Saturday, October 13, 2012

Am I Living Like That?

What do people see when they are with me? Do my words and actions point to Him? I love The Lord more than anything, more than I can explain using words. He is with me every second of every day. I owe Him everything.

The Sidewalk Prophets have such powerful songs. The one that I have referred to in the past is Live Like That. It is a very beautiful, challenging song. It always brings me back to realizing that my words and actions are to reflect Him. 

"What will people say of me, when I am only just a memory. When I'm home where my soul belongs..."  I have been blessed with knowing that my life is fragile, temporary, limited. It is true about all of us but my blessing is knowing that I am still on earth because of medications. So, I have spent a lot of time making sure that people know how important they have been to me, and, that God is with me thru this time. 

Daily reflection makes me evaluate what people saw during the day and did it point to Him. The exciting part is watching who The Lord brings into my day. Sometimes we can be aware of a person needing encouragement but other times we might not know who we have touched. Which then brings me back to what do people see...?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

HIS Glory

Have you ever been judged when something negative happens in your life? In John 9:3, Jesus was asked about the cause of a man's blindness. Who's sin: his or his parents? Jesus answered that no one sinned. There was another purpose: to glorify God.

Have you ever thought of your difficulties as bringing glory to God? Can you find places in your past where negative events have shown God's compassion, justice, love, and power? 

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and kidney cancer, two people told me to repent. One person left a long message on my phone about my sin being the cause of the cancer, which included quotes from Scripture. Another person wrote to me about the connections between sin and sickness along with sending me a Bible. Thankfully, my relationship with the Lord was strong so I knew these people were incorrect. Many blessings were visible to those around me - the beginning of God receiving the glory.

"... this happened so the works of God might be displayed in him... " 

My situation is no different from what you are experiencing. God is right there using your life to glorify Him. All of our temporary situations can be used by our loving Lord. Remember His character when facing something new and you will be strengthened - and it will give Him glory.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Grace is Necessary

Our only way to God is by His grace. Remember the "woman caught in adultery"? She was brought to Jesus and He showed her grace. "Then neither do I condemn you...Go and leave your life of sin."  (John 8:1 - 11)

Throughout life, we all sin...daily. I don't know why but I was always seen as a "goody, goody". I sinned too but apparently others didn't see my sins. So, when my marriage ended, I had a new label that was very visible. It was embarrassing and sad to see the reactions of those around me. How could God ever use me now? 

Grace. He loves me. He accepts me. And then, He gave me a new ministry:  single moms. Wow, His grace even cleansed me so that my visible label drew others to Him! Because of His grace, my shame disappeared. 

When Jesus sent the woman caught in adultery away, He knew His grace had changed her. She was told to leave her life of sin. We don't see her again in the Gospel of John so I don't have proof that she followed His directive. What I do know is how I responded to His overwhelming grace: it drew me closer to Him and made me want to please Him even more. Grace, His grace, leads to a change in us and leads us to action. 

Where has His grace taken you?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

MY Grace IS Sufficient...

After having two of the three iron infusions, I am wiped out. After the first one it took two days to feel a little more energetic. This time I am just wiped out. Tomorrow will be the test as it will be day two. Yesterday and today I have slept, eaten, slept, and listened to the news. When I am like this, there is no energy to work on the computer or with my camera.

Still the blessings keep coming: *Kevin's previous sermon wasn't online as they held their service in the park - while searching for a reputable pastor on TV, Dr. Charles Stanley was ending his sermon from II Corinthians 12. He was discussing Paul's "thorn in the flesh" and how Paul learning that in his weakness, God is strong. Wow, just what I needed right then.  *Kev and Lu had a very busy Sunday and were going from one event to another. They stopped home to change clothes and Kev came in, patted me on the legs, kissed the top of my head, and asked how I was doing. His gentle touch said, "I love you, Kathy."  *One constant blessing is Maggie, the dog. I often thank God for pets. She makes me laugh as she tries to get into rooms that are off limits to her. Then her look says, "How did I get here?"  

Hopefully tomorrow I will post more about HIS grace from the Gospel of John. For now, remember HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT for every situation.  I'll end with a quote from my great-great nephew: while celebrating his first day of preschool, he went to McDonald's. As he walked in he said, "I like this place. It's beautiful!" Words of wisdom: check your perspective. 

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Jeremiah

The Old Testament is full of wisdom and encouragement for each of us. As I study John, I take a detour to Jeremiah, Isaiah, I and II Samuel, and other OT books. This week I spent some time in Jeremiah 31. Back in 2008, our single moms' class spent weeks looking at this promised-filled chapter. 

Do you know that God promises blessings even in a barren land? Our relationship to and blessings from our Lord are not - cannot - be tied to circumstances. He is an ever-present, ever-loving, pure God. He is available to us every second of every day. 

