One Step at a Time

Two and a half years of chemo and six weeks of radiation are ahead of me. So far, I have been able to look at what lies just ahead instead of two steps down the road. That has helped me emotionally as well as physically but it takes discipline. Chemo is the next step. Yet my mind is jumping to radiation. Why? Fear of the unknown. I have not spoken to anyone who had radiation and so I've been reading about it...It sounds painful.

For chemo, the part that would bother me the most is nausea. Whenever I have been nauseated in the past, I would lie as still as possible so that I wouldn't throw up. I was frozen and would just wait until it passed. Truly, what a big baby! So, when discussing the side effects with my oncologist, he said that there are two known side effects for sure from the chemo: loss of hair and fatigue. He said that nausea is not really a problem because of good medications nowadays. I can deal with the loss of hair and hopefully the fatigue is also tolerable.

Next my mind has jumped ahead to radiation. I began to read about it: procedures and side effects. The thought of it is frightening! I had to put the book away and discipline myself to focus on healing, building my strength, drinking plenty of water, and chemo. I have had to force myself to look only at the next step, chemo.

Remember Philippians 4:6 - 7, "Don't worry...Pray...Tell God what you need...Thank Him...His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Then in verses 8 - 9, "...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable..." I can do that. There are so many good things to think about and so many good things that God has done for me. I can do this! One step at a time...The summer is somewhat of a blur due to the shock of a change of plans and the surgeries. The present is full of joy due to the Kent teachers strike about to end and the wedding of my niece this week. The future is in God's hands and so I will obey: don't worry, pray, and discipline my thoughts. I can do this with His help. I can do this as He has given me the keys! I can do this!

Shattered Dreams

While scrapbooking my new adventure, I realized that my world had turned upside down 16 days before I was to go to India. I had not realized that the whirlwind hit down that close to departure. Planning had taken 14 months and the turn around was only sixteen days. No wonder I can't remember most details of those two weeks.

Plans do not always turn into reality. What I thought was God's plan for the next two years of my life was not the destination He had in mind. Just like Jonah being swallowed by the large fish or me twirling around in the middle of the currents, we are never alone. Once inside the fish, Jonah must have been disoriented or confused: dark, strange surroundings, senses trying to sort out the new smells, sights, textures, and then the realization of confinement. All of this happened within a few short minutes. All God was telling Jonah was to listen and turn around.

The whirlwind lifted and spun me around. I became disoriented, nauseous, and confused...shocked...disappointed...in disbelief. The speed of the whirlwind was unbelievable. Sixteen days and I would be in India! The force of the wind had picked me up and planted me in a totally different direction, away from India. Yet God was telling me to hold on to Him and watch each event carefully. He reminded me of His unconditional love, His supreme wisdom, and His constant presence. He was with me so I was not alone in the storm.

Two months later, two surgeries later, the wind has calmed, the shock is over, and I am on solid ground. The direction of my life has changed and I am ready to proceed. There is darkness, medical surroundings, new sights, sounds, smells, and confinement. A lot of life is out of my control so I stand up when the wind sets me down. When I am hit by another whirlwind, I wait for it to settle, see where I am, get up and go forward...with my loving Lord holding and sometimes carrying me.

Naked

Mammogram and colonoscopy done. Second mammogram, ultrasound, and needle biopsy checked off. Lumpectomy and lymphnode removal completed. Brain MRI, CT/PET Scan, MUGA (heart) results back. EKG. Kidney removed. Primary doctor, breast surgeon, oncologist, oncologist's partner, kidney surgeon, nurses, teams in operating rooms, technicians...all know more about me than I knew. Thoroughly examined and physically naked.

While healing at home, many dear friends and family have met my every need. They have been able to monitor my liquid intake, food intake, number of hours in bed, showers, and lack of activity. Each has sacrificed greatly for me and there is very little about me that they do not know.

As I have been getting stronger, being laid open before others has begun to feel uncomfortable. Not that I tried to hide anything from my friends but we all have things we don't like about ourselves that are often invisible to others. Like the junk drawer of our homes, we have junk drawers in our lives. Stuffed in my junk drawer are traits, habits, behaviors that I do not like about myself.

The Lord knows all about my junk drawer. It is opened regularly for Him to examine. I willingly have given Him the key. The ideal relationship with God is nakedness, pure intimacy. People were created naked: Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25 NLT Because He is trustworthy and loves unconditionally, I can be 100% open with Him. But now people have been allowed to see my junk drawer and it no longer can be closed. I could start another junk drawer where they do not have the key but is that the way I should live?

While pondering this feeling of nakedness, my junk drawer accessed, lack of privacy, it dawned on me that this still is not the innermost part of me. My lack of self-discipline, ability to be comfortable in sweats, desire to stay home rather than go out, personal filing style (or piling), etc, etc, etc are visible to others. But there are still thoughts and feelings that I can choose to share or keep private. But reality is that this process has been very valuable to make me a more open person and the person that God wants me to be.

I must go to my Source of strength to feel loved and okay:

For the word of God is alive and powerful.

It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword,

cutting between soul and spirit,

between joint and marrow.

It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God.

Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes,

and He is the one to whom we are accountable.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven,

Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses,

for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

There we will receive His mercy,

and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Hebrews 4:12 - 16 NLT

My junk drawer is open. I am naked before my friends and family. And, yet, I can come boldly to God, receive mercy for laziness, and grace for my short comings. He loves me and shows me that this is how we all should live: naked. I will try to keep my junk drawer open and have less in it. Great lesson for me!

