A New Day, A New Month, A New Year, A New Song

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

Amen! The LORD has done that for me.  In the year 2011, I was recovering from a lobectomy, seriously reacted to the chemo drug for RCC (kidney cancer), was hospitalized for six days, had a serious infection that put me back into the hospital for four more days, and has moved me to San Jose.  I had to retire from teaching, rent out my townhome, move two states away from family and friends, and make adjustments to my physical way of life.

Despair? Depressed? Discouraged? Maybe at times but this Almighty God lifted me, set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked each day. This is for real in my life. I do look at life differently but maybe the way we should always live life. I have prioritized what is important to me:  family, friends, relationship with the Lord, praying, reading/studying His Word, writing, reading, pausing to look all around me, bringing joy to others, and encouraging anyone who is brought into my life.

 

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

This past week I have been blessed with visiting my nephew and his family in the LA area.  Every other day I was able to do things with them.  Then I would "crash" for a day and be able to get up and go again.  I even went to Disneyland!  I have been blessed with contentment for little steps or activities, and a brother and sister-in-law who will assist me.  Our Lord shows me the positive steps and makes me cherish life around me.  HE cares about me, loves me, and walks each step with me.

Many will see what He has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,

who have no confidence in the proud

or in those who worship idols.

Psalm 40:2 - 4  NLT

We all have struggles.  Some are financial, constant pain, loss of a family member or friend, or rejection.  You may have a teenager who is out of control or a friend who is making poor choices.  Someone you know may be in a coma or battling a disease. Our gracious loving Lord knows and can be trusted.  As we say goodbye to Saturday, to December, to 2011, to our troubles, trust the all-knowing, ever-present God.  There is joy in trusting Him.

Advent is About the Nativity

And there was the Baby, lying in the manger.

After seeing Him,

the shepherds told everyone what had happened

and what the angel had said to them about this Child.

Luke 2:16 - 17  NLT

The shepherds went, saw, and told others.  We can go toward Him this Christmas and see Who He is and what He is.  Just like the shepherds, we will not be disappointed.

As I am writing this it is Christmas Eve.  I am at home unable to go to church. For the first time in a long time, it really bothered me and I teared up.  My brother's family's Christmas Eve tradition is to go to their favorite Chinese restaurant and then to church.  I was really looking forward to going to both.  Last night was the play, "Christmas Carol" at the repertoire theater.  I also could not go.  My meds make me fatigued and I've had three migraines (vision, numbing, nausea) in the past week.  No energy.  Head hurts. Breathing is difficult. 

That is not where I am supposed to be or stay, emotionally.  This weekend is not about me.  This is about our Lord and all that He gave up for me - you - us.  So, instead of throwing a pity party, I need to look around at the reminders of why I wanted to go to church, why I want to celebrate, why I want to bring joy to others. It is totally because of our Lord Jesus Christ and His sacrifices.

If you are like me and did not get to do what you wanted or expected, focus on the manger, on others, on God.  Now I am glad that the others got to enjoy the play, dinner, and church. 

The shepherds went back to their flocks,

glorifying and praising God

for all they had heard and seen.

It was just as the angel had told them.

Luke 2:20  NLT

(I did get a plate of food from the restaurant. Yum!)

Advent is All About Others

During the past 2 1/2 years of my cancer battle, it has been a joy to see people "give" to me in a variety of ways. I have had to learn the art of receiving which was difficult for me.  But, once each person's individual gifts became visible, I relaxed.  Like my brother said, "This is the journey the Lord has for us too."  My reaction was, "Daaahhh!  I should know that" and not feel guilty that others are helping.  The Lord is working in their lives too.  So, when my sister and later a friend moved in, their sacrifices were huge.  Now when I look back, it was a season of growth for them as well as a blessing for me.

During Advent, how do we give to others or put others first?  As our Example, the Lord thought of us when He came in human form.  When He healed the leaper, it was His compassion for the man.  When He made the lame man walk, it was because of His love for this person as well as to glorify His Father.  When He healed the Roman officer's young servant, it was because the Lord saw His strong faith.  (Matthew 8) 

For even the Son of Man

came not to be served

but to serve others

and to give His life

as a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45  NLT

This is a time for us to focus on why Jesus was on earth, what He would like us to do for others, and how He is coming again.  Advent may be coming to a close but ADVENT, preparing for His return and our meeting with Him, is a daily choice.  Holidays are difficult for those who are alone, some who are single, those who are jobless, the homeless who are hungry and out in the cold, those who are grieving loss, and those who are sick.  Let's think of them and act.  One serves because of compassion.  One gives because of love for others.  One sacrifices because of our Example.  Remember:

For a Child is born to us,

a Son is given to us.

The government will rest on His shoulders.

And He will be called:

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6  NLT

And, He is our wonderful counselor, a mighty God, everlasting Father, and our Prince of Peace. That is why we serve:

“Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth

to those with whom God is pleased.”Luke 2:14  NLT

Advent is about Jesus, those He loves, and our giving to those around us.  HE gave, so we give.