This week, I have been in the barren land because I chose to walk that direction. The Lord kept blessing me anyway:  *My debit card had been missing and so I retraced my steps and decided that the only place we hadn't looked was behind the driver's seat in the car. (Long story so I'll skip details.) Kevin found it, but later that night someone broke into the car looking for cash, etc. but,  my debit card was safely in my bedroom!  *Two days later, my CT Scan came back with no changes since March. What a blessing! Then, *one day later, an offer was made on my town house in Kent, WA. Wow! The Lord was working and blessing me even tho' there was no growth around me. 

Why? Because HE is God, faithful, loving, active, alive. 
Not based on my goodness or deeds 
but on His Holiness. 
Praise God!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Whining

Today, is a whining day for me. Sorry, but I am tired of feeling weak, fatigued, unable to do easy, normal actions. Yesterday, I slept through my nephew knocking on the door and then slept through him calling me on my cell phone. I wasn't even strong enough to sit outside for dinner with their two darling children. 

Wa-wa-wa! What do I know? I know that the Lord loves me more than I can understand. I know that He has plans for my life. I know that many other people have it way worse than me. I know that He is my Comforter. I know that I have many blessings in my life because of cancer. I know...

...Fix your thoughts on what is true,
And honorable,
And right,
And pure,
And lovely,
And admirable.
Think about things that are excellent
And worthy of praise.
Keep putting into practice all you
Learned and received from me...
Philippians 4:8 - 9.  NLT

Ok, so if I didn't have cancer with the fatigue, I wouldn't be in San Jose to see my nephew and his family, even for a short time. If I wasn't so fatigued, I wouldn't have slowed down enough to write, or to photograph God's creation. I wouldn't be able to spend this quality time with Kevin, Lu, and Ashley. I would not have seen how the Lord designed marriage to be. So, I'll try to change wa- wa-wa to WOW!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Nothing Like HIS Peace

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.
And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.
So don't be troubled or afraid.
John 14:27 NLT

Last week was a week of growth for me. On Sunday, I was told of the potential health problems that my son would have. My first reaction was to pray and ask God to let me live and help Tim. "He needs his Mom." 

By Friday, God had worked me through to truth: when in trials, we need to depend on Him. Wow! My son needs God as He loves more than I can, knows what is best, has Tim's future in His hands, can guide, and give strength. It was an overwhelming sense of peace that came to me. I am not the one who my precious son needs. God is the One Who will surround, heal, guide, love Tim. 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
Out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
And steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Psalm 40:1 - 3a. NLT

He is so loving, powerful, compassionate, wise, and ever-present. Give whatever is stealing your peace to Him. He will give you a gift that is incomprehensible.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

What Good is That?

Turning to Philip, he asked, “Where can we buy bread to feed all these people?”
He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.
Philip replied, “Even if we worked for months,
we wouldn’t have enough money to feed them!”
Then Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up.
“There’s a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish.
But what good is that with this huge crowd?”
John 6:5 - 9  NLT


As I'm studying the Gospel of John, new thoughts and applications come to mind.  The disciples had seen Jesus heal others. He had also turned water into wine. They had daily been with Him.  And yet...

I have His Word. There have been many miracles in my life. He has been a constant Source of strength. He has shown compassion and forgiveness. I choose to spend daily time with Him.  And yet...

You have access to His Word. Hopefully you have seen His hands in your life. You can choose to spend time with Him everyday.  And yet...

One week was especially rough, physically:  a pulled muscle, anemia, nausea, headache. Then in one day, I had a nosebleed that got on a white blouse of mine, bladder issues, ending with a rough bout of diarrhea. I became frustrated and asked "how much more?" After mentioning my frustration to my wise brother, I apologized for complaining.  "Complaining doesn't do any good. Sorry." "It would be frustrating..." (So, he knows that I need to vent at times.)  And yet... 

God went before me when I found out that India was not in the plans. He orchestrated (through a dear friend) getting my job back with full benefits. The Lord held me in His arms during the roughest parts of chemo.  He carried me through kidney and lung surgeries. He was with me March, 2011, when it appeared I'd had a stroke and lost my thinking abilities. He grieved with me when I had to give up teaching. He surrounded me when I moved to San Jose.  And yet...

My - Our relationship with Christ often goes to deeper levels of understanding. Just like the disciples, every step shows us His wisdom, compassion, and power. Just like these followers of Jesus, we have said, "We wouldn't have enough money..." And, "But what good is that...?"  Step by step. Day by day. Remember He is always working in us.


Saturday, July 21, 2012

Always Working

"My Father is always working, And so am I." John 5:17. NLT
As I study John, one of my favorite books of the Bible, this verse stood out to me. It struck me about ten days ago and yet I didn't blog. Now I know why. This verse is a great reminder for those who lived through the horrors in Colorado and for all of us.

