The Adventure Continues

What a winter! The last time I blogged I was waiting for results about my lung. Since then, I have had the upper lobe of my right lung removed as the kidney cancer had metastasized. Then it spread to my other lung so we tried medicine to stop its growth. I had a stroke-like reaction to the meds and was in the hospital for six days. Went home and returned to the hospital a few days later with bladder, kidney, and blood infection.

Everyone was concerned because I live alone. The decision was made for me to move to San Jose, CA with my brother and sister-in-law. It is close to good medical doctors and to the sun. lol

Life is full of changes and this is huge for me. While trying to help others accept the move, I am processing what this will feel like to me. Thankfully, the one certainty is that the Lord is with me and will continue to be with me every step of this leg of my journey. There is no map or visible plan as far as my health is concerned. The Bible must be my source and trust in the Lord must be my strength. So, onward I go to San Jose, CA in one month.

Another New Phase

Today I met with my oncologist to go over the results of a PET Scan and CT Scan. In a few days I will also have a MUGA Test which is to observe the heart. The two reports showed something on one of my lungs. It could be pneumonia or the kidney cancer has spread. Both are treatable because they were discovered early.

Last week one of the oncology nurses asked me what I felt I had learned this past year. We had been discussing spiritual growth. I told her that I wasn't sure...but a few days later it dawned on me that what has been a reoccurring theme has been to trust God because He has a plan. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for my life. He has a plan for those around me too. That is where my peace comes from...He loves me more than any person is capable of loving. He knows what is best. That is peace!

Plastic or Glass

It takes a friend or sister to see where the improvements are. When you live with cancer treatments daily, sometimes it is hard to see baby steps that have been made. I know that for me, radiation has been a lot easier than chemo. The side effects of radiation will go away about two weeks after treatment has ended. Chemo effects can take months or a year or can last forever. But when new side effects happen a person can forget that this is temporary and easier than other body changes.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was telling me how great it was to see that I can use the heavier glasses when drinking. All winter and part of spring, I needed to use plastic glasses because of the neuropathy in my hands. I couldn't lift the heavier glasses so we switched to plastic glasses.

Another friend was thrilled when I was able to move the garbage can outside by myself. My son was impressed that I walked to the top of the hill in my complex. Another friend was excited to see that I could go and get the mail without loosing my balance. All of these seem silly, or like baby steps, but to me, when reminded, I'm moving toward self-sufficient living. Others, including my sister, have been excited to see that driving is now possible for me. Fantastic!!!

The questions I am pondering now are: how do these changes impact the way I live now? How do these little steps make me a better friend? How does seeing small improvements help me be a better teacher? What am I learning that will help my children with life lessons? How will the end of these side effects make me grow into a better sister or aunt? I believe that everything that happens to me goes through God's hands first and has a purpose. I might not have the answers to future wisdom that will come from my experiences but there is a reason for all of the baby steps.

Radiation and Strength

I have completed eleven days of radiation with 25 to go. With the type of cancer I have/had, this is the easy part so far. (Not everyone has it this easy with radiation. It all depends on the location of the cancer.) I do get tired after it and have the beginning of a sunburn but all of that is temporary.

After writing that, it made me realize that everything in life is temporary. Most of it depends on our attitude. Three days this week I started my day by reading Psalms 66 and 67. My attitude was so positive because my focus wasn't on me. Then I changed my wall hanging from reminding me that I can hide under His wings to Is 40:31

Those that wait upon the Lord

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary,

they shall walk and not faint.

For me that is really important to remember. Strength is what I am wanting. Isn't everyone needing strength for each day and situation? Teachers are needing strength to get through the demanding part of the school year. Those entering the work force need strength because they are not used to getting up that early. Parents of young children need strength because their sleep is scheduled by the little blessing. And, do I need to say anything about parents of teenagers??? We all need strength and our focus needs to be on the Lord. It will come in His perfect timing. We just need to trust.