Advent Preparations are Intentional

As I was taking my nap, I could hear whining in my room.  Maggie, my niece's dog, was in my room trying to get me out of bed.  To get there, this loving pet had purposely pushed the door open, walked down the hall, and into my room.  She had done it willfully, with the intention of having me meet her needs.  Maggie deliberately set out to get attention.

Because I have limited energy, I must be intentional about where to use it.  My doctor is intentional about keeping my blood counts stable.  My oncologist is intentional about balancing quality of life with quantity of life.  Those in the retail businesses are intentional about catching our attention and making us need what they are selling.

What is intentional in our celebration of Advent?  What is intentional in our Advent preparations?  What is intentional on our December calendars?  Yesterday, we discussed our traditions when celebrating our Savior's human birth.  People purposely choose which family traditions are giving them the focus they desire.  For me, the manger scene, music, and Luke 2 put my focus on the true meaning of this December holiday.  Some willfully give service or gifts to strangers so that they can make another person smile.  For me, single moms, homeless, or families dealing with mental illnesses are people I want to help smile.  Others deliberately decorate their yards to share their joy with neighbors and visitors.  For me, including lights, a manger scene, and an angel have been my past choices to focus on the true source of joy.

The Almighty God intentionally got our attention using all of our senses:  vision - bright star and radiant angels, hearing - angels speaking, touching - Mary putting Jesus in snug pieces of cloth, smelling - barn, cows, and sheep have their own odor, tasting - the shepherds were staying in the fields and would milk the sheep and make cheese, and emotions - excitement of what is coming and concern about no room for the baby's birth. 

That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby,

guarding their flocks of sheep.

Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them,

and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them.

They were terrified, but the angel reassured them.

“Don’t be afraid!” he said.

“I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people.

The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today

in Bethlehem, the city of David!

And you will recognize him by this sign:

You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth,

lying in a manger.”

Suddenly, the angel was joined by

a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph.

And there was the baby, lying in the manger.

After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened

and what the angel had said to them about this child.

Luke 2:8 - 14, 16 - 17  NLT

God was intentional about every detail of His Son's arrival.  The angel was intentional about calming the fears of the shepherds before making the announcement. The shepherds were intentional about sharing the good news.  We make intentional choices in our lives everyday.  What do you do differently this season that is an intentional celebration of His birth?

Advent is About Traditions

"Traditions ~ pa dum dum...
Traditions ~ Traditions"
(Fiddler on the Roof)

Advent is full of family and cultural traditions.  The cultural ones tend to be about shopping and sales. But, there are many other traditions in our culture:  putting up lights, baking, Christmas trees, Santa, snowmen, angels, reindeer, and even penguins can get in there too.  The family ones can be secular but also spiritual.

Last night, four of us drove to Vasona Park's Festival of Lights in Los Gatos, CA.  It was beautiful!  Two years ago, ten of us rented a limo van and rode through Spanaway's Festival of Lights, WA.  It was also very beautiful. The displays were bright, had moving parts, funny, colorful, and secular...but still a fun time.  I love looking at Christmas lights.

It took me back to childhood as one of our traditions was driving to look at the Christmas lights. "Back then" many neighborhoods had themes with everyone decorating. I remember one, Candy Cane Lane but there were many others in the Seattle/Renton areas.  We would go to Lake Wilderness, Fairwood, Maple Valley, and end in West Seattle at Gai's fancy, fancy house.  (He was one of the "Gai's Breads'" brothers.) The evening was a peaceful, family time. A tradition.

As a child, our tree had an angel on the top and icicles hanging on most branches.  We used the large lighted bulbs and mostly round ornaments. Grandma sent us double fudge and fruit chews which Dad carried on after Grandma died. Mom always made divinity  and Spritz cookies. Our family would go to the Christmas Eve service in Rainier Beach area and see friends and relatives. I remember it feeling like a holy time of focusing on Jesus.  Then we would come home and open our gifts. (Santa's gifts were for Christmas morning.)

As an adult and mother, we continued many of the traditions except that we opened our gifts on Christmas morning.  Christmas Eve Candlelight service and a potluck with friends became the focus of the evening.  Christmas morning was a time for gifts, games, music, and cinnamon rolls.  The larger meal was in the afternoon.  The decorations changed a little:  a manger scene, small lights on the tree, different shaped ornaments, some snowmen, but still an angel on the top.  The icicles changed to ribbons. The tree had a theme: children, school, music, or angels. Giving to friends and family expanded to giving to single moms and/or the homeless.

From a child, to an adult, married, children, single, grown children, two years fighting breast cancer, and now living with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece, some things remain the same:  celebrating Jesus' entrance on earth. No matter what the traditions, this season is still a time for me - us - to reflect on our Lord.  No matter what the economics, we can celebrate His birth. No matter what the location, we can loudly celebrate His sacrifice. No matter what is happening around the world, we can still have peace, love, joy, and hope in our hearts. 

Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them,

and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them.

They were terrified,

but the angel reassured them.

“Don’t be afraid!” he said.

“I bring you good news

that will bring great joy to all people.

The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today

in Bethlehem, the city of David!

