The Babe Has Arrived

The angels appeared to the shepherds, saying, "Fear not!" Their news was fantastic news so they listened, heard, and acted. They hurried and found Mary, Joseph, and Jesus in the stable. And, they were not disappointed.

What great examples for us! The uneducated, hard working shepherds heard about Jesus, rushed to see Him, and it changed their lives. When I read the Bible or hear a Biblical sermon or even a song, I want to respond like the sheep herders. I want to listen and act...I want to hear and take action...I want to understand and reply...

...and there was the Baby lying in a manger. Luke 2:16 NLT

70 Mile Journey

Round four is complete and next will come eight weeks of a less aggressive chemo drug. For now I still have some nausea, low energy, and low white blood cell count. But, this will improve over the next week. So, the journey continues.

Did you ever wonder why the 70 mile journey of Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem has such a small part in the "Christmas story"? Can you imagine seventy miles on a donkey...and being pregnant? Or seventy miles walking beside a donkey with a pregnant lady? There must have been discussions, encounters with others making the journey, disagreements, cold or restless nights, and many noteworthy events. Why aren't we told?

My journey with cancer has been about six months. A lot about the people, blessings, and miracles have not been documented. For me it has been because of lack of energy, limited insight, and because I am in the beginning or middle of the journey. I am busy living it instead of writing about it.

For Mary and Joseph the story of their travels are not in the Bible because the main character has not arrived. They are the supporting actors and the real miracle is about to happen. It is not because the journey was not important. It is because the time in Bethlehem is life changing for all of us. It is not because there was nothing valuable in their trip. It is because the most valuable time for us was Jesus' birth. It is not because these two servants of God didn't have something to teach us about trust. It is because the angels needed to remind us to be brave: "Fear not..."

For me, it is a good reminder of how I am not at the end of this journey, stay focused on one day at a time...and "FEAR NOT!" We all need to be reminded during various journeys in our lives to focus on the Main Character and Fear Not.

Job Was Human

Job was a man of faith who encountered great loss. He believes that God has stopped listening to him. This man of faith never doubts God's existence or sovereignty but he does question His justice and mercy. Job's friends view trials as a sign of sin. They accuse Job of sinning and state that his troubles are totally due to his own sin. In his discussions with them he blames God for destroying his hope. Job is angry with Him and feels that God has abandoned him.

It is easy to read the Book of Job and miss his faith. Some of his words are negative about God and a lot of his thinking is false. But, then he says, "Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high." He still knows that God knows all. Job begs for mercy and in the middle of his complaining Job says, "But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that He will stand upon the earth at last...I will see Him for myself. Yes, I will see Him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

During chemo, there have been days when I didn't even open my Bible. God was still carrying me, sending encouragement my way, and holding my hand. The human side of Job validated my emotions. The faith statements of Job reminded me that in the midst of trials, my relationship with God is still real. "I know that my Redeemer lives!...I am overwhelmed at the thought!"

Six Weeks Later

Wow! I haven't blogged for a long, long time. There is no excuse for not checking in once in a while. My body has had a rough time with the chemo but there have been so many blessings to share.

My sister had been able to stay with me most days since July. She would go home on weekends or her husband would come up and visit. It was such a blessing - such a sacrifice. Then about 3 weeks ago Jack had a heart attack and Karen needed to go home to Chehalis. He had two stints put in and has his energy back, but what a scare.

Friends jumped in to help and so I have someone staying each night. The days right after chemo someone is able to be here during the daytime too. My kids regularly visit and help out by cooking, cleaning, decorating, visiting.

Each person seems to have their own gift to share: one friend organized my school books to sell, one friend collected sick leave days to donate to me, another friend organizes my food when I am going to be alone, several different friends drive me to chemo and dr. appts., colleagues from school bring me large envelopes filled with gifts to open each day, others have sent cards, one friend sold homemade cards to help me financially with Christmas gifts for my kids, some friends provide meals, and three friends flew me to the Grand Canyon before chemo started. Some friends or family members encourage me, others pray with me, and many pray for me. Everyone has their own special way that has touched my life.

I want to thank each of you because

you have touched my life,

encouraged me,

blessed me,

and you bring me joy.

Thank-you!!!

Fear???

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I had my first round of chemo. (A round consists of three hours of chemo thru my port, a shot on the next day, and lab work on day 8.) It was a very rough week for me as I was nauseated, etc for most of the time. I have had four types of anti-nausea meds and finally, as of yesterday, an anti-nausea patch. Along with the nausea, I am learning the differences between recovering from surgery, tired, and fatigued. Prior to this I wondered if fatigue was just a word for tired...it isn't. To me, it feels like your knees are going to give out if you remain standing. So that has been the ten days of chemo.

I can live with those side effects, and still laugh, joke, and enjoy life. In the night time, I became fearful of all of the other potential side effects that are poking their heads up: loosing my hair in about seven days (even tho' I know that it won't be a big deal...at first it might be emotional), "chemo brain" becoming permanent, mouth sores, infections, too fatigued to enjoy the holidays. Then I started laughing out loud, "I wrote many Single Mom Sunday School lessons on FEAR NOT!"