Roller Coaster Emotions

I fell asleep at a "normal" time tonight. All of a sudden something fell in the house and I woke up. Then my emotions went to: "I don't want to do this anymore! I want my healthy life back." Now how did I get here??? So many steps forward and then one big one backwards.

Last week I started radiation treatment. It will be for six+ weeks. There are very few side effects, if any. The negative is that I have to go Monday through Friday. That part feels intense because I have no control over my schedule for the next six+ weeks. And, as I have stated in the past, there will always be reminders that I have had and survived cancer. That is very positive except that the dr. appts. will be at regular intervals for the rest of my life.

These feelings are probably very normal but it makes me feel as if I am whining. There are so many things that are worse than stage two, aggressive breast cancer. I have the best doctors and chemo nurses that there are. I also like my radiology oncologist and the technicians. Everyone is so supportive, kind, loving, and insightful.

After whining and praying for a few hours, I will move to being more thankful. Just before my first radiation treatment, my brother sent me a text:

"Make sure you tell your good cells

that the nuke is coming

so they can take cover behind any guys

thinking of changing teams.

Just a strategy.

Quiet warfare is my business."

His compassion, love, and understanding was fantastic along with his sense of humor. And this was just the first of four of his silly texts. Each one made me laugh which is always great medicine. The people beside me laughed and laughed too.

I need to be allowed to whine and to grieve but I cannot stay there. That's why there are promises in Scripture, songs full of hope, family, and friends. Now all is better. Good night!

Plans and Grief

Last week two things helped me move forward in my life: the MRI and CT scan showed no cancer...and I will be teaching at Emerald Park again! Fantastic news! Each day my strength is increasing and my mind is getting more clear. The Taxel is getting out of my system. I will still have radiation for six weeks but it does not have the same type of side effects. And, I am still bald but I do have fuzz. lol

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope..."

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

This verse is so full of hope even if the MRI would have shown a tumor...but it didn't. It gives such peace because I know that whatever comes my way or has come my way, it is in the Lord's loving hands. This knowledge has helped me over the past ten months along with Psalm 91:4 which assures me that I can find refuge under His wings. He has always been faithful to me and that also gave me peace.

How can I complain? It was odd to me that I was feeling very sad tonight until I realized that my way of dealing with stress or loss is to stay strong, live through it, adjust, and then feel true emotions. I may cry, feel the loss of the year, think about India, but I also feel joy. Many people have shown me such love and there have been many, many blessings...but I do need to grieve the losses so that I can move on. Plans for good, full of hope. That will be my foundation and the power that will allow me to grieve and then get up and go.

Discouraged

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember Your kindness...

Through each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing His songs,

praying to God Who gives me life...

Why am I discouraged?

Why am I so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise Him again-

my Savior and my God.

Ps 42:1-3, 5, 8, 11 NLT

Why am I discouraged? It doesn't feel like I am thinking about the potential information of Wednesday's tests. Maybe the question for me should be "Am I discouraged?" At times I'm bored. Sometimes I'm frustrated because the neuropathy in my hands holds me back from writing, cutting, and using the computer. It is even difficult to clip my nails or open the Tylenol bottle. I get irritated with myself for not being brave enough to go out and walk, or try driving again. (I think that I am too wobbly to walk without holding something. My focus had been too scattered to drive.)

My oncologist said that I need to realize that my energy will return gradually, not all at once. Take small steps - 5 minutes of walking - instead of thinking that I should be able to go back to pre-cancer energy. I believe the word is PATIENCE! (I hate that word, but it is such a huge part of life.) Start with 5 minutes and then gradually increase the exercise. Ok. That is doable.

Discouraged? Yes. Should I be? No! I can see. I can sing. I can hear. I can talk. I can smile. I can feel. I can read...and...I am loved. Reread Ps 42. It reminds me of the Lord's kindness, His unfailing love, His songs, and life. There is hope - hope in Him - hope from Him. Am I discouraged? No. Not once I write and read His Word.