Another New Phase

Today I met with my oncologist to go over the results of a PET Scan and CT Scan. In a few days I will also have a MUGA Test which is to observe the heart. The two reports showed something on one of my lungs. It could be pneumonia or the kidney cancer has spread. Both are treatable because they were discovered early.

Last week one of the oncology nurses asked me what I felt I had learned this past year. We had been discussing spiritual growth. I told her that I wasn't sure...but a few days later it dawned on me that what has been a reoccurring theme has been to trust God because He has a plan. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for my life. He has a plan for those around me too. That is where my peace comes from...He loves me more than any person is capable of loving. He knows what is best. That is peace!

Plastic or Glass

It takes a friend or sister to see where the improvements are. When you live with cancer treatments daily, sometimes it is hard to see baby steps that have been made. I know that for me, radiation has been a lot easier than chemo. The side effects of radiation will go away about two weeks after treatment has ended. Chemo effects can take months or a year or can last forever. But when new side effects happen a person can forget that this is temporary and easier than other body changes.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was telling me how great it was to see that I can use the heavier glasses when drinking. All winter and part of spring, I needed to use plastic glasses because of the neuropathy in my hands. I couldn't lift the heavier glasses so we switched to plastic glasses.

Another friend was thrilled when I was able to move the garbage can outside by myself. My son was impressed that I walked to the top of the hill in my complex. Another friend was excited to see that I could go and get the mail without loosing my balance. All of these seem silly, or like baby steps, but to me, when reminded, I'm moving toward self-sufficient living. Others, including my sister, have been excited to see that driving is now possible for me. Fantastic!!!

The questions I am pondering now are: how do these changes impact the way I live now? How do these little steps make me a better friend? How does seeing small improvements help me be a better teacher? What am I learning that will help my children with life lessons? How will the end of these side effects make me grow into a better sister or aunt? I believe that everything that happens to me goes through God's hands first and has a purpose. I might not have the answers to future wisdom that will come from my experiences but there is a reason for all of the baby steps.

Radiation and Strength

I have completed eleven days of radiation with 25 to go. With the type of cancer I have/had, this is the easy part so far. (Not everyone has it this easy with radiation. It all depends on the location of the cancer.) I do get tired after it and have the beginning of a sunburn but all of that is temporary.

After writing that, it made me realize that everything in life is temporary. Most of it depends on our attitude. Three days this week I started my day by reading Psalms 66 and 67. My attitude was so positive because my focus wasn't on me. Then I changed my wall hanging from reminding me that I can hide under His wings to Is 40:31

Those that wait upon the Lord

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary,

they shall walk and not faint.

For me that is really important to remember. Strength is what I am wanting. Isn't everyone needing strength for each day and situation? Teachers are needing strength to get through the demanding part of the school year. Those entering the work force need strength because they are not used to getting up that early. Parents of young children need strength because their sleep is scheduled by the little blessing. And, do I need to say anything about parents of teenagers??? We all need strength and our focus needs to be on the Lord. It will come in His perfect timing. We just need to trust.

Roller Coaster Emotions

I fell asleep at a "normal" time tonight. All of a sudden something fell in the house and I woke up. Then my emotions went to: "I don't want to do this anymore! I want my healthy life back." Now how did I get here??? So many steps forward and then one big one backwards.

Last week I started radiation treatment. It will be for six+ weeks. There are very few side effects, if any. The negative is that I have to go Monday through Friday. That part feels intense because I have no control over my schedule for the next six+ weeks. And, as I have stated in the past, there will always be reminders that I have had and survived cancer. That is very positive except that the dr. appts. will be at regular intervals for the rest of my life.

These feelings are probably very normal but it makes me feel as if I am whining. There are so many things that are worse than stage two, aggressive breast cancer. I have the best doctors and chemo nurses that there are. I also like my radiology oncologist and the technicians. Everyone is so supportive, kind, loving, and insightful.

After whining and praying for a few hours, I will move to being more thankful. Just before my first radiation treatment, my brother sent me a text:

"Make sure you tell your good cells

that the nuke is coming

so they can take cover behind any guys

thinking of changing teams.

Just a strategy.

Quiet warfare is my business."

His compassion, love, and understanding was fantastic along with his sense of humor. And this was just the first of four of his silly texts. Each one made me laugh which is always great medicine. The people beside me laughed and laughed too.