“But I said to you, ‘Don’t be shocked or afraid of them!

hair loss, thinking processes, fatigue

The Lord your God is going ahead of you.

He will fight for you,

just as you saw Him do in Egypt.

with rejection, separation, abandonment

And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you

all along the way

as you traveled through the wilderness,

infertility, loneliness, divorce, son in Iraq,

just as a father cares for his child.

Now He has brought you to this place.’

cancer, surgeries, chemo

Deuteronomy 1:29 - 31 NLT

So, why do I fear? I know that the Lord has been faithful to me through every event in life. Why do I fear? I know what He has promised me. Why do I fear? I know better than to worry about the future as it is not in my control. Let's laugh...let's leave the worry to God...let's march on.

One Step at a Time!

Chemo begins in three days and I am feeling wiser about my preparation. Last week I was focused on changes and potential side effects. It was overwhelming. This weekend I was reminded that I need to take it one step at a time...and, as stated in my last blog, that God is with me always, everywhere.

At the end of all of the chemo and radiation, strength will be renewed and my relationship with the Lord will be closer due to this journey. What awesome thoughts! Throughout life, every crisis, or extended period of stress, has been worth the struggle because of new thinking and a newer awareness of how God has worked. In one way it is exciting to see how He will "grow me". When typing that sentence, my emotions lifted and I became more focused on using this time as an opportunity to build relationships and to learn to receive from others. One step at a time...look for an opportunity to get to know others...take time to process the learning.

But those who trust in the Lord

will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 NLT

Tonight I am at peace as He is with me and

will give me strength.

A Forever Change

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Is 41:10 NLT

Thoughts surrounding the impact of cancer come in stages and then circulate to a deeper level. Throughout the day and finally tonight I realize that this is a lifetime change or sentence, so to speak. I have cancer or I had cancer but will never be done with this disease. That is an overwhelming realization for me! After potentially 124 weeks of chemo with six weeks of radiation in the middle, I will still regularly have tests and doctor appointments. January, a mammogram will need to be taken, and in August of 2010, I will have a CT/PET Scan to make sure the other kidney is cancer-free. Those are just the two required due to surgery.

What do I do with this level of thinking? I need to remain positive as chemo begins. This is not just a change in the plans I had for two years of teaching in India. This is a change where I will be reminded of the potential for unhealthy cells in my body every time I have another appointment...and every time I see the scars.

How does one balance a positive attitude with a devastating event like cancer, divorce, death of a family member or friend, etc.? Pray, journal, get angry, listen to music, read inspirational or uplifting articles and books, find a source of creativity, talk with friends, cry, laugh, and pray ~ pray ~ pray.

...listen to the Lord who created you...

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...

Is 43: 1 - 3 NLT

I choose to trust that the Lord will walk every step with me because He says He will. That is how I will accept and live with this new level of thinking.

Sitting Here Alone

Tonight (or this morning)I am feeling odd...extremely focused on what lies ahead in about 10 days. A white bear with a pink dress that was given to me by cancer survivor is ready to sit on my lap during chemo. My sister is planning to drive me to the appointments. The schedule has been made.

The oncologist told me that two things are certain: fatigue and loss of hair. Lately I have been frustrated with my lack of energy from kidney surgery and how friends and family have graciously been pitching in to help me with daily chores, meals, and grocery shopping. The past two days I have accomplished very little as my body was exhausted from our six day trip to the Grand Canyon. So what will it be like with 2 1/2 years of chemo? Will I be fatigued some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time? Will I be able to hold on for that long or will I say, "Enough is enough?" Lack of energy is one thing but fatigue sounds a lot more frustrating. What will I be able to do?

Then there is the loss of hair. I think that it is no big deal as my life does not revolve around my looks. But, as I was looking at hats for daily use, going out, and sleeping I decided that maybe I haven't prepared myself for the emotions that will come.

What should I be doing the next ten days? There is a very helpful website, http://www.lotsofhelpinghands.com/ (Lots of Helping Hands) where you put in your needs on a calendar, email friends, and let them sign up for what they will be able to do. I have listed meals, rides to and from chemo and doctor appointments, and cleaning the bathroom. Do you know how hard it is to ask people to do that? All of it needs to be done and with medical bills I am not able to pay someone to clean the house. Already two dear friends have volunteered to clean my bathroom. Wow, that is compassion and service! The needs are on the calendar and my bedroom is organized with the things that I think I will need close at hand. What should I be doing?

Focusing on strength and peace are worth my time right now. Where does my strength come from? Where does peace come from? Who calms my fears of the unknown? These questions lead me right back to the Lord and His Word. My relationship and dependence on Him will give me the strength, peace, and wisdom to face what lies ahead. It is the same for each of us no matter what our present struggles. No human can give me strength and no human can give me peace. I must, once again, discipline my thoughts and time to spend time with Him in prayer, reading, and music.

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.

Neither death nor life,

neither angels nor demons,

neither our fears for today

nor our worries about tomorrow—

not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—

indeed, nothing in all creation

will ever be able to separate us

from the love of God

that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37 - 39 NLT

A Break Before Chemo

My niece has four daughters so I have been able to watch the interaction of four females. Quite interesting to watch because you see the conflicts as well as the love. They protect each other and yet call each other on actions that they think are wrong. Comments can be hurtful but get out of the way if they see someone else verbally attacking a sister.