And you will recognize Him by this sign:

You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth,

lying in a manger.” 

Luke 2:9 - 12  NLT

Advent is About the ALMIGHTY

God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. The One who is the true light, Who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.

He came into the very world He created, but the world didn’t recognize Him. He came to His own people, and even they rejected Him. But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.So the Word became human and made His home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen His glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son. John testified about him when he shouted to the crowds, “This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’”

From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.
John 1:6 - 16  NLT

Wow! The Almighty God, the all-powerful, supreme God put on flesh for us. Every time I think about this, which is daily in Advent, it amazes me that He loves me - us - people so much that He became vulnerable to rejection, pain, misunderstanding, and wasn't even recognized by most people.

Have you ever felt like you should be recognized but weren't?  I was gone from school for one year while having chemo, came back to teach the following school year, and had some parents and some students not know me.  After eleven years of teaching in that building, I had been forgotten, unrecognized...and I am not God.  Imagine being Jesus, giving up Heaven to come and be the Savior to people, and then they don't even recognize you, including your family.

 

Have you been rejected?  Most of us have in one way or another:  not making the team, not receiving an award that we thought we had earned, a spouse leaving for someone else, a parent deserting us. There are many ways in which we have been rejected.  But, we are not God.  Jesus gave up Heaven, His throne, to be the Savior, and many still reject Him. But, watch what He does:  He gives us a gift!

 

The Lord Almighty, the Word, the Creator, the faithful God, our unconditional Lover gives us a gift!  Christmas is ALL about the gift from Almighty God.  We can become HIS children...if we believe Him to be the Only Son of God AND accept Him as such.  We might be battling cancer, loneliness, or financial struggles but we are children of the Almighty God.  Wow!

 

Gifts?  Gifts?  That is the focus:  His gifts to us.

One gracious blessing after another.

Amen!

Advent Is About Our Radiant Lord

What does radiant mean? I can tell you what it doesn't mean. I am not radiant.  Today I couldn't even muster up enough energy to go to the Ralph Carmichael Big Band concert.  It would have been invigorating and I could have spent time with some people from church.  No energy. Headache. Blurry vision. Did I say "No Energy"?

 

According to the dictionary, RADIANT can be a noun or an adjective:  emitting light or filled with light.  Beaming. Bright. Brilliant. Glowing. Dazzling. Do those words make you think of anything or anyone?  Does this word make you think of Christmas?

 

The star that led the wise men was radiant. The angel announcing Jesus' coming birth was radiant. Many people think that pregnancy makes a woman radiant. Pictures portray the Baby Jesus as being radiant. All mean bright, brilliant, glowing, and joyful.

 

The Baby Jesus fills us with joy. He is radiant because He beams unconditional love. He is radiant because He dazzles us with His wisdom.  He is radiant because He brightly shows us the way to Heaven. He is radiant because He emits light on truth. Jesus is the One Who embodies love, joy, peace, and hope.

 

How does that relate to everyday? Tonight I was very disappointed that I did not get to go and hear Big Band music. Then two blessings from God came my way: a Christmas gift from Tim & Rachel and Maggie brought me the ball to play with her. Their gift is one that I can and will use daily.  God knew that Tim & Rachel thinking of me in a personal way would put a smile on my face.  God knew that sitting near the tree and the glowing fire with Maggie would be comforting to me. 

 

Thinking about the Radiance of our Lord Jesus puts a smile on my face. Reflecting on His personal touch in daily life is what Christmastime gives me.  No energy? But, it does give me time to reflect and see His personal touch in my life.  It gives me time for prayer or conversation with the Father.  Advent is about our Radiant Lord.

 

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others

—the armies of heaven—

praising God and saying,

 

“Glory to God in highest heaven,

and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Luke 2: 13 - 14  NLT



Advent Can Include Adoration

Today was the children's program at church. What a great representation of Luke 2 and Matthew 2:  Mary, Joseph, angels, sheep, shepherds, star, wisemen, donkey. The performers were young children and elementary children.  Some wanted their mothers, some posed for cameras, some smiled, and some stuck to the "script".  Five year old Mary and five year old Joseph gently wrapped baby Jesus in a blanket. The young angel smiled while she delivered the message to the shepherds. The other angels joined the angel and held their arms in the air so that parents could get pictures. Parents stayed in their seats and quietly took pictures but their children knew. Adoration toward the Baby Jesus was seen.

The sermon followed and made us focus on Jesus, the Son of God, who became human. HE can relate to us emotionally, physically, and experiencially. Jesus was rejected even by His Father (on the cross), felt true pain (on the cross), and knew loss (death of his earthly father, sometime between age of 12 and death, John 19:25 - 27).  At one point His brothers misunderstood Him. The people who knew Him while growing up rejected Him. And, He physically got tired like when He was at the well, sitting, resting. 

Reflecting on my life, it has been comforting to know that God incarnate understood me.  He had felt betrayed, alone, rejected, misunderstood, tempted, limited physically, left His home, and in pain. I don't have to say, "But no one understands all that I have given up...been through, etc."  He does! 