I need to be allowed to whine and to grieve but I cannot stay there. That's why there are promises in Scripture, songs full of hope, family, and friends. Now all is better. Good night!

Plans and Grief

Last week two things helped me move forward in my life: the MRI and CT scan showed no cancer...and I will be teaching at Emerald Park again! Fantastic news! Each day my strength is increasing and my mind is getting more clear. The Taxel is getting out of my system. I will still have radiation for six weeks but it does not have the same type of side effects. And, I am still bald but I do have fuzz. lol

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope..."

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

This verse is so full of hope even if the MRI would have shown a tumor...but it didn't. It gives such peace because I know that whatever comes my way or has come my way, it is in the Lord's loving hands. This knowledge has helped me over the past ten months along with Psalm 91:4 which assures me that I can find refuge under His wings. He has always been faithful to me and that also gave me peace.

How can I complain? It was odd to me that I was feeling very sad tonight until I realized that my way of dealing with stress or loss is to stay strong, live through it, adjust, and then feel true emotions. I may cry, feel the loss of the year, think about India, but I also feel joy. Many people have shown me such love and there have been many, many blessings...but I do need to grieve the losses so that I can move on. Plans for good, full of hope. That will be my foundation and the power that will allow me to grieve and then get up and go.

Discouraged

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember Your kindness...

Through each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing His songs,

praying to God Who gives me life...

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Ps 42:1-3, 5, 8, 11 NLT

Why am I discouraged? It doesn't feel like I am thinking about the potential information of Wednesday's tests. Maybe the question for me should be "Am I discouraged?" At times I'm bored. Sometimes I'm frustrated because the neuropathy in my hands holds me back from writing, cutting, and using the computer. It is even difficult to clip my nails or open the Tylenol bottle. I get irritated with myself for not being brave enough to go out and walk, or try driving again. (I think that I am too wobbly to walk without holding something. My focus had been too scattered to drive.)

My oncologist said that I need to realize that my energy will return gradually, not all at once. Take small steps - 5 minutes of walking - instead of thinking that I should be able to go back to pre-cancer energy. I believe the word is PATIENCE! (I hate that word, but it is such a huge part of life.) Start with 5 minutes and then gradually increase the exercise. Ok. That is doable.

Discouraged? Yes. Should I be? No! I can see. I can sing. I can hear. I can talk. I can smile. I can feel. I can read...and...I am loved. Reread Ps 42. It reminds me of the Lord's kindness, His unfailing love, His songs, and life. There is hope - hope in Him - hope from Him. Am I discouraged? No. Not once I write and read His Word.

Unexpected Turn

Do you ever feel like you know where the road is going and then all of a sudden it takes a turn? Life would be quite boring if we could see every detail in the road...a straight road. Our faith would be unnecessary because we would know everything that was heading our way.

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. The roughest part of chemo is over and the radiation part of my treatment has been planned. But, another set of tests has been ordered because I have some symptoms that could indicate a brain tumor. It is unlikely but as a precaution I will have several tests to make sure that no cancer cells have survived or traveled.

There is no map for this, just waiting. These past nine months I have learned to focus on what I know and take it one step at a time. I am not a very disciplined person except when it comes to my mind. Thankfully, for the next two weeks, my thoughts will stay on knowing Who is in control, remembering what is true or known, and continuing to build my physical strength.

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to His purposes for them.

Can anything separate us from Christ's love?

Does it mean that He no longer loves us

if we have trouble or calamity,

or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger,

or threatened with death?

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ

Who loved us.

Romans 8:28, 35 - 38 NLT

I will not look at the curve in the road but rather at the One Who loves me beyond my understanding...and the One Who knows my future.

Easter Joy

He is risen!

The first text that I received on Easter morning was from my daughter-in-law stating that "He is risen!" What joy! Instead of trying to figure out what I could possibly wear to church that would match my limited hat selection, my focus went back to the meaning of the day: He is risen! Bald. Spring. Celebration. Those were the words that had been bothering me because I had no outfit that would be colorful to cover my bald head. All I needed was the gentle reminder of the purpose for the day. The wonder of the day began to take hold of my emotions.

It had been eight months since I had been able to attend church. Between low blood counts and fatigue from chemo, it was not a possibility. Corporate worship has been and is a very important part of my life - my faith. And, this day, this Easter, it became a reality: I would get to attend a worship service! What beautiful timing to be able to go to the Good Friday service and then Easter. Like the fresh start of spring, Easter gives me the feeling of a new start...and life was giving me a new start because the harsh parts of chemo were complete.