Four friends went to the Grand Canyon...all females. We have been friends for nine to fifteen years. None of us had been to the Grand Canyon and we all wanted to experience it. It sounded like a way to rejuvenate before chemo begins...or was it.

Four of us are friends

Three of us are single

Three of us live in Kent

But four of us are friends

Four of us are women
Three of us are over 50
Three of us raised daughters
But four of us are friends

Four of us have one child who is married

Three of us have grandchildren

Three of us have "grown up" sons

But four of us have children

Four of us love animals

Three of us love dogs

Three of us have pets

But four of us enjoy animals

Four of us traveled to the Grand Canyon

Three of us left someone at home

Three of us had stress calls from home

But four of us remained at the Grand Canyon

Four of us rode a helicopter

Three of us were afraid

Three of us took pictures

But four of us enjoyed the flight

Four of us drove to Las Vegas

Three of us gambled

Three of us had "alone time"

But four of us enjoyed the lights

Four of us had conflicts

Three of us went to a musical

Three of us went to another part of town

But four of us did something we wanted to do

Four of us have faith in God

Four of us believe in the power of prayer

Four of us saw the awesomeness of God's creation

Four of us are thankful for our trip

The Lord allowed this trip for many reasons. One, because I may not be able to travel during chemo. Another to share the beauty of the Grand Canyon. But, also to draw us closer and to have a clearer understanding of each other. This road I am on will not be easy for any of my family or friends. The more we understand each other, the stronger we will be. As my young niece wisely said, "Sometimes all those things, even the bad, will turn out to be a good memory." This cancer journey will definitely have and has had some bumps but I do believe that it will be a good memory of strength, love, and friendship.

Get Up, the Sun is Shining!

Last night I was able to focus on my grief over the loss of teaching and going to India. To get myself going again, I turn to what I know to be the truth: great friends, supportive children who know the Lord, and a Lord Who loves me. When feeling sad or overwhelmed, I give myself permission to feel down for a reasonable amount of time. Then I do what helps me look past myself.

I have surrounded myself with things that I enjoy doing and outlets of creativity. Last spring my colleagues told me the titles of their favorite books and they are now sitting on the windowsill. To prepare for India I downloaded my favorite music onto my IPod which is sitting near my bed. My scrapbooking supplies are organized in the plastic drawers that were to be shipped to me. Favorite puzzles are ready for me to put together. My camera is close by so that when people visit I can have a visual to scrapbook of this journey. My laptop has enough memory to hold my photos and they have all been backed up on CDs so that I can print them when I feel creative. Scrapbooks were completed of trips, friends, and family members so that I would have them when I felt homesick or lonely: the beauty of Washington, people whom I love, and funny times with friends and family. And, my Bailey dog comes to visit me regularly. All that I had done to organize my trip to India is helping me get up with a positive attitude.

The most important part of moving forward for me is my faith. My Bible is right next to me at all times. I find encouragement, understanding, hope, and joy inside its covers. And, I definitely have time for prayer. It is also a source of strength and it makes me look past myself to others.

My very, very close friend died of breast cancer twenty years ago. When she was no longer able to get out of bed, she asked me why she was still alive. What was her purpose? What could she do and what was the point of her being alive? I remember telling her that the Lord has her alive for at least two reasons: her husband and children needed to be ready to let her go, and she could pray for others...and obviously to show me how to go down this road with joy. I am now finding comfort in those words.

Medicine has come a long way in curing breast cancer so I am not as ill as Maxine was. Her cancer went into her bones and then into her brain. Chemo will make me fatigued and lately my migraines have kept me in bed but I do not have the pain that she had. So, I have been able to use some of my time praying. My medicine is music, laughter, games, prayer, reading, and being with family and friends. (Food still looks like it is a main source of comfort too.) Disciplining my thoughts, taking each day one step at a time, and remembering Who is with me all help me get up after a time of grieving to see the sun shining around me. Never worry when I need to take time to be sad. I have the right medicine to be lifted up.

Distractions Gone

The wedding is over. Both of my surgeries are done and I have healed. My home is getting put back together. Everyone is at home for now. A website has been set up for my needs once chemo begins. And I am able to catch up on thank-you notes and labeling pictures on my laptop.

The Lord has my attention and I am listening. Two events have been going through my mind as I continue grieving in a deeper way: the beginning of school and teaching in India. Teaching has always been a creative outlet for me, full of relationships. India was to be a huge adventure that I would be doing by myself. Both are and were avenues of spiritual growth. Constantly in the classroom the Lord would allow me to touch students in ways that were beyond my own talents. It was evident that He was working through me. Obviously in India I would have been depending on Him for emotional strength, loneliness, and guidance.

Instead of needing Him in the classroom and in a distant country, I need the Lord to hold my hand through this journey. I have been reading about, and more importantly, talking with people who have been on this road. It can be overwhelming to think about: what will chemo feel like, how will my body react, what will I be able to do during those months, what will food taste like, which smells will bother me, will radiation hurt, will my hair start to grow back only to fall out again, can I really ask people to do all of the daily things for me, etc, etc, etc. It is definitely necessary for me to go one step at a time.