In context, the Jewish leaders were talking to Jesus about healing on the Sabbath. Jesus' reply was reminding us that the Father and Son are always working. God is good, loving, full of compassion, ever-present, merciful, listening, and our Comforter. No matter what is happening, we can talk to Him, question, grieve, cry, and later heal.
"MY FATHER IS ALWAYS WORKING, AND SO AM I."

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Reality or Wishful Thinking

Reality: I use my walker to go outside and there will be strong days and weak days. Wishful Thinking: I still find myself thinking that I can do everything that I used to do.

As we age that becomes the experience of a lot of people. Are there times when you forget your limits? I definitely DO NOT mean to stop trying new recipes, a new skill, improving on a skill or talent. At this time I am referring to physical or even financial limitations.

A friend of mine was telling me a funny story of one thing that she had done which really embarrassed her. She has been waiting for me to tell her the foolish, embarrassing thing that I did. So, here it goes:

As I stated, to get around outside I need a walker. While sitting in bed, I think I can do anything...until I stand up. One day, a deal for a Razor Scooter was in my email and I thought, "I want to try that!" (Yes, laughing is allowed.) Well, I ordered a nice red and silver razor scooter. WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!! I can loose my balance just walking a few feet or turning around. Reality? Hardly.

The beautiful scooter is here and we haven't even taken it out of the box! Everyone has had a great laugh, but, I don't even know who can safely use it. It's too dangerous for me to give it to my nephews or nieces because I don't want them to get seriously hurt. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

What can I learn from this? Probably many things but two main points come to mind: laughing at myself is good - we all need to do some laughing; accept limits. My physical limits, and even financial limits, are real. There are skills which are gone, freedoms I've lost, and changes that we all need to make - one day at a time. Now, it is time to replace those losses with the gains in my life. Adjusting and adapting is part of being alive.

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5 - 6 NLT

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

God is Good

After accepting that negative feelings are part of being human, I have moved forward. The past two days I have gone back to looking at the "half full glass". (Mine is really quite full!) Here is a list of the events and places I have experienced:

. Traveled to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, Columbia as a Campfire Girl - cruise ship

Flown to South Carolina to see my son graduate Boot Camp

Traveled many times by car to Wisconsin and Minnesota

Traveled by train from Seattle to St Paul, MN

Took a road trip with my siblings, two nieces, and a great niece

Have been to the Grand Canyon

Have been to Disneyland

Went to Florida as an evaluator of several schools

Lived in Minneapolis, Seattle, Kent, Eden, ID, and San Jose

Camped in most of western WA state parks

Explored southwestern WA, Oregon coast, Leavenworth, Victoria, Vancouver, Las Vegas,San Antonio, San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco

Have been to 16 states and three countries

There is beauty in all places. As a child while traveling through Montana, Dad would point out the beauty all around us. As a child, it felt like a long, boring state. As an adult I found beauty of all kinds. Perspective! There will always be activities that we won't be able to do and places we cannot go. But, in life, we change expectations and activities according to the "I Cans". For me, the world of birds has broadened and I don't want that to stop.

Psalm 116:1, 5, 6 (NLT) I love the Lord because he hears my voice... How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Back to the Onion

Everyday can bring so many new thoughts and experiences for each of us. It could be the seasonal changes, a new awareness in your neighborhood, an event mentioned in the news, or a photograph.

One lady on Facebook has been posting beautiful pictures of colorful things. Sometimes it is a display of colored cups or a mosaic sidewalk with beautiful colors or a building of multiple colors. Several ideas for photographs came flooding into my consciousness. I'd like to try some of those...do you know how much energy it takes to use a camera? Well, let me just say it was't happenin' anytime soon.

Three years ago a friend and I climbed up the path of Beacon Rock in southwestern Washington. It was beautiful!!! We had so much fun. Looking at a picture that she took of me with a beautiful view as the background I realized that I won't be doing that again. Another layer of awareness and acceptance is falling off my onion. At first it made me sad until I thought about my brother's sermon last week. It was about resisting God's plan in our lives. It is a constant part of being human.

Usually I jump to the positive within a very short time. This month it is taking me longer. The other day, while waiting for my laptop to do what I wanted, I became very irritated. I mentioned this to Kevin and said that I don't know where my resistance is but I have very little patience left. So, we talked about my emotions. I don't like to be negative, impatient, or grumpy. That's not me - or at least who I perceive myself to be. It's a struggle for me to accept that those feelings are ok. I know that they are ok for others, but not for me! Hah! So, I have been resisting the emotions that I feel. It probably takes more energy to fight these emotions rather than acknowledge them and work through them.

Do you feel like you block your own feelings or do you feel like you react to things but can't understand why your words just hurt someone? Your intentions were pure. Or we're they? Maybe you have your emotions figured out but are resisting something else that is part of aphis plan. Look at it through your "glasses of faith" and see if you can trust. My goal is going to be to listen to my emotions, accept that I am human, and work through them. What is your goal?