See God's movement? He orchestrated the ending of the chemo which tears down my immune system with Easter which is new life, a new beginning. I was able to attend worship services again. After the beautiful service, I turned on my phone and received another text from my niece who lives in California, which was in response to my text, "He is risen!"

He has risen INDEED! (Doesn't it just give you goose bumps?)

I read that and decided I needed to listen to my brother's sermon to see what prompted her goose bumps. (Visit www.newlifesanjose.org) She definitely was full of joy. That was my response to worshipping and hearing the "Hallelujah Chorus".

Then I went home to crash! The fatigue set in and I spent the afternoon sleeping. I woke up discouraged due to lack of energy. Everyone around me was seeing the increase in my activity while I was pouting over the limits my body has. Then another niece sent me this text:

Take a moment to realize that you are here

because of our Lord's unbiased love for us...

He is risen!

I have gone from very little activity to being able to spend four hours out and about. Why the whining? He is risen! He loves me! He is walking this road with me and my strength will continue to return in His perfect timing. Are you whining? Are you wanting something to happen right now? Take a deep breath and look with wonder at all that He is doing. Respond to His movement in your life. Feel the overflowing joy that comes from life all around. He is risen indeed!

Sustainability

One Sunday in February, I called my brother, Kevin, to ask what he had preached that morning. He told me that it was from Acts about "Sustainability". Then he went through a few of the main points: SUSTAINABILITY ~ Reality, Connected, Oriented. (He also reminded me that his sermons were on the internet at http://www.newlifesanjose.org/.) It was the perfect time for me to be reminded that all I am going through with chemo is doable.

Yesterday I completed Round Two of chemo!!! The rest of my treatment involves two years of chemo which will have minimal or no side effects and six weeks of radiation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! The thoughts from Kev's sermon helped me tremendously, as I approached the last month of side effects from Taxel - fatigue being the most frustrating.

Reality is that life has trials. It can be hard and being a Christian does not stop us from struggles. Cancer changes one's life. Chemo has side effects. God is with us through it all. When living life knowing this, we can "roll with the hits" easier because we live knowing and accepting that this is all part of life. We all have negative events in our lives.

Being Connected to others is essential in life. For me, being connected to family, friends, and church has been vital in dealing with each phase of treatment. Kevin used the visual of birds flying in formation when going a long distance. The leader rotates from the tip of the V to the back and a new leader goes to the point. It has been exciting to see that that has been the process in adjusting to my side effects: my sister stayed with me for 3 1/2 months with two friends assisting, meals were brought in from many other friends, another friend stayed with me for about five months with another friend relieving her on some weekends, several friends drove me to chemo and stayed throughout the process, another friend is now driving and staying each week. Cards, calls, and emails have come from many, many people at church, and again, a different person moves to the point.

Being "Oriented" is an exciting part of sustaining or holding on during a crisis or change in life. Kev explained it as "knowing where we are in the picture". He used a fantastic example from his church and I can see how it applies to this situation: where have I been, where am I, and where am I going. There have been so many blessings in my life since July and one huge one has been to see how it has impacted others and how much love surrounds me. Two nieces and one nephew have left marks on my heart during this time. This has been a great connection with my eldest nephew because we are able to text prayer needs and he has told me many times that his family of four prays for me every night. (They even blessed me with a gift of handmade flowers by his three year old and wife.) One niece injured her knee in soccer this fall - senior year - and was unable to play out the season. She has been a great encouragement to me and then on my last "hard" chemo she was released from therapy to join track. "Today ended up being a wonderful day for everyone!" Another niece texted me an encouragement, "We are able to see God working because of all He is doing for you." and "Yay!! All the praying worked." Many other nieces, my sister, my brother, and friends have been blessings too: texts, prayers, visits, calls. And then my sister-in-law texted, "We are celebrating with you!" I loved that!

Many, many blessings in this journey and it is because of

living in reality,

being connected,

and being oriented - where this fits in the picture.

My Loving Quilt

What a beautiful gift of love I received from students and parents at Emerald Park! A parent of two of my previous students organized the project and put it together. Students that had been in my classes wrote and colored on squares. It was so much fun to read their messages and see their drawings. The quilt is backed with pink and white breast cancer fleece. I feel loved!

Just like God's love, the quilt is also functional. During chemo the nurses give you a warm blanket to cover you as the drugs can make you cold. Now I will be using my quilt in chemo. It reminds me of my loving students and is symbolic of their hugs.