But why ADORATION?  I love Him because He knows me.  I love Him because He loves me.  I love Him because He has sacrificed Heaven, the Throne, and His life for me.  I worship Him because He is God. I worship Him because He gives Peace.  I worship Him because He is accessible.  I worship Him because He is Love.  I worship Him because He is my Savior.

Mary responded,

“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.

How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,

and from now on all generations will call me blessed.

For the Mighty One is holy,

and Hdone great things for me.

He shows mercy from generation to generation

to all who fear Him.

His mighty arm has done tremendous things!

... ... ... ... ...

He has helped His servant Israel

and remembered to be merciful.

Luke 1:46 - 54  NLT

O come, all ye faithful,

Joyful and triumphant,

O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem;

Come and behold him,

Born the King of angels;

O come, let us adore him,

O come, let us adore him,

O Come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.

Advent Can Be Prayerful

While reflecting on the past few days, it was obvious that my energy came in spurts. Yesterday, after sleeping until five pm, I had energy for a few little things. I was able to do a few things for others. It was a great feeling as usually people are waiting on me. The other observation was that the concert was worth the tole it took on my body. That is how I will decide which events to push toward:  no energy used prior to the event, eat healthy, plan on sleeping the following day, and enjoy.

The leading up to the concert was very exciting. All of us were looking forward to a fun evening and we were not disappointed. Straight No Chaser is a group of showmen. Very entertaining and talented singers. But, why the excitement? What were the expectations? People around us were equally as excited and most of them had seen these men in person several times. For us, it was new but we expected beautiful singing mixed with choreography and humor. An evening of laughing. The musicians did not disappoint. The excitement matched the performance.

Will Advent match the excitement? While growing up, I remember this month leading up to Christmas as very stressful. There was a "to-do" list that caused a lot of pressure. My personality is one that I will make the list but whatever doesn't get done is ok. We adjust without that being done.  (Ok, except for cleaning when guests were coming. That could add stress the kids and those around me.) Plus, I used to have the goal of getting shopping completed by the end of October.  That worked for me because decorating and baking were important...and cards.  So, did the excitement match reality?

My excitement leading up to December 24 and 25 is about people. Who will I see? What can I do to make the holiday memorable for others? How do I make the celebration center around Jesus?  Well, prayer needs to be added.

When the season includes daily prayer time, it is our invitation for God to join us. "Lord, please help me keep You the center of Advent and our celebrations on Christmas Eve and Day. I love You and want this time to be Yours."  The thought that He left Heaven for me, for us, is such an enormous sacrifice that I have to give Him center stage. Prayer is one way to do that: a specified time in my routine, or sporadic if that is your personality. Talking with Him makes me focus.

For a Child is born to us,

a Son is given to us.

The government will rest on His shoulders.

And He will be called:

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace. 

Isaiah 9:6  NLT

The song, "Move Me Closer (A Shepherd's Prayer)" by Evie Tornquist is playing. It talks about moving closer to the Lord in the manger scene. That is my prayer today and all of Advent:  "Lord, please move me closer to You. Show me how to be more like You and to live aware of Your Presence."

Advent Can Be Exciting

Have you ever wondered what children are expecting at Halloween? At Birthdays? At Christmas? If I was teaching, I would have students write about their expectations. They get so excited when a holiday is coming.

Tonight I am going to a concert and I am sooooo excited! No energy. No Energy. No ENERGY! But, I AM GOING!!!  Straight No Chaser is a men's a capella group. I have heard them and seen a video of one of their shows. They are fantastic! But, why am I excited? What am I expecting that would push me to get ready?

Advent is an exciting time but our culture tends to make it stressful:  shopping, decorating, baking, cards, mailing, entertaining.  But, put it back into perspective of what advent is:  waiting for the Savior, celebrating His earthly birth. The rest is pressure put on us by our culture. God loves us no matter what we finish or leave undone this year.

Why is Advent exciting? Well, what could be better or more important? We are celebrating Jesus' coming to Earth from Heaven, taking on human form, sacrificing all for us. Exciting? It is exciting to stop and think about how much He loves us. None of us has ever or can ever sacrifice what He did for us. Leaving Heaven??? Leaving His throne?  Leaving His place next to the Father? That is so awesome - fantastic - exciting!  I am excited because I want to be reminded everyday of His unconditional, sacrificial love for me. Manger scenes, carols, Christmas songs, children's plays, Luke 2, and some cards are reminders for me of the true reason for Advent. 

Why am I excited for the concert? What do I expect that is worth pushing my body so hard? I expect to experience lively music, humor, beautifully blended sounds, fellowship, and the making of a warm memory.  I am excited!

Advent Can Be Reflective

Making the waiting and preparation for the celebration of Jesus' birth can be personal but also reflective.  Realizing that the Lord of all is personally involved in our daily lives is exhilarating!  For me, He gave me the necessary energy to get blood tests, etc completed for Wed.'s oncology appointment. It was amazing. Where was that energy hiding?