Friday, June 8, 2012

Listen

Mockingbirds can be noisy birds but I never tire of hearing them.  Their songs vary and are quite interesting.  There is a family of at least three that visit the trees in the backyard. It is fun to pretend what they are saying to each other.  The conversation can be fifteen minutes long. 
Listening to these intriguing conversations made me think about what God hears in our conversations.  Does He listen to noise or beautiful sounds?  Does He like what He hears or is it clutter?  Like a "mocking"bird, do we repeat negative words or do we choose positive, kind words? We choose what sounds or words come out of our mouths.  I do not know how much thought goes into the sounds a bird copies but we are gifted with guides and a brain. 

 
When I am falling asleep at night, I try to have my last thoughts be praise and prayer needs for others. Occassionally, a quick thought or inappropriate word flashes and I quickly ask for forgiveness.  I used to say, "Lord, did You hear that?  Where did that come from?"  Then, I stopped saying that because He naturally can hear it and I really don't want Him to hear inappropriate, negative words.  He is Holy!  So, now I immediately ask for forgiveness. 

 Indeed, we all make many mistakes.
For if we could control our tongues,
we would be perfect and
could also control ourselves in every other way. 
We can make a large horse go wherever we want
by means of a small bit in its mouth.
And a small rudder
makes a huge ship turn
wherever the pilot chooses to go,
even though the winds are strong.
In the same way,
the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.
But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.
And the tongue is a flame of fire.
People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish,
but no one can tame the tongue.
Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father,
and sometimes it curses those who have been made
in the image of God.
And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.
Surely, my brothers and sisters,
this is not right! 

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure
...peace loving, gentle at all times...
willing to yield to others...mercy.       
James 3:2 - 6a, 7 - 10, 17  NLT

I love these verses because they are so visual, but the part that I remember is the wisdom that says we praise and curse with the same tongue.  One of my nieces wrote a paper for a college class about cause and effect, specifically about the earthquake in Japan.  It was impressive to see how her prayer life and God's Presence just flowed through her words.  God must have been smiling at what He was hearing.  Just like the beauty of the mockingbird's song, this young lady talked about the fear of waiting to hear from her friend who lives in Japan. Prayer was her choice.  I will copy the sweet sounds of the life around me.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Peeling My Onion

The analogy of an onion being like grief is very visual to me.  At one point last week, I wanted to write about how big or thick my onion must be - it has so many layers to peel.  But, don't we all?  In the past three years I have learned so much about myself, family, friends, letting go, and acceptance. 

It has almost been one year since I said "good-bye" to teaching, my town home, the church where I had attended, my medical team, and all that was familiar to me.  I had stopped driving during the first two years of this tug-of-war with cancer.  Playing the piano, writing, and drawing were difficult because of neuropathy in my fingers (from chemo).  Living alone was not happening anymore.

Then, in the fall, the cane came into my life.  It has been a great tool for me as my balance is not good.  For about a month or six weeks, I have hardly left the house due to fatigue or weakness.  How ridiculous!  There are tools for that!  After pealing more of the layers from the onion, it became a necessary decision to get a walker, wheelchair, or scooter.  Friends were able to offer their suggestions and explained their thinking.  It was very helpful. 

Like my cane, I chose a "fancy" walker because I plan on using it a few years.  It has a seat, brakes, cup holder, and bags for carry-a-longs.  There is even a spot for my cane.  Kevin is so giving and careful to prevent a fall that he has gone on walks with me.  (He says that I still need a walking buddy to make sure that I am steady with it.  Then I can take it out around the neighborhood alone.)  After grieving the loss of specific freedoms, I am now very excited about my walker.

We peel one layer off the onion, tears come, we accept it, and move forward.  Another change or loss and we peel another layer off of the onion, tears come, we examine it, accept it, and move forward.  Whether the change is in moving, a new job, physical limitations, a new stage in life, or loss of a loved one, God is there, helping us peel the layer from the onion, holding or steadying us through the tears, and showing the joy on the other side of acceptance. 

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?
Since He did not spare even his own Son but gave Him up for us all,
won’t He also give us everything else? 
Romans 8:31 - 32  NLT

Our view of "everything else" might have to change some but He is God, Almighty, and Love.  Now, for me, my goal is to play the piano everyday.  It takes energy!  I can play at an easier level for 15 minutes and it is a delight!  Peel the layer, grieve, accept, change expectations, and mover forward.  What will you do to move forward?



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Live Like That

There is a group, Sidewalk Prophets, who sings "I Want to Live Like That". It is a very powerful song and this weekend was like that for me. We had house guests for the weekend who are bright lights for the Lord. A single lady and her 19 year old daughter. They have so much joy, and are the type of people who energize others.

Desiree adopted Uminda from an orphanage in Uzbekistan for children with physical impairments. Uminda is was a triathlon in the para-Olympics but injured her back before the 2008 Olympics in China. Now she is trying for London in swimming. Her Mom found out that she has MS just a few years ago. The exciting part of spending time with them is hearing how the Lord has been working in their lives. They are both down to earth ladies and so comfortable to be with them.

