of us enjoy animals

Four of us traveled to the Grand Canyon

Three of us left someone at home

Three of us had stress calls from home

But four of us remained at the Grand Canyon

Four of us rode a helicopter

Three of us were afraid

Three of us took pictures

But four of us enjoyed the flight

Four of us drove to Las Vegas

Three of us gambled

Three of us had "alone time"

But four of us enjoyed the lights

Four of us had conflicts

Three of us went to a musical

Three of us went to another part of town

But four of us did something we wanted to do

Four of us have faith in God

Four of us believe in the power of prayer

Four of us saw the awesomeness of God's creation

Four of us are thankful for our trip

The Lord allowed this trip for many reasons. One, because I may not be able to travel during chemo. Another to share the beauty of the Grand Canyon. But, also to draw us closer and to have a clearer understanding of each other. This road I am on will not be easy for any of my family or friends. The more we understand each other, the stronger we will be. As my young niece wisely said, "Sometimes all those things, even the bad, will turn out to be a good memory." This cancer journey will definitely have and has had some bumps but I do believe that it will be a good memory of strength, love, and friendship.