The whole day the Lord was visible and blessed me personally. Maggie, the family dog, brought me her ball and we played together. Another Christmas tub was found and it had a collection of my books. Some of my decorations were added to the rooms throughout the house. It feels like Christmas - Advent and home!

How is REFLECTING different from making this season personal? Personal is being aware of our Lord's presence in our lives. Reflecting is taking time to write, draw, discuss, record about the day or two days. How would you describe yesterday in regards to God's Presence? Your awareness of preparing for Christmas? What brought joy? What brought peace? What showed love?

For me, it was interesting to see how I went from being depressed at how my health impacts others' lives to feeling content to feeling joyful. The circumstances did not change but my understanding of my emotions changed. Reflection turned my depression to joy.

Advent Can Be Personal

Whether moving, planning a wedding, going on a trip, preparing for surgery, or at the end of your life, it is personal. Often we think of preparations for Christmas as a group or family project: decorating, buying gifts, sending cards, baking cookies, school performances, wrapping the gifts, caroling, or setting up the manger scene.  But, to make the Advent season meaningful, it must be personal too.

I was impressed and excited when one young lady posted that she was going to read part of the Christmas story from the Bible each day prior to Christmas.  What a great example and decision!  Others are making lists and "checking them twice".  Some friends have chocolate advent calendars to open each day. All of this made me realize that I need everyday to be a personal journey with God because it is Advent.

My journey has made me more aware of death and Heaven.  I have a playlist on my iPod labeled "Heaven" as well as Christmas, Worship, Christian, Country, Classical, Oldies, Jazz, etc.  Writing to special people in my life is part of my preparation. Making sure that bank accounts, etc are set up to make the transition easy for others has taken place. Possessions and little details have been thought about.

But, what is special this month, this time of preparing for the celebration of Jesus' birth? Bible reading, being aware of blessings, daily thanking Him for His sacrifice for me, and looking at creation, life, people as daily gifts from God.  That is what I will do this month that is different than my daily routine: focus on the gift(s) that He has personally given me.

Years ago, God made a rainbow just for me. This summer He sent a "get well" balloon into the yard just for me. The birds visit the yard just for me. This bedroom is here just for me. The palm trees are visible just for me.  Music plays just for me. The laughter I hear is just for me. And, Jesus came to earth, just for me.

When we personalize all that He does and has done,

Advent becomes very special and very personal.

Celebrate His touch in your life!

Advent

Advent is a time of preparation. Transitions are a part of life filled with preparations.  After spending three weeks in southern Washington and Oregon, I have now returned home to San Jose. Emotionally it was interesting to go to Washington and emotional while returning home. Going from healthy to cancer with no energy has been a huge transition.  And, now, all of us are transitioning from Thanksgiving to Christmas time.

Jesus willfully transitioned from Heaven to Earth. He went from perfection to chaos, no enclosure to a limiting body, perfect love to rejection, Deity to human. Jesus did this for us so we use this time to prepare for the celebration of His birth. 

P - Personal

R - Reflective

E - Exciting

P - Prayerful

A - Adoration

R - Radiant

A - Almighty

T - Traditions

 I -  Intentional

O - Others

N - Nativity

From now until December 25, I want to focus on preparing for Christmas. Hopefully it will remind us that we are preparing for many things during our journey together. This whole month watch to see where God is taking you. While preparing to come home, I was trying to sleep but was frustrated due to little energy. I had wanted to make special memories with Tim and Rachel but didn't have energy to leave the house. I decided to check Facebook and saw that the verse on my News Feed from Bible was Psalm 73:26:

My health may fail,

and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever.

I love how He is involved in every minute of my life. Physical transitions. Seasonal transitions. Relational transitions. HE is my strength - our strength. Amen. Memories were made inside their house.



Focus

I am sitting in a chalet facing the ocean. Wave after wave rolls in, some with spray, some green, some meeting in the middle of a single wave. The horizon is so perfectly straight. Clouds but some faint blue sky showing through at the horizon. My camera is beside me. My iPod is playing Sandi Patty, “We Shall Behold Him”. The smells of breakfast are coming from the kitchen. The pine tree beside the window is still.

The first morning this pine tree had about five little birds flying, landing, getting food, and departing. So, for the next two mornings I have waited for the small birds to return. As I was taking pictures of the waves, a small flock of the yellowish birds flew past the window. My focus was on the waves.

It reminded me of how often my focus is elsewhere when God is waiting for me to communicate with Him. The other night I was saddened by a comment on Facebook and decided to read some verses on Bible Gateway. The verse of the day was Colossians 3:17  NLT  "And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father."   Our actions and responses must reflect Him. Wow! The loving Lord was present: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1  NIV After praying, my focus remained on Him and on what the other person needed. PTL!

Reminders of focusing on Him, on the other person, on His Word put a smile on my face. Focusing on me often robs me of the joy. There is joy if we keep our focus on Him.  (And... another flock of birds just flew by the window.  Funny!  HE is present and has a sense of humor.)

(My CT Scan showed the small tumors in my lung but they are stable - not growing.  Thank-YOU, Lord!)