Someone asked Desiree how she copes with the disappointments while in Uzbekistan or here in the US. Her answer was one that I have said, "I know that I am where I am supposed to be." That is what the Sidewalk Prophets sing: Live Like That, knowing that you are where God wants you to be. If we live like that, we know that all details are worked out because HE is with us. It does not mean that the journey will continue in the same direction we plan but each dip in the road we know Who is in control.

You know what I am going to say
Even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place Your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
Too great for me to understand!

Psalm 139:1 - 4

Friday, May 18, 2012

Emotions

This afternoon has been an interesting, emotional roller coaster. After about ten days of dealing with a sinus infection, I am on the mend. WooHoo! (It really knocked me out.)

The day for me started with reading part of the first chapter of Philemon. Paul is writing to Philemon about how thankful he is for his love, generosity, and knowledge of Jesus and His people. It made me think about how connected our knowledge and experiences are tied to our relationship to the Lord, which is connected to prayer, Bible reading, and worship.

When sick, I do not always read my Bible, worship, or spend a lot of time in prayer. I sleep. So, getting back in a routine is exciting to me. My mind went to the generosity of friends while living in Kent. One of my dear friends gave me a book with statements about cancer and all of the emotions. When You Need to Know Your Strength by Melvina Young. On one of her entries was the following statement:

Standing at this threshold is scary
Because you don't know
What's behind the door.
But the people who love you
Are ready to take your hand
And walk through with you,
Whenever you are ready.
I could see my loyal friends helping me with everything. Yes, everything! (So did family but I am focusing on my friends in this post.) They were going to walk every step of this journey with me, but I moved to California. I just realized that it probably felt like I had abandoned them! Wow! But, what I see in their lives is God thanking them and blessing them for the two plus years my health often dictated their lives. Three of my friends have become grandparents. One has a renewed friendship with her sisters, daughter, and grandchildren. All have been given a new safety group for Bible study. These are joys because they selfishly, lovingly, and generously obeyed Him. I knew that this peaceful home I've been given is a gift from God, but He allowed me to see that each person in this journey has also received His gifts.
I always thank my God when I pray for you, Philemon,
because I keep hearing about your faith in the Lord Jesus
and your love for all of God's people.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

One Year

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

Last year, I had healed from lung surgery, a serious reaction to medication - six days in the hospital, and healed from an infection that had spread to my blood stream. It was a physically draining time. The decision was made for me to move to San Jose, CA and live with my brother and sister-in-law.  After retiring from teaching and renting out my town home, my belongings were given away or packed up again.  In May, I visited San Jose to see my niece graduate from SJSU and check out the bedroom.  June was my last appointment with my oncologist, family in Washington, church family, and friends.

Those verses from Psalm 40 were how I felt when the decision was made to say good-bye to my life of 30+ years.  After two years of battling cancer, God lifted me up, my feet were steadied.  The solid ground was with Kevin and Luann. 

The change was stressful with a lot of grief. To get to the peace and joy, the grief was necessary.  Now, I can say that where I am and have been is a gift from the Lord. 

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what He has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

He gave me a new song and now I need to take action:  sing.  Sing praises to God for all that He has done.  Trust, TRUST, TRUST!  Our loving Lord is faithful. He listened, heard, and acted. It is fantastic to look back over the past year and see His faithfulness...step after step.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,   
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them. 
 Amen!

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that You have made me listen, I finally understand
    You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
for Your instructions are written on my heart.Psalm 40:1 - 8  NLT

I do have a new song because He is so loving and faithful. 
He knows what is best.
When we know Who is in charge,

we have peace no matter what the circumstances.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Worry for Nothing

As I continue the journey into the past, there have been feelings that I had forgotten.  For one thing the unknown is often worse than when the future becomes the present and then the past.  I forgot how afraid I was about radiation.  It definitely was not as bad as I expected.  Others have had a horrible time because of the location of their cancer.  Mine was not bad.  But isn't our worry usually worse than the actual event?

Don’t worry about your personal belongings,
for the best of all the land of Egypt is yours.’ Gen 45:20  NLT

Belongings are just that:  things.  What could be better than the gifts from our Heavenly Father?

Now don’t worry about a thing, my daughter.
I will do what is necessary,
for everyone in town knows you are a virtuous woman.  Ruth 3:11  NLT

A new situation for Ruth, new country, new life ~ do not worry!

And don’t worry about those donkeys that were lost three days ago,
for they have been found I Sam 9:20a  NLT

Often solved before we are even aware of the problem.