Not Alone

The closer I get to Wednesday, the more I am realizing all that it will mean. It dawned on me that I will be going through the surgery all alone. Up 'til then, I was focused on the drain all of this has been on those who have been walking this road with me. But, no one gets to go into the surgery room with me. As I started focusing on the thought of being all alone, I remembered that I will not be alone: the Lord will be with me, holding me, guiding the surgeons hands, and loving me.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Ps 34:4 - 5, 8 NLT

In less than 30 hours I go to the hospital. About 24 hours and I am to stop drinking and eating. In less than 36 hours I will have only one kidney. In less than 16 hours I will have my durable power of attorney and living will notorized. Wow! A lot to think about...but at least I won't be alone. He will be with me, loving me.

Another Bump or Blessing

Yesterday I found out that I have a cancerous tumor in one of my kidneys. It was found because of all of the testing due to breast cancer. Apparently they are not connected and the tumor in the kidney is totally contained - not spreading. Yes it is a blessing...and yet another "hit".

Surgery...different surgeon...different hospital...different cancer...different part...different side...different healing time...overnight stay...chemo postponed... ... ... ... ...

Emotionally I want to scream, "No more!" and yet I haven't even started chemo. Physically I want to yell, "What are you doing, Body?" and yet it is my body that is making all of the positive adjustments. Emotionally I want to cry, "More dependence on others!?" and yet no one is complaining. Physically I want to complain, "More limitations?" and yet this is less restrictive than the last surgery. Reality says, "This is not a major set back!" but it is a shock.

I was just beginning to accept the potential drain that chemo will have on my body. I was glad that I was finally going to have my chemo schedule. I was thankful that all of the scans were completed. I was...I was...I was...

Then faith comes in and says:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.

Fix your thoughts on what is true,

and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—

everything you heard from me and saw me doing.

Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8 - 9 NLT

True? Found early, contained in one place, recovery time should be short. Honorable? The compassion of the oncologist. Right? There are many worse things with which others have to endure. Pure? The Lord's love. Lovely? Giving, supportive, loving friends and family. Admirable? The people surrounding me.

When this bump is put into perspective, it truly does come out as a blessing. How else could I experience God's love in action, and know His loving Presence?

What a Change!

Surgery. Recovery. Awareness. Pain. Tests. Appointments.

Tests. Appointments.

My life has gone from traveling to a new country to visiting every medical building at Valley Medical Center. Modesty to exposure. Creating a classroom in India to creating a healing environment in Kent. Living alone to never being alone. Energy to fatigue. Daily devotions and study to weekly devotions.

Today has been the most difficult day I have had so far in this new journey. No special reason. Nothing new today; at least nothing that I could put my finger on throughout the afternoon. I just had a feeling of sadness all day long, with no motivation to do anything.


Now, at three o'clock in the morning, I realized that it is the ending of the first week of school in India. Then the emotions came that this cancer is not just a small event in my life but an ever changing one. I have always been slow to process events and their impact on my life but most of the time it saves me from a lot of unnecessary drama. The worst rarely ever happens...and for sure this is not the worst scenario in life. It just stopped my dream of teaching in India. (I could possibly do it in the future but right now I am not focusing that way. There was so much time, money, and energy spent on planning my new adventure that I can't see myself reliving the preparations.) So, after a month of living with the knowledge that I have breast cancer, I have accepted the fact that I will not be teaching in India this year...and maybe never.


For me, it is good to feel sad, grieve, and to acknowledge that the rain has come, and it came in torrents. It means that I am alive and actually experiencing life. I know that God will hold me up, love me, and not let me collapse...because He is my rock. I can cry and know that I don't have to be strong...He is my solid rock. I can grieve and know that it is because I didn't get what I wanted...but He loves me anyway. Now I can sleep.

Anyone who listens to My teaching
and obeys Me is wise
like a person who builds a house on solid rock.
Though the rain comes in torrents
and the floodwaters rise
and the winds beat against that house,
it won't collapse,
because it is built on rock.
Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

After Surgery

Surgery has come and gone, lab results have come back, tomorrow is my appt with my oncologist. I was going to be in India, settled in my flat, and getting ready for school to start next week. Since the shift in plans, I have had to learn many things about adjusting: take it one step at a time.

It has been interesting to watch and experience on many levels: my personal processing, friends, family, and spiritually. It is easier for me to take one small step at a time. I thought about and then accepted the biopsy results. Energy went to surgery and nothing beyond. Next came the lab reports from surgery. Adjusting to the physical changes after surgery and the lack of independence. Now comes the oncology...

O Lord, You have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

Ps 139:1 - 6 NLT

My brother had suggested visualizing Jesus standing before me asking, "What can I do for you?" Then remain silent and let my thoughts go to my deepest needs. It was very powerful for me as what I found out that I needed was a physical hug, His hand holding mine, and Him supporting me from behind. Now, as I look ahead to chemo and all that it will entail, I can recall the image and the words, "Hugging. Holding. Supporting". He is hugging me with an overwhelming love, holding my hand as my best Friend, and supporting my back with the strongest and most gentle hands known.

Uncertain about what lies ahead this week. Anxious? A little. Uncertain about my physical reaction? For sure. But, at peace because I do know that He will be walking each step with me. Even in India I would have needed that assurance.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!