Give It Back to Him

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
        The one thing I ask of the Lord—
        the thing I seek most—
        is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
        delighting in the Lord’s perfections
        and meditating in his Temple.
        For He will conceal me there when troubles come;
        He will hide me in his sanctuary.
        He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
                Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
                Be merciful and answer me!
                My heart has heard You say, “Come and talk with Me.”
                And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”   

Psalm 27:1, 4 - 5, 7 - 8  NLT

Psalm 27 is a source of strength for me.  Today, I could feel myself becoming anxious for the results of my CT Scan.  Back to my process so that I can leave it with the Lord. He is my Light: sheds light on the Truth, the future, the darkness.  He is my Salvation: directs my focus, clarifies importance, saves me. He is my Fortress: protective buildings, safe home, all around, above, beneath.  I reviewed why I don't need to worry because all of the possibilities are covered and He knows which one is real. Look at Who He is!

There are actions for me to take:  live in His house, His Presence, awareness of Him;  delight on His characteristics, His perfection; meditate in His temple, in His creation, in His Word. And, most of all, talk to Him.  He asks us to COME and TALK with Him.  Physically come to a place where we can focus on prayer, talking, and listening.  He is available.

I do not need to stress or take back the results from Him. Focus on His Word and characteristics.  Pray.  He will meet me and give me peace.  Find your place to live, delight, meditate and then talk with our loving, perfect Lord.

My Process

I had my CT Scan a few days ago but I haven't been worrying or thinking much about the results.  This time I was able to process the outcome the way I did when Tim, my son, was in Iraq.

For a mother having a child in war is a difficult time. The Lord was faithful, helped me, and gave me peace.  One thing I did was think about what could happen.  Then, I went through each scenario and thought about what the future would be like. I gave it back to the Lord and if I was tempted to take it back and worry, I'd go through the steps again.

This week, I listed what the CT Scan could show:

        1. The tumors have shrunk in size or disappeared due to the medication.

        2. The medication has kept the tumors the same size.

        3. The tumors have grown.

        4. The cancer has spread and there are more tumors in the lungs.

        5. The cancer has spread to other parts of my body.

Next, I thought about what each possibility would mean for my life. 

        1. Praise the LORD, the side effects from the medication are worth it.

        2. Same...Praise the LORD, it is worth it.

        3. With my oncologist, we will decide if there is another option for treatment.

        4. Same discussion will be needed.

        5. This discussion will be about the quality of life.

Last, the situation goes back to the LORD because it is out of my control.  While waiting, I can read verses in my Bible, listen to music, laugh, write, go up to southern Washington/Oregon to visit family and friends, use my camera to record the beauty around me, and focus on those around me. 

The Lord is my strength and shield.

I trust Him with all my heart.

He helps me,

and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7  NLT

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you which path to take. 

Proverbs 3:5 - 6  NLT

This process works for me while in limbo.  Each of us are unique and must find our own way to cope while waiting for answers.  What is your coping process?

Another Test Followed by Waiting

This has been stated several times in my blog but here I go again:  CT Scan on Wednesday to see if the medication has slowed down the growth, stopped the growth, or shrunk the tumors in my left lung. Or, is it spreading? Cancer is the focus this week.

This is my command—be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid or discouraged.

For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

Joshua 1:9  NLT

Amen! HE is with me and my focus needs to stay on Him.  I KNOW this! Then the human side kicks in and I am reminded that my body is battling an enemy that has broken through the protective walls.  Some days I can forget that battle and just deal with the energy or lack of energy. For example, today I learned another coping skill for getting up and out of the shower:  keep a cane next to the shower door and use it for balance.  (Wow!  I'm a genius!!!) 

In the middle of all of exercise of disciplining my thoughts, another blessing came: a trip up north.  I love it here and am very, very thankful to be right where I am.  But a trip?  That gets my mind off from waiting for the results.  A "God thing" is what I like to call it.  Not discouraged...I'll reconnect with other family members and the beauty around me. I love how the Lord works things out and changes settings so that we can see Him more clearly.  All Kevin had to say was: it looks like you prefer riding to flying...unless you will let the airline workers come get you at the curb with a wheelchair.  Or, is that telling yourself that you can't fly?

So, scan on Wednesday, my sister and her husband come visit on Thursday or Friday, and I will try to "catch a ride" with them on Sunday. During the wait time, I'll be up north. What an awesome God!

Psalm 31 is awesome! Take time to read it as it ends with "be strong..."

Blessings

Last night a friend asked me about the blessings that the Lord is giving me. She knows that with trials, there are always blessings. I fell asleep thinking about His blessings and His touch.  Our loving Lord has blessed me throughout my life in many, many ways:  family, friendships, finances, faith.

San Jose has been my home for four months.  It is amazing to me that I feel like I have transitioned to this as home.  When I left Kent, I left my teaching (a true love of mine), close friends, my comfortable townhome (which was "me" and held memories), my sister & nieces, visitations from Bailey, colleagues, and Kent Covenant Church.  Kent had been home for the last 16 years and the Pacific NW had been my home most of my life.