Don’t worry about this Philistine,” David told Saul.
“I’ll go fight him!”
... The Lord who rescued me from the claws of the lion and the bear
will rescue me from this Philistine!”  I Sam 17:32, 37  NLT

Past experience and protection from the Lord showed David that he would be protected.  That has been true in my life:  the Lord teaches me something from His Word in a less serious situation.  Then, He let's me see His work again, in something more difficult.  He has "proven" Himself faithful in everything...EVERYTHING.  That is why there is peace now even tho' everything about my health is unknown.


Be still in the Presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for Him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.  Psalm 37:7  NLT

He will answer our needs, give us protection and joy in new situations, find what is lost, rescue us when we follow Him, and HE WILL ACT! Trust HIM.  HIS timing is perfect.  We only see a little and He sees the big picture.

Look and review when and how He has shown you His love and faithfulness.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Visiting the Past

What a new trip I am putting myself on:  going thru my blog from the beginning of 2009. My sister had suggested that my kids might want a copy of my blog.  Well, the last two days have not been very good physically.  Neuropathy has popped its ugly head out. Between the pain in feet, balance issues, weakness in legs, pain in hands, and numbing in spots, I have not done anything except sleep, eat, drink, use the restroom. Tonight I have begun to cut and paste my blog starting when I was planning to teach out of the country.

Reading each entry as I cut and pasted, has really made me relive all of the events:  packing, giving things away, emptying the bottom floor of my town home.  Then there was the excitement of being chosen to teach in India. What an exciting time and one of learning to say good-bye.  With ten days until I would be going overseas, cancer was confirmed. 

I have been so blessed and can see even more ways that the Lord prepared family, friends, and me for the "real journey".  We've practiced saying good-bye, seeing how the Lord was potentially filling in the voids, and experiencing change and the stages of grief.  Each of us, in our own ways, has learned how to accept what comes into our path. 

Tonight, this is going to be short but as the week goes on, I will come back and say more about this process of seeing the Lord's hand in every step.  He is good!



Tuesday, April 17, 2012

What Do You See? Hear?

When I was living in Kent, I'd sleep with the window open and listen to the springtime birds chirping. It was a great way for me to feel alive, feel joy, and feel energy for a new day.  One morning turned from beautiful sounds to noisy crows.  I got up and looked out the window and saw about a dozen crows begin attacking one crow. That bothered me for a long time, but I then decided that the crow was probably injured.  It was interesting how one crow sat up on the roof and called for other crows to come. Then, together, they "attacked" the lone bird.  I guess that it is all part of the "circle of life".

Now, in sunny San Jose, I can hear and see many interesting birds:  mockingbird, mourning dove, hummingbird, crow, hawk, geese, seagull, and various types of sparrows.  Each one has its own unique sound. It is beautiful and very fascinating to watch them go about their day.  Alone, in pairs, or a small flock, the interactions with other birds, the wind, or insects can be time consuming. Many fictional stories can be written about these encounters. 

Then, just like in Kent, a crow did something that I did not want to see:  he stole an egg from the nest of a mockingbird.  This noisy chasing happened over the course of a few hours. The mockingbird would fly close to the crow like it was playing tag. Then the crow would swoop around and be gone. A while later, the smaller bird would fly by and then you'd see the crow.  After a lively afternoon, the crow flew by with something in its mouth and the mockingbird right behind it, still "yelling" at the thief.



And then you see the wings, large and beautiful. It soars through the air alone or in a flock.  This aggressive bird communicates with others of the same species.  The uncomfortable behavior of this survivor is in its interactions with other creatures.  Is that what God sees when we interact with others?  Does He hear us yelling at a stranger or cursing at a family member?  What does He see when He sees you and me?  What does He hear when He listens to us?

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable,
and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice
but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful,
and endures through every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:4 - 7  NLT


(If you are reading my blog from outside of the United States, would you please leave me a comment:  where are you, how did you find my blog, what is your situation?  I am just curious.  Thank-you!)






Sunday, April 15, 2012

What is Good?

Blood tests were good.  CT Scan showed no change, which is good. (Tumors have remained the same sizes without any growth.)  The visit from my nephew, my great nephew, and my great niece was very good.  Appointment with my oncologist was good as she continues to get my thinking into reality. (Kidney cancer has no cure.  I will not be "healthy" like I want. Target medications that stop the growth of the tumors all have side effects.)  Plus, my brother tries to remind me of reality vs desire.  Both are trying to help me accept where I am.  Grieve what is gone and use the tools and adaptations that will make my life be as productive as I desire.  (Accept - not settle - there is a difference.)

"Good" is a matter of perspective in the same way that "God is good" has a lot to do with our willingness to see Him at work.  We use phrases like "Good News" and "Good Shepherd" and "God saw that it was good" and "every good and perfect gift comes down from God our Father".  How do we know what is "good"?  Micah tells us:

...the Lord has told you what is good,
and this is what He requires of you:
to do what is right,
to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8  NLT

Our Bible tells us so...we - I - need to pick it up and read it so that we - I - know what is good, where to look for God in our lives - my life, and how to measure good vs evil. 

