Unexpected Turn

Do you ever feel like you know where the road is going and then all of a sudden it takes a turn? Life would be quite boring if we could see every detail in the road...a straight road. Our faith would be unnecessary because we would know everything that was heading our way.

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. The roughest part of chemo is over and the radiation part of my treatment has been planned. But, another set of tests has been ordered because I have some symptoms that could indicate a brain tumor. It is unlikely but as a precaution I will have several tests to make sure that no cancer cells have survived or traveled.

There is no map for this, just waiting. These past nine months I have learned to focus on what I know and take it one step at a time. I am not a very disciplined person except when it comes to my mind. Thankfully, for the next two weeks, my thoughts will stay on knowing Who is in control, remembering what is true or known, and continuing to build my physical strength.

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to His purposes for them.

Can anything separate us from Christ's love?

Does it mean that He no longer loves us

if we have trouble or calamity,

or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger,

or threatened with death?

No, despite all these things,

overwhelming victory is ours through Christ

Who loved us.

Romans 8:28, 35 - 38 NLT

I will not look at the curve in the road but rather at the One Who loves me beyond my understanding...and the One Who knows my future.

Easter Joy

He is risen!

The first text that I received on Easter morning was from my daughter-in-law stating that "He is risen!" What joy! Instead of trying to figure out what I could possibly wear to church that would match my limited hat selection, my focus went back to the meaning of the day: He is risen! Bald. Spring. Celebration. Those were the words that had been bothering me because I had no outfit that would be colorful to cover my bald head. All I needed was the gentle reminder of the purpose for the day. The wonder of the day began to take hold of my emotions.

It had been eight months since I had been able to attend church. Between low blood counts and fatigue from chemo, it was not a possibility. Corporate worship has been and is a very important part of my life - my faith. And, this day, this Easter, it became a reality: I would get to attend a worship service! What beautiful timing to be able to go to the Good Friday service and then Easter. Like the fresh start of spring, Easter gives me the feeling of a new start...and life was giving me a new start because the harsh parts of chemo were complete.

See God's movement? He orchestrated the ending of the chemo which tears down my immune system with Easter which is new life, a new beginning. I was able to attend worship services again. After the beautiful service, I turned on my phone and received another text from my niece who lives in California, which was in response to my text, "He is risen!"

He has risen INDEED! (Doesn't it just give you goose bumps?)

I read that and decided I needed to listen to my brother's sermon to see what prompted her goose bumps. (Visit www.newlifesanjose.org) She definitely was full of joy. That was my response to worshipping and hearing the "Hallelujah Chorus".

Then I went home to crash! The fatigue set in and I spent the afternoon sleeping. I woke up discouraged due to lack of energy. Everyone around me was seeing the increase in my activity while I was pouting over the limits my body has. Then another niece sent me this text:

Take a moment to realize that you are here

because of our Lord's unbiased love for us...

He is risen!

I have gone from very little activity to being able to spend four hours out and about. Why the whining? He is risen! He loves me! He is walking this road with me and my strength will continue to return in His perfect timing. Are you whining? Are you wanting something to happen right now? Take a deep breath and look with wonder at all that He is doing. Respond to His movement in your life. Feel the overflowing joy that comes from life all around. He is risen indeed!

Sustainability

One Sunday in February, I called my brother, Kevin, to ask what he had preached that morning. He told me that it was from Acts about "Sustainability". Then he went through a few of the main points: SUSTAINABILITY ~ Reality, Connected, Oriented. (He also reminded me that his sermons were on the internet at http://www.newlifesanjose.org/.) It was the perfect time for me to be reminded that all I am going through with chemo is doable.

Yesterday I completed Round Two of chemo!!! The rest of my treatment involves two years of chemo which will have minimal or no side effects and six weeks of radiation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! The thoughts from Kev's sermon helped me tremendously, as I approached the last month of side effects from Taxel - fatigue being the most frustrating.

Reality is that life has trials. It can be hard and being a Christian does not stop us from struggles. Cancer changes one's life. Chemo has side effects. God is with us through it all. When living life knowing this, we can "roll with the hits" easier because we live knowing and accepting that this is all part of life. We all have negative events in our lives.

Being Connected to others is essential in life. For me, being connected to family, friends, and church has been vital in dealing with each phase of treatment. Kevin used the visual of birds flying in formation when going a long distance. The leader rotates from the tip of the V to the back and a new leader goes to the point. It has been exciting to see that that has been the process in adjusting to my side effects: my sister stayed with me for 3 1/2 months with two friends assisting, meals were brought in from many other friends, another friend stayed with me for about five months with another friend relieving her on some weekends, several friends drove me to chemo and stayed throughout the process, another friend is now driving and staying each week. Cards, calls, and emails have come from many, many people at church, and again, a different person moves to the point.

Being "Oriented" is an exciting part of sustaining or holding on during a crisis or change in life. Kev explained it as "knowing where we are in the picture". He used a fantastic example from his church and I can see how it applies to this situation: where have I been, where am I, and where am I going. There have been so many blessings in my life since July and one huge one has been to see how it has impacted others and how much love surrounds me. Two nieces and one nephew have left marks on my heart during this time. This has been a great connection with my eldest nephew because we are able to text prayer needs and he has told me many times that his family of four prays for me every night. (They even blessed me with a gift of handmade flowers by his three year old and wife.) One niece injured her knee in soccer this fall - senior year - and was unable to play out the season. She has been a great encouragement to me and then on my last "hard" chemo she was released from therapy to join track. "Today ended up being a wonderful day for everyone!" Another niece texted me an encouragement, "We are able to see God working because of all He is doing for you." and "Yay!! All the praying worked." Many other nieces, my sister, my brother, and friends have been blessings too: texts, prayers, visits, calls. And then my sister-in-law texted, "We are celebrating with you!" I loved that!