It can and will all be a rich experience for me, full of many blessings and miracles. But, tonight, I am going to allow myself the time to grieve as I know Who is with me. My Bible is right beside me full of encouragement and truths...but for now, I am going to grieve teaching and India. Don't worry, I will not stay in this space for long...just for tonight.

Hope

I have been reading the Old Testament book of Job as he was hit with more tragedy than I have been. Each day that I read there is always something for me to grab and think about. At one point this man of faith believed that God was destroying the people, animals, and possessions in his life and then attacked his health. He had forgotten Who God was and how much He loved him. It made me realize that our beliefs either make us hopeless or full of hope.

We have the advantage of reading why these things were happening to him: God gave Satan permission to test Job's faith in God. God allows bad things but doesn't cause them. If we believe that God is doing these things to us, then where is hope? What a depressing thought! How can you fight God's power? That is why Job became very depressed too. He didn't understand why God was doing all of these things to him when they had had a good relationship.

Hope comes from knowing Who God is and understanding His love for me. He has always been faithful to me no matter what is happening in my life. This is no different. God did not give me cancer; it is a disease that many of us have to fight. My hope is knowing that my loving Lord is going on this journey with me. My hope is knowing that He has been on this journey with me since July. My hope is knowing that almost everything that I did to prepare to go to India, is helping me on this journey too. Why? Because God knew that I was not going: my house didn't get on the market, the junk in my home is gone, my car didn't sell, repairs and painting have made my home a beautiful place to be, my job at school was filled at the end of the year, and church responsibilities were filled by others. He knew. I didn't. He knew. All has fallen into place. Hope? Yes! Hope is knowing that He didn't give me cancer but He will hold my hand every moment.

Before, After, and Above

O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Psalm 139:1 - 6 NLT

Where does peace come from during a life struggle? Going to India - no. Stay in townhome - yes. Contract reinstated - yes! Surgery - yes. Got all the cancer - yes. Surgery - yes. Got all of the cancer - yes. Healing - yes. Chemo - yes. Radiation - yes. More chemo - yes. Look at all of the "yes" answers. I had one NO but look at all of the positive answers. If I focus on India I miss the great things that are happening around me. Looking at Chemo and Radiation can be a little frightening. But, God is going before me and behind me. What could be better? Then, He has His hand on my head. That is very personal and encouraging. I will not be alone while having and reacting to chemo. I will not be alone while receiving radiation. I will not be alone...I am not alone. This is wonderful and beyond my understanding but it produces peace.

One Step at a Time

Two and a half years of chemo and six weeks of radiation are ahead of me. So far, I have been able to look at what lies just ahead instead of two steps down the road. That has helped me emotionally as well as physically but it takes discipline. Chemo is the next step. Yet my mind is jumping to radiation. Why? Fear of the unknown. I have not spoken to anyone who had radiation and so I've been reading about it...It sounds painful.

For chemo, the part that would bother me the most is nausea. Whenever I have been nauseated in the past, I would lie as still as possible so that I wouldn't throw up. I was frozen and would just wait until it passed. Truly, what a big baby! So, when discussing the side effects with my oncologist, he said that there are two known side effects for sure from the chemo: loss of hair and fatigue. He said that nausea is not really a problem because of good medications nowadays. I can deal with the loss of hair and hopefully the fatigue is also tolerable.

Next my mind has jumped ahead to radiation. I began to read about it: procedures and side effects. The thought of it is frightening! I had to put the book away and discipline myself to focus on healing, building my strength, drinking plenty of water, and chemo. I have had to force myself to look only at the next step, chemo.

Remember Philippians 4:6 - 7, "Don't worry...Pray...Tell God what you need...Thank Him...His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Then in verses 8 - 9, "...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable..." I can do that. There are so many good things to think about and so many good things that God has done for me. I can do this! One step at a time...The summer is somewhat of a blur due to the shock of a change of plans and the surgeries. The present is full of joy due to the Kent teachers strike about to end and the wedding of my niece this week. The future is in God's hands and so I will obey: don't worry, pray, and discipline my thoughts. I can do this with His help. I can do this as He has given me the keys! I can do this!

Shattered Dreams

While scrapbooking my new adventure, I realized that my world had turned upside down 16 days before I was to go to India. I had not realized that the whirlwind hit down that close to departure. Planning had taken 14 months and the turn around was only sixteen days. No wonder I can't remember most details of those two weeks.

Plans do not always turn into reality. What I thought was God's plan for the next two years of my life was not the destination He had in mind. Just like Jonah being swallowed by the large fish or me twirling around in the middle of the currents, we are never alone. Once inside the fish, Jonah must have been disoriented or confused: dark, strange surroundings, senses trying to sort out the new smells, sights, textures, and then the realization of confinement. All of this happened within a few short minutes. All God was telling Jonah was to listen and turn around.