How do I know what is a "good" attitude when it comes to my health?  As you know, one of my very favorite passages is Philippians 4:8 - 9:  "Fix your thoughts on what is true... honorable...right...pure...lovely...admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."  If I read my Bible everyday, talk to God throughout each day, use mercy as my yardstick for treating others, and discipline my thoughts and actions, it will become clear to me. 

It is true that I have kidney cancer (or that you are single, childless, jobless, at war, far away from home, misunderstood, in pain, etc.).  It is true that there is no cure at the present time.  It is true that my activities are limited by fatigue, neuropathy, breathing.
It is true that I will not be teaching in a classroom again.  It is true that I will be living in San Jose and not in my townhouse again.  It is true...it is true...it is true.  But, it is also true and worthy of praise that God meets me daily.  He loves me.  He has a plan.  He knows the plan.  He guides me.  He has prepared me for this point in my life.  And, most of all it is true that He is good.  "Think on these things" and I will be doing the same.






Thursday, April 5, 2012

Tired

My body is so tired today...and yesterday.  It is worn out from all of the fighting of this disease and the affects of the medications - past and present. My son's comment has been, "But you still have a good attitude."  That is 100% the Lord. 

As I looked up the word "tired" in the concordance, Isaiah 35 was listed.  As I began reading it, there seemed to be a lot of hope and encouragement.  This visual passage made me think about Heaven and Maundy Thursday, the Thursday before Easter or the day before Good Friday.  Maundy means commandments (humbly serving His disciples, remember His sacrifice).

Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days.

The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses.
Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers
and singing and joy!
The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon,
as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon.
There the Lord will display His glory,
the splendor of our God.
     With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,
     and encourage those who have weak knees.
Say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, and do not fear,
for your God is coming to destroy your enemies.    (Evil, Cancer, Diseases, Hate, Prejudice, Poverty)
He is coming to save you.”

What hope:  an abundance of flowers, singing, joy. As I looked out into the backyard and saw all of the yellow flowers, pink blossoms on the fruit trees, I thought "Lord, I'd like to see one more year of seasons." And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind
and unplug the ears of the deaf.
The lame will leap like a deer,
and those who cannot speak will sing for joy!
Springs will gush forth in the wilderness,
and streams will water the wasteland.
The parched ground will become a pool,
and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land.
Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish
where desert jackals once lived.

More hope and promises:  healing, springs, streams, pools. Needs will be met and water will be in abundance. Thirst will be satisfied.  WooHoo!

And a great road will go through that once deserted land.
It will be named the Highway of Holiness.
Evil-minded people will never travel on it.
It will be only for those who walk in God’s ways;
fools will never walk there.
Lions will not lurk along its course,
nor any other ferocious beasts.
There will be no other dangers.
Only the redeemed will walk on it.Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.
They will enter Jerusalem singing,
crowned with everlasting joy.
Sorrow and mourning will disappear,
and they will be filled with joy and gladness. 
Isaiah 35:1 - 10  NLT

The Redeemed will walk the Highway of Holiness without fears because we have been ransomed. This brings us back to the events that we celebrate the next four days.  And then, we will be crowned with everlasting - ever - lasting - never ending joy! All of our sorrow and mourning will be gone.  Sounds like Heaven to me. 

I may be physically tired but my relationship with our loving, merciful, compassionate, forgiving Lord is strong...because He strengthens me daily.  Think on these verses and we will come back to them tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

In Awe

There are times that I turn over in bed or look out the window or look at pictures of creation or look at pictures of smiles, and I am reminded of our loving God. I have a hard enough time taking a picture of beautiful birds and He created them! How did He do that?

For three weeks I was blessed with visiting Renton/Kent, WA, Centralia/Salkum, WA, and Salem, OR.  Many good friends visited and it was a great time with family:  games, laughter, and fantastic discussions. A few of the discussions were about the Lord, the Creator, God. Wow! It was so exciting and I was so in awe of how our Father was working. He does answer our prayers whether it be for others, doors opening, or ourselves...and it doesn't get old. Joy comes every time I see Him at work in others. 

One of the times of joy was when Tim and Rachel drove me to the airport to fly home. We tried to say Bible verses that we knew. It was so exciting to see that they had many verses memorized! The Lord allowed me to see that they do have a Biblical connection. He is definitely preparing me to rest and be at peace. My adult kids will be fine no matter what His timing will be.  I am in awe of His personal relationship with each of us.

       God’s way is perfect.
            All the Lord’s promises prove true.
            He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
       For who is God except the Lord?
            Who but our God is a solid rock?
                                                                                                      
                                                                       Psalm 18:30 - 31  NLT

Friday, March 16, 2012

HIS Promises

My "birthday buddy" and her sister have been told to get her "end of life respite care". (She is my children's aunt.) Thankfully, her daughter and grand kids lives near her, siblings and nieces are on their way to visit, and she is surrounded with love and prayers. This lovely, single mother has been a hard worker her whole life and, as cold as this sounds, she will be at peace. My prayer is that she is comfortable and that they can relive beautiful, loving, and fun memories.