Many, many blessings in this journey and it is because of

living in reality,

being connected,

and being oriented - where this fits in the picture.

My Loving Quilt

What a beautiful gift of love I received from students and parents at Emerald Park! A parent of two of my previous students organized the project and put it together. Students that had been in my classes wrote and colored on squares. It was so much fun to read their messages and see their drawings. The quilt is backed with pink and white breast cancer fleece. I feel loved!

Just like God's love, the quilt is also functional. During chemo the nurses give you a warm blanket to cover you as the drugs can make you cold. Now I will be using my quilt in chemo. It reminds me of my loving students and is symbolic of their hugs.

God's love has gone with me to chemo each week, through all of the side effects, and the days of fatigue. He is as real as the quilt and covers me with love, hope, and peace. I can complain, rejoice, and tell Him my innermost secrets. Just like the quilt, His presence makes me feel loved.

Thank-you Emerald Park family!

My Daughter's Dream

Events in our lives have many purposes. Another purpose for my plans to go to India became clear last night while discussing Christy's plans for her future. She will graduate from Western WA University on March 20 with a degree in Anthropology and a minor in teaching English to English language learners. Her hope is to go and teach overseas, possibly in South Korea.

The steps that prepared me for India are now needed to help my daughter get ready to teach overseas: passport, visa, passport photos, vaccinations, electrical plugs, items to make her feel at home, language CDs, shipping info, etc. The beauty in this is the reminder that nothing in our lives is ever wasted. God uses our experiences for ourselves as well as others. If I hadn't been planning to go to India, I would not know anything about the above steps to help her prepare to leave the country.

What an awesome God we serve!

Look at how much He loves my beautiful daughter.

He values all the details of our lives.

Sometimes we get to see the purpose

and sometimes we have to wait.

I am thankful that I can see one valuable use today.

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

Growing up in a home where my Dad and brother were active in Little League, and later my son, I heard this phrase a lot: keep your eye on the ball. It would seem obvious that in baseball every player would know this. But, it had to be taught and practiced.

Life has the same rule if we choose to live with a positive attitude while going through times of difficulty. In my situation, chemo has a way of zapping me of energy and focus. My first round of chemo was so harsh that I had to stay focused on living a day at a time but I should have kept the goal (or ball) in mind too. Now with this second round of chemo, I am able to look at the ball: be cancer free for the rest of my life. With that in mind, even if there is a pain or discomfort and still two years of treatment left, I am able to get up and say, "Thank-you for this treatment!" If I stick to it, I will remain cancer free. That makes me move forward while remaining positive.

Anyone who listens to My teaching

and follows it is wise,

like the person who builds his house upon solid rock.

Though the rain comes in torrents

and the flood waters rise

and the winds beat against that house,

it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock.

Matthew 7:24 - 25 NLT

Keep eternity in mind...keep your eye on the goal...keep your eye on the ball.

It must be taught and practiced...

We must listen and follow.

False Assumptions

Tomorrow begins week two of what I am now calling Round Two of chemo, different drugs with different side effects. I am also back to reading Job, a book in the Bible about a man who knew God but experienced troubling times. He had great faith because he never doubted the existence or sovereignty of God. But, the conclusions he made of the changes in his life were based on false assumptions. It made me realize that some of my experiences during this cancer adventure have been based on false assumptions too.

The plans to go live in India for two years were hit with the prognosis of cancer which included two and a half years of treatment. I was shocked into a state of "take action" and then the overwhelming schedule of treatments. The way for me to stay positive was to live one day at a time and not look at the next type of treatment. Round One of chemo was very difficult for my body and the "one day at a time" philosophy was the only way for me to survive.

Then came my false assumption: my life is now and will ever be totally consumed by cancer. For two and a half years I will have chemo and radiation. Then I will always live with the tests that will be checking to see that the cancer has not returned. So, again, the "one day at a time" philosophy was good and was also beginning to be bad. I couldn't see beyond the treatments and tests.

My second false assumption was that each round of chemo or treatment would be extremely difficult. My hope had to come from God and His mercy and strength. He has always given me purpose and joy. Now I had to get my mind focused that way.

Thankfully Job has been being a great example for me. The past two days have physically been my best days in the past five months, and all of a sudden I see myself looking to next year. I can envision myself teaching, visiting relatives, writing, and even teaching adults at church again. Wow! I didn't even realize that I had been robbing myself of choices and a future.

During each crisis we may face - abandonment, divorce, death of a loved one, infertility, loss of a job - we probably live with some false assumptions. I bet the phone calls that I have not returned have even caused some to have false assumptions like I do not care or that I am depressed. (It's truly because of lack of energy and regrouping.) Also, what other people say to us can even cause us to make false assumptions about ourselves. Like Job, I need to remember Who God is, what He says about me, His promises, and where I can find the truth. If my thinking leads me to a dead end or a hopeless future, I need to rethink the conclusion. Where is my false thinking or untrue assumption? Where is your thinking faulty? There is hope for each of us.