The whirlwind lifted and spun me around. I became disoriented, nauseous, and confused...shocked...disappointed...in disbelief. The speed of the whirlwind was unbelievable. Sixteen days and I would be in India! The force of the wind had picked me up and planted me in a totally different direction, away from India. Yet God was telling me to hold on to Him and watch each event carefully. He reminded me of His unconditional love, His supreme wisdom, and His constant presence. He was with me so I was not alone in the storm.

Two months later, two surgeries later, the wind has calmed, the shock is over, and I am on solid ground. The direction of my life has changed and I am ready to proceed. There is darkness, medical surroundings, new sights, sounds, smells, and confinement. A lot of life is out of my control so I stand up when the wind sets me down. When I am hit by another whirlwind, I wait for it to settle, see where I am, get up and go forward...with my loving Lord holding and sometimes carrying me.

Naked

Mammogram and colonoscopy done. Second mammogram, ultrasound, and needle biopsy checked off. Lumpectomy and lymphnode removal completed. Brain MRI, CT/PET Scan, MUGA (heart) results back. EKG. Kidney removed. Primary doctor, breast surgeon, oncologist, oncologist's partner, kidney surgeon, nurses, teams in operating rooms, technicians...all know more about me than I knew. Thoroughly examined and physically naked.

While healing at home, many dear friends and family have met my every need. They have been able to monitor my liquid intake, food intake, number of hours in bed, showers, and lack of activity. Each has sacrificed greatly for me and there is very little about me that they do not know.

As I have been getting stronger, being laid open before others has begun to feel uncomfortable. Not that I tried to hide anything from my friends but we all have things we don't like about ourselves that are often invisible to others. Like the junk drawer of our homes, we have junk drawers in our lives. Stuffed in my junk drawer are traits, habits, behaviors that I do not like about myself.

The Lord knows all about my junk drawer. It is opened regularly for Him to examine. I willingly have given Him the key. The ideal relationship with God is nakedness, pure intimacy. People were created naked: Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 NLT Because He is trustworthy and loves unconditionally, I can be 100% open with Him. But now people have been allowed to see my junk drawer and it no longer can be closed. I could start another junk drawer where they do not have the key but is that the way I should live?

While pondering this feeling of nakedness, my junk drawer accessed, lack of privacy, it dawned on me that this still is not the innermost part of me. My lack of self-discipline, ability to be comfortable in sweats, desire to stay home rather than go out, personal filing style (or piling), etc, etc, etc are visible to others. But there are still thoughts and feelings that I can choose to share or keep private. But reality is that this process has been very valuable to make me a more open person and the person that God wants me to be.

I must go to my Source of strength to feel loved and okay:

For the word of God is alive and powerful.

It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword,

cutting between soul and spirit,

between joint and marrow.

It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God.

Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes,

and He is the one to whom we are accountable.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven,

Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses,

for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

There we will receive His mercy,

and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:12 - 16 NLT

My junk drawer is open. I am naked before my friends and family. And, yet, I can come boldly to God, receive mercy for laziness, and grace for my short comings. He loves me and shows me that this is how we all should live: naked. I will try to keep my junk drawer open and have less in it. Great lesson for me!

Not Alone

The closer I get to Wednesday, the more I am realizing all that it will mean. It dawned on me that I will be going through the surgery all alone. Up 'til then, I was focused on the drain all of this has been on those who have been walking this road with me. But, no one gets to go into the surgery room with me. As I started focusing on the thought of being all alone, I remembered that I will not be alone: the Lord will be with me, holding me, guiding the surgeons hands, and loving me.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Ps 34:4 - 5, 8 NLT

In less than 30 hours I go to the hospital. About 24 hours and I am to stop drinking and eating. In less than 36 hours I will have only one kidney. In less than 16 hours I will have my durable power of attorney and living will notorized. Wow! A lot to think about...but at least I won't be alone. He will be with me, loving me.

Another Bump or Blessing

Yesterday I found out that I have a cancerous tumor in one of my kidneys. It was found because of all of the testing due to breast cancer. Apparently they are not connected and the tumor in the kidney is totally contained - not spreading. Yes it is a blessing...and yet another "hit".

Surgery...different surgeon...different hospital...different cancer...different part...different side...different healing time...overnight stay...chemo postponed... ... ... ... ...

Emotionally I want to scream, "No more!" and yet I haven't even started chemo. Physically I want to yell, "What are you doing, Body?" and yet it is my body that is making all of the positive adjustments. Emotionally I want to cry, "More dependence on others!?" and yet no one is complaining. Physically I want to complain, "More limitations?" and yet this is less restrictive than the last surgery. Reality says, "This is not a major set back!" but it is a shock.

I was just beginning to accept the potential drain that chemo will have on my body. I was glad that I was finally going to have my chemo schedule. I was thankful that all of the scans were completed. I was...I was...I was...

Then faith comes in and says:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.

Fix your thoughts on what is true,

and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—

everything you heard from me and saw me doing.

Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8 - 9 NLT

True? Found early, contained in one place, recovery time should be short. Honorable? The compassion of the oncologist. Right? There are many worse things with which others have to endure. Pure? The Lord's love. Lovely? Giving, supportive, loving friends and family. Admirable? The people surrounding me.

When this bump is put into perspective, it truly does come out as a blessing. How else could I experience God's love in action, and know His loving Presence?

