Focus

I am sitting in a chalet facing the ocean. Wave after wave rolls in, some with spray, some green, some meeting in the middle of a single wave. The horizon is so perfectly straight. Clouds but some faint blue sky showing through at the horizon. My camera is beside me. My iPod is playing Sandi Patty, “We Shall Behold Him”. The smells of breakfast are coming from the kitchen. The pine tree beside the window is still.

The first morning this pine tree had about five little birds flying, landing, getting food, and departing. So, for the next two mornings I have waited for the small birds to return. As I was taking pictures of the waves, a small flock of the yellowish birds flew past the window. My focus was on the waves.

It reminded me of how often my focus is elsewhere when God is waiting for me to communicate with Him. The other night I was saddened by a comment on Facebook and decided to read some verses on Bible Gateway. The verse of the day was Colossians 3:17  NLT  "And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father."   Our actions and responses must reflect Him. Wow! The loving Lord was present: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1  NIV After praying, my focus remained on Him and on what the other person needed. PTL!

Reminders of focusing on Him, on the other person, on His Word put a smile on my face. Focusing on me often robs me of the joy. There is joy if we keep our focus on Him.  (And... another flock of birds just flew by the window.  Funny!  HE is present and has a sense of humor.)

(My CT Scan showed the small tumors in my lung but they are stable - not growing.  Thank-YOU, Lord!)

Give It Back to Him

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
        The one thing I ask of the Lord—
        the thing I seek most—
        is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
        delighting in the Lord’s perfections
        and meditating in his Temple.
        For He will conceal me there when troubles come;
        He will hide me in his sanctuary.
        He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
                Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
                Be merciful and answer me!
                My heart has heard You say, “Come and talk with Me.”
                And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”   

Psalm 27:1, 4 - 5, 7 - 8  NLT

Psalm 27 is a source of strength for me.  Today, I could feel myself becoming anxious for the results of my CT Scan.  Back to my process so that I can leave it with the Lord. He is my Light: sheds light on the Truth, the future, the darkness.  He is my Salvation: directs my focus, clarifies importance, saves me. He is my Fortress: protective buildings, safe home, all around, above, beneath.  I reviewed why I don't need to worry because all of the possibilities are covered and He knows which one is real. Look at Who He is!

There are actions for me to take:  live in His house, His Presence, awareness of Him;  delight on His characteristics, His perfection; meditate in His temple, in His creation, in His Word. And, most of all, talk to Him.  He asks us to COME and TALK with Him.  Physically come to a place where we can focus on prayer, talking, and listening.  He is available.

I do not need to stress or take back the results from Him. Focus on His Word and characteristics.  Pray.  He will meet me and give me peace.  Find your place to live, delight, meditate and then talk with our loving, perfect Lord.

My Process

I had my CT Scan a few days ago but I haven't been worrying or thinking much about the results.  This time I was able to process the outcome the way I did when Tim, my son, was in Iraq.

For a mother having a child in war is a difficult time. The Lord was faithful, helped me, and gave me peace.  One thing I did was think about what could happen.  Then, I went through each scenario and thought about what the future would be like. I gave it back to the Lord and if I was tempted to take it back and worry, I'd go through the steps again.

This week, I listed what the CT Scan could show:

        1. The tumors have shrunk in size or disappeared due to the medication.

        2. The medication has kept the tumors the same size.

        3. The tumors have grown.

        4. The cancer has spread and there are more tumors in the lungs.

        5. The cancer has spread to other parts of my body.

Next, I thought about what each possibility would mean for my life. 

        1. Praise the LORD, the side effects from the medication are worth it.

        2. Same...Praise the LORD, it is worth it.

        3. With my oncologist, we will decide if there is another option for treatment.

        4. Same discussion will be needed.

        5. This discussion will be about the quality of life.

Last, the situation goes back to the LORD because it is out of my control.  While waiting, I can read verses in my Bible, listen to music, laugh, write, go up to southern Washington/Oregon to visit family and friends, use my camera to record the beauty around me, and focus on those around me. 

The Lord is my strength and shield.

I trust Him with all my heart.

He helps me,

and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28:7  NLT

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you which path to take. 

Proverbs 3:5 - 6  NLT

This process works for me while in limbo.  Each of us are unique and must find our own way to cope while waiting for answers.  What is your coping process?

Another Test Followed by Waiting

This has been stated several times in my blog but here I go again:  CT Scan on Wednesday to see if the medication has slowed down the growth, stopped the growth, or shrunk the tumors in my left lung. Or, is it spreading? Cancer is the focus this week.

This is my command—be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid or discouraged.

For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

Joshua 1:9  NLT

Amen! HE is with me and my focus needs to stay on Him.  I KNOW this! Then the human side kicks in and I am reminded that my body is battling an enemy that has broken through the protective walls.  Some days I can forget that battle and just deal with the energy or lack of energy. For example, today I learned another coping skill for getting up and out of the shower:  keep a cane next to the shower door and use it for balance.  (Wow!  I'm a genius!!!) 

In the middle of all of exercise of disciplining my thoughts, another blessing came: a trip up north.  I love it here and am very, very thankful to be right where I am.  But a trip?  That gets my mind off from waiting for the results.  A "God thing" is what I like to call it.  Not discouraged...I'll reconnect with other family members and the beauty around me. I love how the Lord works things out and changes settings so that we can see Him more clearly.  All Kevin had to say was: it looks like you prefer riding to flying...unless you will let the airline workers come get you at the curb with a wheelchair.  Or, is that telling yourself that you can't fly?