I have been blessed with a loving family here:  brother, sister-in-law, niece.  The church family here has welcomed me and supports me.  The women's Bible study continues to lead me in new spiritual areas of growth.  Sunshine. Kevin's wisdom has helped me see the physical changes in me and to see reality.  My kids have visited.  Another sister-in-law blessed me with a visit.  And, Maggie, their yellow lab, is a great companion.  The transition has been smoother and more complete than I ever expected or thought was possible.

The Lord is awesome:  personal, loving, strengthening, compassionate, understanding, and a guide.  The balloon floated by to say "Get Well".  We drove to San Francisco on a beautiful, clear, and sunny day.  The birds sing everyday and are very visible.  We each worship God in our own ways and together.  I have been blessed!

Worth the Risk?

When you receive a new medication, you also get a list of the side effects. Does it make you wonder if the chance is worth it?  In the past two years I have had negative reactions to at least six medications.  The two most serious were Neurontin - rash that stayed for months, and Sutant - a stroke like reaction that ended with me in the hospital for six days. Then there are all of the medications that cause fatigue. Dislike, dislike, dislike...but one of them is keeping the cancer growth at bay.

The drug companies have to, by law, tell us the possible side effects but the worst one, Sutant, wasn't even known.  Do those warnings make you stop and think before taking them or do you ignore them? Do you live like the teenagers, "It will not happen to me" or, do you weigh the good against the potential side effects?

For me, I have even taken one step farther: the doctor says I should continue taking a certain medication based on numbers of tests. My oncologist had a different view as she is focused on the quality of my life and battling cancer. I have to investigate on my own and weigh the pros and cons. What is the appropriate choice for me?  For my family?

I think that we do this in faith too.  God tells us what the consequences of sin are but we either ignore what He says or don't read it.  Sometimes we even say that He will protect us or show us that our choice is wrong if He doesn't want us to go down that path. But, He already has told us! We have the responsibility to read His Word, study what He has said, and obey...or do we say, "This choice is worth the consequences" or "I don't believe that."

For me, the one thing that I must live by is that there is one God.  HE is to be number one in my life.  Once I got to that point in my life, choices became easier and there was peace. Because:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

Psalm 139:13 - 17  NLT

Thank-You for Your love and guidance, Lord. I will use the abilities You gave me to carefully make choices with my health. 

HE is LORD

The past week has been quite an unusual few days for me.  Saturday, Kevin, Luann, and Ashley took me to "the City" (that is San Francisco). We rented a wheelchair and drove in the beautiful sunshine. Above the Cliff House Restaurant, there is a park called Lands End Trail. The trail starts off with a paved path and then becomes a dirt trail. Off from the main trail are stairs leading to other areas of the park. The trail has a gorgeous view of the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge, sail boats, rocks, tug boats, barges, cypress trees, and even a few boats with motors. 

This was my first outing in a wheelchair. It was fine as I was not self-conscience at all. If anyone looked at me I'd smile or say "thank-you" when they scooted over so Kev to push me past them. I truly thought that it was going to be uncomfortable but I wanted to go with them into San Francisco and I am not strong enough to walk on the trails. My desire to go out weighed my disappointment in being weak...and I was not disappointed!

Everything was so breath-taking! One has to think about Who created all of this beauty when looking into bay. Awesome!

Then came two days of no energy at all.  I slept twelve hours Saturday night and Monday I slept most of the day.  It can be discouraging but I have stopped trying to figure out the causes. If I go down that road I can come to conclusions that do not match reality: the cancer is spreading, one of the drugs must be causing it, my kidney is giving out, etc., etc., etc. None of that does any good. 

Then, I read chapter three of Out of the Salt Shaker...by Rebecca Manley Pippert, "Jesus - Lord of All." Fantastic chapter on why we give Him control of our lives:

"Besides the fact that He deserves it because of Who He is,

He knows He is the only one in the universe

who can control us without destroying us...

He will make sense out of your brokenness...

The great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us,

He makes us more ourselves than ever before."  (p 54)

The whole chapter spoke to me. He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The Lord of all is not concerned about me walking or being in a wheelchair. He is looking at me, who I am, not my new limitations, not what I can do or cannot do. So, walking on my own, using a cane, using a wheelchair, does not truly change who I am.  Day with some energy or day without any energy does not truly change who I am.

Funny thing is that I had this lesson when I was bald and again when my hair grew in very thin. His control gives me gentle, little steps that build on one another. Inward appearance, not outward. Use the tools (hats, wigs, hair cream, cane, shower bench, wheelchair). These steps in my life have purpose but of most importance is that they are with the Lord of all in control.  Again, it leads to peace.

Use the Tools

My week has gone from walking 20 minutes a day to having no energy at all.  The church retreat did not happen for me. Normal activities have been a struggle.  Friends and family have been trying for a long time to get me to use a walker, wheelchair, and/or cane.  I also was using a shower bench in Kent but wanted to push myself in my new home.  But, was I?  No, I just did things that did not take much energy. 