My beautiful - inside and out - niece, Jamie, shared this passage with me at dinner last night, Isaiah 45:2 - 3 NLT                            
This is what the LORD says:  

I will go before you, Cyrus,
and level the mountains.
I will smash down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
And I will give you treasures hidden in the darknesssecret riches.
I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.

Can't you hear the Lord saying this?  It is full of hope and promise. It is full of love and compassion.  It is full of wisdom and knowledge. In these two verses, Isaiah was talking to captives in Babylon, but I think that God was also talking to us - to me - to my birthday buddy. Many times in Scripture, we are told that God goes before us; He makes the path level; He removes barriers; He blesses us.

Our Sovereign Lord does this for us in life and in death. We mourn because of the pending separation. We mourn because of the unexpected events surrounding death. We mourn because of the unknown.  We mourn. As Christians, we have hope: the hope of our salvation, the hope of His Presence at all moments, the hope of Heaven.

I will go before you.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Joy of the Lord is Strength?

And Nehemiah continued,
Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks,
and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared.
This is a sacred day before our Lord.
Don’t be dejected and sad,
for the joy of the LORD is your strength!”
Nehemiah 8:10  NLT

This is a verse that many of us have memorized but does it help? When we are discouraged, how does the joy of the Lord strengthen us? How does it strengthen cancer patients, those going through a separation, those grieving a loss?  It sounds great but what does the "joy of the Lord" look like?

Some of us would say that the joy comes from our salvation, God's love, His provisions, His protection, His wisdom.  When we think of those, there is joy. If aware of our limitations and temporary life on earth, His salvation can bring peace which leads to joy. When lonely or rejected, His loving arms can bring acceptance and warmth which leads to joy. When our path curves and we can't see what is ahead, His wisdom can bring comfort which leads to joy.

How does joy lead to strength? According to Cancer Centers of America, "Addressing your psychological well-being can help you feel more relaxed and in control, cope better during treatment, overcome anxiety and depression, and enjoy life." So, for today, we will think of joy as an emotion that leads to relaxation and one that can help overcome anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression do rob us of energy. If we keep our anxiety and depression under control, then we can gain strength. One of my favorite passages is Philippians 4, especially verse 8:
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.
Fix your thoughts on
what is true,
and honorable,
and right,
and pure,
and lovely,
and admirable.
Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Our thoughts can be controlled, self-disciplined.

Joy can strengthen us when it limits depression and anxiety. For me, I focus on God's sense of humor. One example is when I have my camera, usually there aren't any hummingbirds in our yard. When I go inside, several hummingbirds will be flying near the trees. "Funny, Lord!" It is my way of remembering that He is present and likes to make me laugh. It does give me strength.

Where do you see our loving Father's sense of humor? In creation? In communication with others? In your situation? "Think on these."


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Discouraged?

Study this Book of Instruction continually.
Meditate on it day and night
so you will be sure to obey everything written in it.
Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.
This is my command—
Be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged.
For the LORD your God
is with you
wherever you go.
Joshua 1:8 - 9  NLT

This is exactly where I was today:  discouraged, confused, disappointed. My trip to spend three weeks in the Pacific Northwest begins this Saturday. I will be with friends and my daughter  in Kent/Renton area for a week, in Ethel/Salkum/Chehalis area for a week with my sister's and niece's family, and in Salem, OR the last week with my son and daughter-in-law. My energy level is so low that I don't know how this will happen.

Yesterday, I felt this way and then Kevin, and later, Luann, talked with me about my concerns. That made me realize that I could go and people would need to come my way to visit. Tonight, Kevin talked with me - and listened - and I am no longer discouraged. He can see the patterns in my low evergy times better than I can.  I don't step back and look at the broader picture. I am not getting worse, the lack of energy just seems to cycle. 

In my head I can easily get stuck on thoughts of the cancer spreading to my brain. That has been one place I'd like to stay cancer-free. A few days ago, I realized that God is there too, so do not waste time worrying about it. As simple as that sounds, it actually helps me to remember His constant Presence. 

Cancer, along with many events and stages in our lives, can be uncertain, a path that turns ahead so that we cannot see what is coming. That is where my faith - your faith - needs to be. Study (before the crisis). Meditate (before the uncertainty comes). Obey His Word (before the path is dark). Then we can be STRONG. We can be COURAGEOUS. We will be FREE from WORRY. We will already know and trust the Almighty God. All of it goes through His gentle, loving hands before it touches us. He has proven Himself trustworthy!

Study His Word...see how God works and what He promises
Meditate on His Word...let His character fill your mind
Obey His Word...He gives us safer, more joy-filled, peaceful ways to live