What a Change!

Surgery. Recovery. Awareness. Pain. Tests. Appointments.

Tests. Appointments.

My life has gone from traveling to a new country to visiting every medical building at Valley Medical Center. Modesty to exposure. Creating a classroom in India to creating a healing environment in Kent. Living alone to never being alone. Energy to fatigue. Daily devotions and study to weekly devotions.

Today has been the most difficult day I have had so far in this new journey. No special reason. Nothing new today; at least nothing that I could put my finger on throughout the afternoon. I just had a feeling of sadness all day long, with no motivation to do anything.


Now, at three o'clock in the morning, I realized that it is the ending of the first week of school in India. Then the emotions came that this cancer is not just a small event in my life but an ever changing one. I have always been slow to process events and their impact on my life but most of the time it saves me from a lot of unnecessary drama. The worst rarely ever happens...and for sure this is not the worst scenario in life. It just stopped my dream of teaching in India. (I could possibly do it in the future but right now I am not focusing that way. There was so much time, money, and energy spent on planning my new adventure that I can't see myself reliving the preparations.) So, after a month of living with the knowledge that I have breast cancer, I have accepted the fact that I will not be teaching in India this year...and maybe never.


For me, it is good to feel sad, grieve, and to acknowledge that the rain has come, and it came in torrents. It means that I am alive and actually experiencing life. I know that God will hold me up, love me, and not let me collapse...because He is my rock. I can cry and know that I don't have to be strong...He is my solid rock. I can grieve and know that it is because I didn't get what I wanted...but He loves me anyway. Now I can sleep.

Anyone who listens to My teaching
and obeys Me is wise
like a person who builds a house on solid rock.
Though the rain comes in torrents
and the floodwaters rise
and the winds beat against that house,
it won't collapse,
because it is built on rock.
Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

After Surgery

Surgery has come and gone, lab results have come back, tomorrow is my appt with my oncologist. I was going to be in India, settled in my flat, and getting ready for school to start next week. Since the shift in plans, I have had to learn many things about adjusting: take it one step at a time.

It has been interesting to watch and experience on many levels: my personal processing, friends, family, and spiritually. It is easier for me to take one small step at a time. I thought about and then accepted the biopsy results. Energy went to surgery and nothing beyond. Next came the lab reports from surgery. Adjusting to the physical changes after surgery and the lack of independence. Now comes the oncology...

O Lord, You have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Ps 139:1 - 6 NLT

My brother had suggested visualizing Jesus standing before me asking, "What can I do for you?" Then remain silent and let my thoughts go to my deepest needs. It was very powerful for me as what I found out that I needed was a physical hug, His hand holding mine, and Him supporting me from behind. Now, as I look ahead to chemo and all that it will entail, I can recall the image and the words, "Hugging. Holding. Supporting". He is hugging me with an overwhelming love, holding my hand as my best Friend, and supporting my back with the strongest and most gentle hands known.

Uncertain about what lies ahead this week. Anxious? A little. Uncertain about my physical reaction? For sure. But, at peace because I do know that He will be walking each step with me. Even in India I would have needed that assurance.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

The Best Pathway?

For You are my hiding place;
You protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.

The Lord says,
“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:7 - 8 NLT

Isn't it profound that in June this was the passage that I quoted? Wow! This is now what I need. Today it was confirmed that I have breast cancer which is also in at least one lymph node. Instead of going to India in ten days, I will be heading to the hospital. These verses are a great reminder that He is with me and this cancer is no surprise to Him.

"What?" you say. Yes, He knew and was guiding me. I had been at peace with not having my home on the market yet, not selling my car to a colleague, and the packers not giving me a date for them to pack and ship my items. Now I am thankful for all of those events. I still have my home, my car, and my clothes. As I look around, I see His hand in many of the preparations that I thought were to head toward India but are instead to help me with the rough road ahead. All I can say tonight is that He is a good God and I have to remember that as I go through the next few months. You can agree or disagree with me but please join me on my journey...a different one than we discussed but an adventure just the same.

The temperature in Washington is warming and helping me to change from 50 degrees to 80 degrees. It is allowing me to see which clothes do not need to go with me to India as they do not "breathe". Different friends are meeting me for dinner as we all process this huge change. Last night someone told me that I could still change my mind if I thought that Tim and Christy would have too difficult of an adjustment with me in India. Another person told me that I could break my contract if I didn't like it over there. That will not be necessary. I have no doubts about what I am doing. Yes, it will be a huge change. Yes, the kids and I will miss each other. Yes, there will be times of grief. Yes, yes, yes. But I believe that the Lord is guiding me along this pathway.

I believe that our Lord works many plans, on many levels, and uses them for many people all at once. He is God! God will be doing great things in Tim's and Christy's lives while I am gone. Their faith will grow to depths that they did not know were possible. God will be bringing other people into the lives of my closest friends. God is even providing a good home for Bailey. My home will be sold to someone who will be excited to live there. My car will be useful to a family who has a need for it. God is amazing! He can work it altogether, for each individual, at the perfect time, for many different reasons, all at once.