We are so blessed to have easy access to the Bible.  Because of that, I keep telling myself that for me to have cancer, it had to go through God's hands.  He didn't cause it but satan cannot touch us unless God allows him to.  (Remember Job 1.)  Keeping that in mind, I know that God is with me in this cancer journey.  He loves me, guides me, strengthens me, encourages me, and is present with me.  That is peace!

So, then, why do I say "no" to things that will help the quality, i.e., mobility, of my life?  ACCEPTANCE.  I must accept the need for a cane or walker or wheelchair.  I must accept that I need it.  I must be able to accept that this might be my life.  I must accept reality.  My thought had been that if I accepted these tools then I would never get stronger.  In reality, the opposite is true.  If I accept the use of these tools, I am more likely to get out, do things that energize me, and be more content.

Today, the bench went into the shower.  The cane is beside me and has been used today.  (Not my cane but one to try.) I am ready to accept that this might be my energy level so I will get going.  God knew every part of me before I was born...even the cancers.  He prepared me, strengthened me, and gave me gifts that could be used now. 

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:13 - 16  NLT

Pride set aside, gifts in place, situation accepted.  Here "we" come, cane and all.

Understanding

It is a great feeling to be "filled up".  After hearing Kev's sermon about not being anxious, I spent an hour on the deck with classical music playing, my Bible, and my journal. 

During the night my toes and feet were really cramping.  They kept me awake and so I could not make myself get up and go to church.  (Thankfully, Kevin's past sermon's are online and I was able to listen to one that I had missed.)  I generally try to figure out what is causing pain, discomfort, lack of energy, etc.  But, in the end, I don't know if it has something to do with increasing my walking, wearing/not wearing shoes, low potassium, or neuropathy.  All I really can do is make sure that I am eating foods high in potassium, observe pain to see if after walking, or if with/without shoes.  As for now, living is what I am asked to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do
and He will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5 - 6  NLT

In my Bible reading, it became even more clear that I am to be using the gifts that God has given me...now.  My energy cannot be spent on trying to figure out everything my body is doing.  I have a good oncologist and it is her job to help sort all of this out.  My energy is to be used on eternal issues.  

Between Acts 1 and Exodus, one can see that our loving Lord gives us what we need when we are told to do something.  The disciples were to wait for the Holy Spirit and Moses was to go speak to Pharaoh.  The disciples obeyed.  Moses made excuses.  Which do I do?  Or, should I say when do I obey and when do I act like Moses' early days? 

TRUST ~ SEEK ~ WATCH

"Yes" as my little nephew says.

"Yes, Lord."

Where Am I Looking?

My focus has been on myself and I don't like that.  With cancer (or any other health problem), the temptation is to have life be all about me.  My friends and I used to joke, "Oh, yes, I forgot that it was all about you/me/etc."  But, when we are ill, it is also about our caregivers.  People ask me daily, "How are you?" so it is natural to have the discussions be focused on my health. 

The first two years of this journey, I began scrap booking feelings and events.  The past year I have been making books (I use Mixbook but there are many other choices too) to help me process my emotions.  The latest project has been to make a book about the timeline of treatments and surgeries.  It was necessary so that I wouldn't be so hard on myself or the medications.  The fatigue is what is the most frustrating but the timeline has helped me see that my body has had to go through a lot:  three surgeries, chemo, radiation, hormone replacement therapy, and oral medication to fight kidney cancer.  My poor body has been battling two types of cancer and so I need to stop complaining about fatigue.  I also need to keep trying to do my part in pushing forward.

While processing the frustrations and fatigue, I am looking at myself.  It made me stop and realize that there must be a balance:  the Lord & me, others & me.  Every-once-in-a-while I am reminded to "look up" and "look around".  Even when cancer is not the journey, one needs to fight to make others the center of our lives.

One morning I was praying that I would be aware of God's Presence.  (He is always here but I do not always stop and focus.)  I walked out of the room where I had been and glanced into the living room.  There is a table with a candle in the middle and at that moment the sun began to shine right on it.  Wow!  What a blessing!  I prayed, He heard me (naturally), and responded immediately.  His love can be so overwhelming, peaceful, comforting, and strengthening.  Now I need to go back to the timeline and include all of the miracles that have been a part of this journey. 

Half Empty or Half Full?

Starting last Friday has been interesting.  I could say that it has been awful:  got stabbed in the foot with a fork, Maggie took part of my finger with the dog treat, had a migraine, stomach issues, back/side pain.  So, a bad week?

Or, I could say that I completed one Christmas gift, almost done with another, ordered gifts for several other people, and have worked on a puzzle.  I was able to Skype one evening and have received a few pictures of Hawaii sunsets.  One friend mailed a card with a picture of the two of us.  I received a gift from my Aunt Sharon.  And, was able to talk to one of the ladies from New Life Covenant.  So, a good week?

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Philippians 4:4  NIV

And Nehemiah continued, “Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!” 
Neh 8:10  NLT

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
Psalm 28:7  NLT

Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

whose lives are lived in complete honesty! 

 Psalm 32:2  NLT

We can look at the negatives...including the things that we don't have, or we can think about the positives.  I choose joy!  I have to discipline myself to do this but we can:

Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable

—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:8  NIV