God's love has gone with me to chemo each week, through all of the side effects, and the days of fatigue. He is as real as the quilt and covers me with love, hope, and peace. I can complain, rejoice, and tell Him my innermost secrets. Just like the quilt, His presence makes me feel loved.

Thank-you Emerald Park family!

My Daughter's Dream

Events in our lives have many purposes. Another purpose for my plans to go to India became clear last night while discussing Christy's plans for her future. She will graduate from Western WA University on March 20 with a degree in Anthropology and a minor in teaching English to English language learners. Her hope is to go and teach overseas, possibly in South Korea.

The steps that prepared me for India are now needed to help my daughter get ready to teach overseas: passport, visa, passport photos, vaccinations, electrical plugs, items to make her feel at home, language CDs, shipping info, etc. The beauty in this is the reminder that nothing in our lives is ever wasted. God uses our experiences for ourselves as well as others. If I hadn't been planning to go to India, I would not know anything about the above steps to help her prepare to leave the country.

What an awesome God we serve!

Look at how much He loves my beautiful daughter.

He values all the details of our lives.

Sometimes we get to see the purpose

and sometimes we have to wait.

I am thankful that I can see one valuable use today.

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

Growing up in a home where my Dad and brother were active in Little League, and later my son, I heard this phrase a lot: keep your eye on the ball. It would seem obvious that in baseball every player would know this. But, it had to be taught and practiced.

Life has the same rule if we choose to live with a positive attitude while going through times of difficulty. In my situation, chemo has a way of zapping me of energy and focus. My first round of chemo was so harsh that I had to stay focused on living a day at a time but I should have kept the goal (or ball) in mind too. Now with this second round of chemo, I am able to look at the ball: be cancer free for the rest of my life. With that in mind, even if there is a pain or discomfort and still two years of treatment left, I am able to get up and say, "Thank-you for this treatment!" If I stick to it, I will remain cancer free. That makes me move forward while remaining positive.

Anyone who listens to My teaching

and follows it is wise,

like the person who builds his house upon solid rock.

Though the rain comes in torrents

and the flood waters rise

and the winds beat against that house,

it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock.

Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

Keep eternity in mind...keep your eye on the goal...keep your eye on the ball.

It must be taught and practiced...

We must listen and follow.

False Assumptions

Tomorrow begins week two of what I am now calling Round Two of chemo, different drugs with different side effects. I am also back to reading Job, a book in the Bible about a man who knew God but experienced troubling times. He had great faith because he never doubted the existence or sovereignty of God. But, the conclusions he made of the changes in his life were based on false assumptions. It made me realize that some of my experiences during this cancer adventure have been based on false assumptions too.

The plans to go live in India for two years were hit with the prognosis of cancer which included two and a half years of treatment. I was shocked into a state of "take action" and then the overwhelming schedule of treatments. The way for me to stay positive was to live one day at a time and not look at the next type of treatment. Round One of chemo was very difficult for my body and the "one day at a time" philosophy was the only way for me to survive.

Then came my false assumption: my life is now and will ever be totally consumed by cancer. For two and a half years I will have chemo and radiation. Then I will always live with the tests that will be checking to see that the cancer has not returned. So, again, the "one day at a time" philosophy was good and was also beginning to be bad. I couldn't see beyond the treatments and tests.

My second false assumption was that each round of chemo or treatment would be extremely difficult. My hope had to come from God and His mercy and strength. He has always given me purpose and joy. Now I had to get my mind focused that way.

Thankfully Job has been being a great example for me. The past two days have physically been my best days in the past five months, and all of a sudden I see myself looking to next year. I can envision myself teaching, visiting relatives, writing, and even teaching adults at church again. Wow! I didn't even realize that I had been robbing myself of choices and a future.

During each crisis we may face - abandonment, divorce, death of a loved one, infertility, loss of a job - we probably live with some false assumptions. I bet the phone calls that I have not returned have even caused some to have false assumptions like I do not care or that I am depressed. (It's truly because of lack of energy and regrouping.) Also, what other people say to us can even cause us to make false assumptions about ourselves. Like Job, I need to remember Who God is, what He says about me, His promises, and where I can find the truth. If my thinking leads me to a dead end or a hopeless future, I need to rethink the conclusion. Where is my false thinking or untrue assumption? Where is your thinking faulty? There is hope for each of us.