This verse, this promise is for me as I prepare to go to India and while I am there. This verse, this promise is for Tim while he and Rachel move into a new home. This verse, this promise is for Christy as she completes her education and goes on to her new career. This verse, this promise is for you. He loves us all, hides us, protects us, and guides us. He is personal and He is huge at the same time. He is God!

For you are my hiding place;

you protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says,

“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you.

Psalm 32:7 - 8 NLT

Where is He leading you?

HE Knows

As the time to leave quickly draws closer, I can see the stress on my family and friends. This weekend I have been blessed to be with Tim and Rachel in Oregon. The weather is fantastic and the communication has been memorable. This is a gift from the Lord, for sure. But, underlying it all has been the awareness that Tim is grieving the loss of time with me.

Then I received a text from Ashley, my niece, asking if there was a verse that I turn to when life is overwhelming. I read it out loud and Tim and I both said, "Jeremiah 29:11."

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope..."

I believe that down to the core of my being. But, it isn't just about me. This adventure of mine will touch family and friends too. And, this verse applies to all of us who are in contact with Him. That is a comfort to me too as I am concerned about Tim and Christy, Karen, Connie and Kelley, etc, etc, etc

Then my devotions in Psalm 66 reminded me:

Our lives are in His hands

and He keeps us from stumbling.

You have tested..

You have purified...

But you brought us to a place of great abundance. vs 9 - 12

Word of God Speak

Word Of God Speak - MercyMe
Source: www.youtube.com
Word Of God Speak by MercyMe

Friday and Saturday we packed up and moved most of my furniture and belongings. My downstairs is empty of furniture and the upstairs is in piles. As Tim left to go back to Oregon, he gave me a huge hug. There was a sigh and I began the next phase of leaving: knowing that I am really going to miss my kids, family, and friends. It is not the material things or this place that has been my home for nine years. It is people - relationships. Tonight I started picturing being all the way across the world, 12 1/2 hours time difference, and not knowing anyone. I was trying to visualize getting off the plane on July 27 and meeting people that I do not know, getting into the van, going into my new home, and trying to go to sleep knowing that I have left everyone at home.

Mother's Day is always a reflective day for me because Mom has been gone from earth for almost twenty years. With packing up and going through old photos it hit me differently this year. Then I got on Facebook and read Ashley's (my niece) thoughts and listened to/watched Luann's (sister-in-law) posting of Mercy Me's song. Everything was back in perspective: the only relationship Who guides me, protects me, and gives me peace will be with me. I will miss my family tremendously, be without my friends who support me and make me laugh, and leave the familiar behind...but I will be drawn deeper to the Lord. HE will speak!

Less Than 90 Days

God is so good! I feel at peace even tho' Bailey's home is now in question, packing is not complete and friends are coming on Friday/Saturday to move items out, and my "To Do" list is getting longer and longer. Nothing in life depends on me and that gives me comfort. He makes the plans, gives me strength, nudges others to help, and directs my decisions.

Do you ever wonder why He is so gracious? It is His nature. We are His children and He loves us more than when we have children. I have been blessed by seeing a new great-great nephew with his parents. They love and adore him. The family loves him and they even debate whose turn it is to hold him. That is how much the Lord loves us - and even much, much more. His love is unconditional. In realtity, He wants us to come to Him to ask for guidance and help. Like Paul says, "...for when I am weak, then I am strong." (II Cor 12:10)

Time is going by quickly. Chennai is warming up. The flat, classroom, and team have been assigned. There are many demands on my time. But, through it all, the Lord is good!

All In His Timing

Oh, what a wonderful God we have!

How great are His riches

and wisdom

and knowledge!

How impossible it is for us to understand

His decisions and His methods!

For who can know what Lord is thinking?...Romans 11:33 - 34a

Today, my son, Tim and daughter-in-law, Rachel, will sign papers on their first house. What an exciting time for them. Their home will have a yard, a laundry room, several bedrooms, and, plenty of room for their three cats - yes, THREE cats.

While this has been going on in their lives, I have been trying to find a good home for Bailey, my canine pal of three+ years. Then, he got sick with one of his pancreatitis bouts. A retired couple was contemplating taking him but I could not let them take him if he was going to have episodes that would stain their carpet. So, I prayed for wisdom and had the kids, family members, and several friends pray too. I needed wisdom. That evening, Tim texted and said that he and Rachel had been thinking/praying for a month or so, about taking Bailey. The decision would be decided when they found a house.

I was totally shocked and thoroughly excited, when he texted and said, "We will take Bailey!" Wow! I did not need to know God's plan. I was not even aware that Tim and Rachel were contemplating having him join their family. All I knew was that the Lord has been in all of the plans and arrangements about teaching in India. Only ten hours after people specifically prayed about Bailey's health and wisdom for me, my mind was set at ease about my precious pal. Why should I doubt that He would guide me when I asked? Why should I doubt His understanding of the importance of Bailey's future? Why should I doubt...

God knows best and His timing is always perfect. What a miraculous way for the Lord to show me His wisdom, His provisions, His timing. Every time He reveals His plan to me, I am amazed, excited, grateful, and blessed. What a wonderful, loving, wise God we have!

