Discouraged

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember Your kindness...

Through each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing His songs,

praying to God Who gives me life...

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Ps 42:1-3, 5, 8, 11 NLT

Why am I discouraged? It doesn't feel like I am thinking about the potential information of Wednesday's tests. Maybe the question for me should be "Am I discouraged?" At times I'm bored. Sometimes I'm frustrated because the neuropathy in my hands holds me back from writing, cutting, and using the computer. It is even difficult to clip my nails or open the Tylenol bottle. I get irritated with myself for not being brave enough to go out and walk, or try driving again. (I think that I am too wobbly to walk without holding something. My focus had been too scattered to drive.)

My oncologist said that I need to realize that my energy will return gradually, not all at once. Take small steps - 5 minutes of walking - instead of thinking that I should be able to go back to pre-cancer energy. I believe the word is PATIENCE! (I hate that word, but it is such a huge part of life.) Start with 5 minutes and then gradually increase the exercise. Ok. That is doable.

Discouraged? Yes. Should I be? No! I can see. I can sing. I can hear. I can talk. I can smile. I can feel. I can read...and...I am loved. Reread Ps 42. It reminds me of the Lord's kindness, His unfailing love, His songs, and life. There is hope - hope in Him - hope from Him. Am I discouraged? No. Not once I write and read His Word.

Unexpected Turn

Do you ever feel like you know where the road is going and then all of a sudden it takes a turn? Life would be quite boring if we could see every detail in the road...a straight road. Our faith would be unnecessary because we would know everything that was heading our way.

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. The roughest part of chemo is over and the radiation part of my treatment has been planned. But, another set of tests has been ordered because I have some symptoms that could indicate a brain tumor. It is unlikely but as a precaution I will have several tests to make sure that no cancer cells have survived or traveled.

There is no map for this, just waiting. These past nine months I have learned to focus on what I know and take it one step at a time. I am not a very disciplined person except when it comes to my mind. Thankfully, for the next two weeks, my thoughts will stay on knowing Who is in control, remembering what is true or known, and continuing to build my physical strength.

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to His purposes for them.

Can anything separate us from Christ's love?

Does it mean that He no longer loves us

if we have trouble or calamity,

or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger,

or threatened with death?

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ

Who loved us.

Romans 8:28, 35 - 38 NLT

I will not look at the curve in the road but rather at the One Who loves me beyond my understanding...and the One Who knows my future.

Easter Joy

He is risen!

The first text that I received on Easter morning was from my daughter-in-law stating that "He is risen!" What joy! Instead of trying to figure out what I could possibly wear to church that would match my limited hat selection, my focus went back to the meaning of the day: He is risen! Bald. Spring. Celebration. Those were the words that had been bothering me because I had no outfit that would be colorful to cover my bald head. All I needed was the gentle reminder of the purpose for the day. The wonder of the day began to take hold of my emotions.

It had been eight months since I had been able to attend church. Between low blood counts and fatigue from chemo, it was not a possibility. Corporate worship has been and is a very important part of my life - my faith. And, this day, this Easter, it became a reality: I would get to attend a worship service! What beautiful timing to be able to go to the Good Friday service and then Easter. Like the fresh start of spring, Easter gives me the feeling of a new start...and life was giving me a new start because the harsh parts of chemo were complete.

See God's movement? He orchestrated the ending of the chemo which tears down my immune system with Easter which is new life, a new beginning. I was able to attend worship services again. After the beautiful service, I turned on my phone and received another text from my niece who lives in California, which was in response to my text, "He is risen!"

He has risen INDEED! (Doesn't it just give you goose bumps?)

I read that and decided I needed to listen to my brother's sermon to see what prompted her goose bumps. (Visit www.newlifesanjose.org) She definitely was full of joy. That was my response to worshipping and hearing the "Hallelujah Chorus".

Then I went home to crash! The fatigue set in and I spent the afternoon sleeping. I woke up discouraged due to lack of energy. Everyone around me was seeing the increase in my activity while I was pouting over the limits my body has. Then another niece sent me this text:

Take a moment to realize that you are here

because of our Lord's unbiased love for us...

He is risen!

I have gone from very little activity to being able to spend four hours out and about. Why the whining? He is risen! He loves me! He is walking this road with me and my strength will continue to return in His perfect timing. Are you whining? Are you wanting something to happen right now? Take a deep breath and look with wonder at all that He is doing. Respond to His movement in your life. Feel the overflowing joy that comes from life all around. He is risen indeed!