So, scan on Wednesday, my sister and her husband come visit on Thursday or Friday, and I will try to "catch a ride" with them on Sunday. During the wait time, I'll be up north. What an awesome God!

Psalm 31 is awesome! Take time to read it as it ends with "be strong..."

Blessings

Last night a friend asked me about the blessings that the Lord is giving me. She knows that with trials, there are always blessings. I fell asleep thinking about His blessings and His touch.  Our loving Lord has blessed me throughout my life in many, many ways:  family, friendships, finances, faith.

San Jose has been my home for four months.  It is amazing to me that I feel like I have transitioned to this as home.  When I left Kent, I left my teaching (a true love of mine), close friends, my comfortable townhome (which was "me" and held memories), my sister & nieces, visitations from Bailey, colleagues, and Kent Covenant Church.  Kent had been home for the last 16 years and the Pacific NW had been my home most of my life.

I have been blessed with a loving family here:  brother, sister-in-law, niece.  The church family here has welcomed me and supports me.  The women's Bible study continues to lead me in new spiritual areas of growth.  Sunshine. Kevin's wisdom has helped me see the physical changes in me and to see reality.  My kids have visited.  Another sister-in-law blessed me with a visit.  And, Maggie, their yellow lab, is a great companion.  The transition has been smoother and more complete than I ever expected or thought was possible.

The Lord is awesome:  personal, loving, strengthening, compassionate, understanding, and a guide.  The balloon floated by to say "Get Well".  We drove to San Francisco on a beautiful, clear, and sunny day.  The birds sing everyday and are very visible.  We each worship God in our own ways and together.  I have been blessed!

Worth the Risk?

When you receive a new medication, you also get a list of the side effects. Does it make you wonder if the chance is worth it?  In the past two years I have had negative reactions to at least six medications.  The two most serious were Neurontin - rash that stayed for months, and Sutant - a stroke like reaction that ended with me in the hospital for six days. Then there are all of the medications that cause fatigue. Dislike, dislike, dislike...but one of them is keeping the cancer growth at bay.

The drug companies have to, by law, tell us the possible side effects but the worst one, Sutant, wasn't even known.  Do those warnings make you stop and think before taking them or do you ignore them? Do you live like the teenagers, "It will not happen to me" or, do you weigh the good against the potential side effects?

For me, I have even taken one step farther: the doctor says I should continue taking a certain medication based on numbers of tests. My oncologist had a different view as she is focused on the quality of my life and battling cancer. I have to investigate on my own and weigh the pros and cons. What is the appropriate choice for me?  For my family?

I think that we do this in faith too.  God tells us what the consequences of sin are but we either ignore what He says or don't read it.  Sometimes we even say that He will protect us or show us that our choice is wrong if He doesn't want us to go down that path. But, He already has told us! We have the responsibility to read His Word, study what He has said, and obey...or do we say, "This choice is worth the consequences" or "I don't believe that."

For me, the one thing that I must live by is that there is one God.  HE is to be number one in my life.  Once I got to that point in my life, choices became easier and there was peace. Because:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

Psalm 139:13 - 17  NLT

Thank-You for Your love and guidance, Lord. I will use the abilities You gave me to carefully make choices with my health. 

HE is LORD

The past week has been quite an unusual few days for me.  Saturday, Kevin, Luann, and Ashley took me to "the City" (that is San Francisco). We rented a wheelchair and drove in the beautiful sunshine. Above the Cliff House Restaurant, there is a park called Lands End Trail. The trail starts off with a paved path and then becomes a dirt trail. Off from the main trail are stairs leading to other areas of the park. The trail has a gorgeous view of the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge, sail boats, rocks, tug boats, barges, cypress trees, and even a few boats with motors. 

This was my first outing in a wheelchair. It was fine as I was not self-conscience at all. If anyone looked at me I'd smile or say "thank-you" when they scooted over so Kev to push me past them. I truly thought that it was going to be uncomfortable but I wanted to go with them into San Francisco and I am not strong enough to walk on the trails. My desire to go out weighed my disappointment in being weak...and I was not disappointed!

Everything was so breath-taking! One has to think about Who created all of this beauty when looking into bay. Awesome!

Then came two days of no energy at all.  I slept twelve hours Saturday night and Monday I slept most of the day.  It can be discouraging but I have stopped trying to figure out the causes. If I go down that road I can come to conclusions that do not match reality: the cancer is spreading, one of the drugs must be causing it, my kidney is giving out, etc., etc., etc. None of that does any good. 

Then, I read chapter three of Out of the Salt Shaker...by Rebecca Manley Pippert, "Jesus - Lord of All." Fantastic chapter on why we give Him control of our lives:

"Besides the fact that He deserves it because of Who He is,

He knows He is the only one in the universe

who can control us without destroying us...

He will make sense out of your brokenness...

The great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us,

He makes us more ourselves than ever before."  (p 54)

The whole chapter spoke to me. He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The Lord of all is not concerned about me walking or being in a wheelchair. He is looking at me, who I am, not my new limitations, not what I can do or cannot do. So, walking on my own, using a cane, using a wheelchair, does not truly change who I am.  Day with some energy or day without any energy does not truly change who I am.

Funny thing is that I had this lesson when I was bald and again when my hair grew in very thin. His control gives me gentle, little steps that build on one another. Inward appearance, not outward. Use the tools (hats, wigs, hair cream, cane, shower bench, wheelchair). These steps in my life have purpose but of most importance is that they are with the Lord of all in control.  Again, it leads to peace.