Leave All to Follow

While reading and studying Matthew 4:18 - 22, I realized how often people who love Jesus are asked to follow. Following Him can mean leaving all behind, like James and John who left their fishing boat AND their father. Or, like Simon (Peter) and Andrew, we leave our jobs and tools to follow Him.

Right now I am in the process of packing and giving Bailey to a retired couple. Emotionally, I have been doing a lot of grieving, which is part of the preparation. This really spoke to me as we don't see their process, just the result of getting up, following, and leaving behind...All four disciples left immediately, apparently without question, and followed Him. Something in the Lord's presence gave them peace and assurance that this was what they were to do. They had no reservations.

I want to go to India. I know that in this experience the Lord will draw closer to me. I am excited when I look ahead. I realize that there will be grief and a time when I will say, "What did I do?!!" But, His presence drives me to go. His peace is even in the grieving. His plan is always exciting when I obey. So, like Simon and Andrew, like James and John, I will get up, look ahead, and follow our loving, wise Lord.

Building Blocks

I am still focused on how I got to this place in life: moving to India. All of the pieces fit together so beautifully not only in my life but in the lives of those around me.

1. My daughter is studying anthropology and teaching English as a second language. She wants to go to another country to teach English. It would be perfect for her!
2. My son and his wife are thriving at school as well as in their stage of life.
3. My brother's church has many people from India in it and has a great ministry with refugees from all over the world.
4. My sister's family is growing and growing and growing...another great grandchild on the way.
5. One niece is completing college and wants to take a semester or year abroad.
6. Another niece is becoming a grandmother. Ouch! (Where do the years go?)
7. Two of my nephews have growing families with adorable children.
8. The church I attend is growing and their ministry is flourishing.

Everything is ready for me to leave - well, except packing and my home selling. God, in all of His wisdom, has everything and everyone in the right place in life, at the right time. His timing is so perfect. Even a year ago, this would not have been possible...but now, right now, it is the right time. Our lives impact so many people and yet God orchestrates them so that events are the right timing for all of us. Isn't it exciting when we are able to look back and see why we had to go through rough times...and then He shows us! What an awesome God we serve!

Ups and Downs

Life never sits still. It is always going forward no matter what we are doing. Each event builds on top of another. My goal was to read/study Matthew during Lent but I am going so slowly that it may take until July to complete it. But, it isn't a race.

Yesterday I was reading about the wisemen seeing the star and Herod's involvement. Besides the lesson of our actions impacting many, many others, there is the awesome reminder of how God is constantly active in each event in our lives. "God warned them in a dream..." so that they would not go back and tell Herod where Jesus was. I stayed focused on how much He leads us, prepares us, and protects each one of us.

Remember Joseph and his trust in God? "God turned into good what you meant for evil. He brought me...so I could..." Then in Romans, "we know that God causes everything to work together for the good..." And in Psalm 30, "Joy comes in the morning...turned my mourning into joyful dancing..."

Wow! In my life this has been so true! Who would have thought that with all of my mess ups and poor choices that I'd be going so far from home? Each event in my life has made me stronger, more dependent on Him, and has turned into good. God is allowing me to have this fantastic adventure and I know that He has great things in store for me. All I can say is "Thank-You for allowing me to do this!" And thank-you to all who are praying. Thank-You!

Focusing

This exciting move to India and the condition of my home (sorting and packing) can make the day to day tasks get pushed aside. Teaching is such a passion and the class I have right now is every teacher's dream class. Everyday for every student is so valuable that I need to focus before school, during school, and after school. Routines are difficult for me so keeping everything to a time schedule as far as going home is next to impossible. Yet, to be able to accomplish all that is laid out for me at school, and in my preparations for India, I must use every minute wisely...and here I am at home, sick...

Then I step back and look at every trimester when assessments are finished and report cards have been completed and I see the Lord's hand right there with me. It was as tho' time stopped, words flowed, and it all was completed on time. He has always been faithful and it will be no different now. As Paul states in Philippians 4:6 - 8: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Yes! Focus!!! "But Lord, I need to..." I will fix my thoughts on what is true: don't worry, pray, and tell God what I need. His peace will guard my heart and mind. Yes, now I will sleep.

The Beginning

As sixty years of age approaches, with little or nothing saved for retirement, I began listening carefully as others shared about their financial investments. Nine months ago a teacher was sharing how two friends of hers were going to teach in Europe. They were going to teach in an international school, the school would pay their rent, and the potential to save would be tremendous. I started investigating international schools and organizations.

After researching, I found an organization who checks out many of the schools. After getting a passport, writing two essays, getting written recommendations, gathering transcripts, my file was placed where international schools could access the information. My first self-test: I took a train to Wisconsin so that I could see if traveling alone would be comfortable. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

My next step was to pray about the location where I could be a benefit to people and a church in the area as well as meet the needs of a first grade class. At first I thought that I'd end up in Germany or The Netherlands because they generally think of religion as an institution rather than a relationship. But, God had a different plan. The Head of School in India contacted me. We emailed back and forth, talked on the phone, and met at a convention in San Francisco, CA.

At this point in my adventure, it is exciting, overwhelming, fantastic and full of a lot of little details. I can already see God's hand in this and that makes me curious as to what is instore.